The Missing Piece
When I sat down and wrote the letter back to Numen Hoop, I let my eyes wander out of the window. In between the words of assuring my family that I was alright, I couldn’t stop thinking back. It was annoying when the ink on my pen had already dried when I had spaced out for far too long and I had to dip the quill in the ink again, just to repeat the cycle. I wasn’t really getting that much writing done.
It had been the most powerful flash I’ve ever gotten. Such intensity had taken me by surprise and a tiny piece of me still hadn’t settled down after that incident. I wondered if it ever would. It was like something had moved in my mind and even though he had been dead for a long time, he was still alive within me, somewhere there. If I could have taken his hand, drawn him into a hug and told him that things would be okay, because the sacrifice he had made had saved the cities. He had withstood long enough for his comrades to get away, the enemy hadn’t gotten through.
‘Go!’, he had shouted to the white-eyed boy who had been just stood there like a statue. In my mind I could see my younger self, blueish green eyes staring back at me, similarly frozen in fear on the way of the approaching enemy, hundreds of years later. How bittersweet. I hardly could think it as a coincidence. How on earth would such thing repeat precisely the same way in another lifetime if there wouldn’t be a reason for it?
I felt sad for him. He had had his life ahead of him -that’s the feeling I got. He never got to see his sweetheart back at home, he was never to be embraced with her slender arms again. Poor, poor man. My heart ached for him and it was difficult to hold back tears, although I made sure there would be no marks on the paper. Kilyna had sharp eyes and she would spot them immediately; Eilstacia would arm a whole cavalry and come to my rescue if she would see any ink smudged by fallen droplets, and that was to be avoided at all cost.
But thanks to him, I was back here again. Without his sacrifice I surely wouldn’t have been. There most likely wouldn’t be a Kerymis Donaevel, but someone else on my behalf. Someone with the same soul, but not someone from here; perhaps someone from another continent altogether. Someone, who would be doing something else, somewhere else. But here we were.
How logical it actually felt in the end; The feeling I had gotten in the beginning, that tiny feeling which had grown big enough to take into consideration and had eventually formed into a decision to go to the unknown: to head to the mysterious Underdark. It had been troubling me for a while, to be honest. I had been pondering why it had felt so right. I hadn’t wanted to go to the Underdark, but something in me had known it would be for the best. That contradiction had been an inner conflict I hadn’t had time to give much thought.
Of course I was scared! Of course I would have, by any logic, chosen otherwise and I had questioned myself when people had been asking if I was insane, and I would have loved to agree that I was. I couldn’t explain my sudden decision with only my own urge and why it had felt so natural when it shouldn’t have. Some part of me had known it would be a good idea; To return home. His yearning to protect his cities had been so strong that it even transcended lifetimes. Now I felt at ease; This odd push to go to the Underdark, the urgency of my situation and all the stress it had caused had not been just my own, but his, too. Finally, I had an explanation to the nagging feeling I hadn’t been able to understand earlier:
We were both worried for the safety of the island and its people. Our people.
It made my questions vanish into the wind like smoke. Why Eilistraee had felt, after all, so natural. Why she had taken me in as one of her own, despite my differences in skintone and upbringing. I had been unsure of the fact of being somewhat special. I didn’t know how to handle it and all the attention I drew to myself. It was a relief, truly, when I understood I wasn’t so special and alien anymore. Her soft moonlight had glowed on my skin before, so why couldn’t I be bathed in it again? That earlier connection felt like I had finally found a puzzle piece which had been missing. Now, when set down it fit there perfectly. My doubts and my uncertainty didn’t vanish completely, but they became trivial and much lighter to carry, just like that.
She had trusted in me at least once before, and now she would trust in me again. It all just fit; I had been doubting myself and my own actions all this time. Why I, a high elf man who had gotten a military upbringing and turned into a scholar, a man who had been thinking for such a long time that higher powers would be too busy to care about the mortal life, would so suddenly pray to a dark-skinned Goddess in the time of need? I had been wondering it myself for a while. Why it had come as an instinct, a deed I had not needed to think about? It had felt so eerily natural that it had bothered me. That ease, that trust I had already put on a Goddess I thought I had no prior connection with… I had had no explanation for it, until now.
Bittersweet: that all this truly was. You fought with your sword, dark one; I’ve tried to battle without mine. The means do not matter when we fight for the same cause. Don’t worry. You are with me and I will never forget it. We will fight together this time, so perhaps we can save your people, and this island, again.
It had been the most powerful flash I’ve ever gotten. Such intensity had taken me by surprise and a tiny piece of me still hadn’t settled down after that incident. I wondered if it ever would. It was like something had moved in my mind and even though he had been dead for a long time, he was still alive within me, somewhere there. If I could have taken his hand, drawn him into a hug and told him that things would be okay, because the sacrifice he had made had saved the cities. He had withstood long enough for his comrades to get away, the enemy hadn’t gotten through.
‘Go!’, he had shouted to the white-eyed boy who had been just stood there like a statue. In my mind I could see my younger self, blueish green eyes staring back at me, similarly frozen in fear on the way of the approaching enemy, hundreds of years later. How bittersweet. I hardly could think it as a coincidence. How on earth would such thing repeat precisely the same way in another lifetime if there wouldn’t be a reason for it?
I felt sad for him. He had had his life ahead of him -that’s the feeling I got. He never got to see his sweetheart back at home, he was never to be embraced with her slender arms again. Poor, poor man. My heart ached for him and it was difficult to hold back tears, although I made sure there would be no marks on the paper. Kilyna had sharp eyes and she would spot them immediately; Eilstacia would arm a whole cavalry and come to my rescue if she would see any ink smudged by fallen droplets, and that was to be avoided at all cost.
But thanks to him, I was back here again. Without his sacrifice I surely wouldn’t have been. There most likely wouldn’t be a Kerymis Donaevel, but someone else on my behalf. Someone with the same soul, but not someone from here; perhaps someone from another continent altogether. Someone, who would be doing something else, somewhere else. But here we were.
How logical it actually felt in the end; The feeling I had gotten in the beginning, that tiny feeling which had grown big enough to take into consideration and had eventually formed into a decision to go to the unknown: to head to the mysterious Underdark. It had been troubling me for a while, to be honest. I had been pondering why it had felt so right. I hadn’t wanted to go to the Underdark, but something in me had known it would be for the best. That contradiction had been an inner conflict I hadn’t had time to give much thought.
Of course I was scared! Of course I would have, by any logic, chosen otherwise and I had questioned myself when people had been asking if I was insane, and I would have loved to agree that I was. I couldn’t explain my sudden decision with only my own urge and why it had felt so natural when it shouldn’t have. Some part of me had known it would be a good idea; To return home. His yearning to protect his cities had been so strong that it even transcended lifetimes. Now I felt at ease; This odd push to go to the Underdark, the urgency of my situation and all the stress it had caused had not been just my own, but his, too. Finally, I had an explanation to the nagging feeling I hadn’t been able to understand earlier:
We were both worried for the safety of the island and its people. Our people.
It made my questions vanish into the wind like smoke. Why Eilistraee had felt, after all, so natural. Why she had taken me in as one of her own, despite my differences in skintone and upbringing. I had been unsure of the fact of being somewhat special. I didn’t know how to handle it and all the attention I drew to myself. It was a relief, truly, when I understood I wasn’t so special and alien anymore. Her soft moonlight had glowed on my skin before, so why couldn’t I be bathed in it again? That earlier connection felt like I had finally found a puzzle piece which had been missing. Now, when set down it fit there perfectly. My doubts and my uncertainty didn’t vanish completely, but they became trivial and much lighter to carry, just like that.
She had trusted in me at least once before, and now she would trust in me again. It all just fit; I had been doubting myself and my own actions all this time. Why I, a high elf man who had gotten a military upbringing and turned into a scholar, a man who had been thinking for such a long time that higher powers would be too busy to care about the mortal life, would so suddenly pray to a dark-skinned Goddess in the time of need? I had been wondering it myself for a while. Why it had come as an instinct, a deed I had not needed to think about? It had felt so eerily natural that it had bothered me. That ease, that trust I had already put on a Goddess I thought I had no prior connection with… I had had no explanation for it, until now.
Bittersweet: that all this truly was. You fought with your sword, dark one; I’ve tried to battle without mine. The means do not matter when we fight for the same cause. Don’t worry. You are with me and I will never forget it. We will fight together this time, so perhaps we can save your people, and this island, again.
***
Kerymis Donaevel and his small entourage had began their travel deeper into the Underdark. As they got closer to the drow cities, they traveled through a certain tunnel which evoked a flash from Kerymis' previous life: he had once been a drow man, who had died in the same tunnel, protecting the twin cities. Such revelation shook him to the core, but at the same time it offered answers to some questions which had been troubling him. If anything, his resolve to help the drows and safe the Island from whatever would threaten it, only grew stronger.
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