Experiment #12 - Not a Complete Failure

A loud bang sounded out from behind Alya, and she scrambled back to her feet, hurriedly looking around for the source. Quickly she identified the offending machinery: her newest boiler model was swelling up and quickly turning a scary shade of red. She screamed, mostly in frustration, and scurried over to the assortment of valves and dials lining the base of the boiler. What was the problem? The meters were spinning much too rapidly to identify any information. In a panicked frenzy, Alya began shutting off the water flow, lessening the air pressure, anything she could think of to stop the meltdown. It wasn’t enough. In the split second before she lost consciousness, Alya thinks that she has figured out the source of this disaster. The copper walls of the boiler aren’t as sturdy as she calculated. Either due to some impurities in the smelting or an error in her own calculations, the copper is melting at a much lower temperature than anticipated. Unfortunately, Alya doesn’t have any more time to ponder this predicament as the boiler in question violently pops like a zit, sending shrapnel and searing steam all around. Alya is blown back off her feet and flies across the room until her head reaches the opposite wall, colliding with a sickening crack.   Alya awakens, and immediately regrets it. Her head feels like it’s stuck between a pair of angry steam pistons. A sudden wave of nausea hits her, and her unsteady arms manage to turn her onto her side before she lets loose a stream of bile. This does nothing to alleviate the crackling pain coating her skull. She tries to stand up, but quickly succumbs to an overwhelming dizziness and falls back down. Resigning to her position, she tries to take a look around. Everything is a little blurry, and spinney, and… oh no. After she finishes puking again, she tries once more. She spies a desk, some scattered machine parts, and some hulking metal basin some distance away. Probably her workshop. Alya feels proud of herself that even in dire circumstances she retains her sharp intellect. So proud, in fact, that she thinks she should give that “standing up” business another go. Climbing to her feet, grasping a nearby workbench for leverage, she notices something fall off her body, landing near the puddle of sick. Some sort of blanket? Curious how the accident would blow her to the other side of the room, and then place an unfamiliar blanket directly on her body. Alya is sluggishly contemplating this occurrence when she hears someone say something. The meaning of the words is lost as Alya’s head explodes in pain. Dark spots dance across her vision as she collapses to the floor. She thinks she hears a scream but doesn’t know who it belongs to. The last thing she sees before succumbing is a pair of small figures running to her side.   Consciousness returns to Alya in a much softer way than previously. She opens her eyes to an unfamiliar face looking down at her. It’s young, a bit dirty, and… worried? What would someone like this be doing in her workshop? Alya asks this, in whispered tones as to not send herself back to sleep. The face replies softly, “I was just in the alleyway, and the wall exploded. You were on the ground, and your head was bleeding. I only had a blanket so I was out getting some more rags when you woke up.” Some hands, presumably attached to the face, place a wet rag on Alya’s forehead. The cool water dampens the spidery pain into a dull pounding. With a clearer head, Alya thinks through the situation. One step at a time. There was an accident. Something with the boiler overheating, but that isn’t immediate anymore. She obviously had gotten a concussion, and was very lucky that she was even alive. But who was this new person, who had so fortunately found her injured body? The first step would be asking her name, which Alya proceeds to do. “Um… Lethri, ma’am.” Lethri says. Well, that leaves no room for doubt. Alya grimaces at the thought that her life may have been saved by an actual child. Maybe this is at least some sort of wonder child who goes around saving inventors in need? Probably not, but what other reason is there for children to hang out in random alleyways? Alya asks what Lethri was doing in the alleyway (secretly hoping for the inventor-saving-wonder-child answer). “I… live there.” Lethri states. What. “I mean I guess I did. My stuff got kinda buried. Don’t worry though, it’s not a big deal. I can just grab whatever’s left and move somewhere else. This place was just good because I found a lot of paper and writing around here.” Alya has stopped listening. Waves of guilt wash over her as the realization of what she has done to this girl sets in. Miscalculations and accidents happen, and that’s ok. It's always her own life that’s at risk. It’s fine if some warehouse gets burned down, because those can be replaced. But if this girl was living right outside she could have been hurt, or even killed! And furthermore, Alya was the cause of more suffering for this girl, who didn’t even have a home. Alya, slowly and with delicacy, asks Lethri if she has a place to stay. “...No. Sorry, I know you probably don’t want some beggar girl rooting around in your garbage. Just please, don’t call the guards. I promise I’ll get my stuff and leave quickly...” Alya quickly asks whether or not she wants to stay here. “What?” Lethri looks flabbergasted. She remarks that, because she destroyed Lethri’s house, it’s only fair that Alya provide her a new one. Furthermore, it’s high time she gets a lab assistant. Someone to double-check her calculations, or fetch materials. “Are you sure?” Of course she’s sure!   The two shake on it, and Alya immediately begins planning her next experiment.

Comments

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Mar 15, 2021 02:04

This was a really strong piece. I love the figurative language; it's really effective without distracting from the story at hand. The begging line is striking and pulls the reader in right away and you somehow manage to keep that energy for the whole story. The only thing that I think needs work is formatting-there are a lot of places where paragraph breaks should have been and would've made the story even effective-but overall this is really great work.

Mar 29, 2021 00:28

Good vignette! I agree with the previous comment about having more line breaks. This piece definitely feels like a fun pilot episode, and I feel excited about where these two characters could end up! I think a little more showing vs telling that Alya is planning her next experiment would've tied the ending perfectly. Like if she immediately started ranting about her next project, tugging Lethri while ranting about supplies. Overall, nice job!

Mar 29, 2021 03:07

The use of dense detail and language of action gives a very overwhelming sense to the reader. This overwhelming sense is perfect for Alya lives her life. A constant flow of data, calculations, and machinery are always at the forefront of her mind. The sentences each have a force pushing them towards the next step in the scene much like a conveyor belt. I think your use of power positioning helped to emphasize this feature in this piece as well, such as a "loud bang" and a "sickening crack". I do think that the final moment between Alya and Lethri could have been extended to match the rest of the rich detail in the story. In addition to this, description about both characters would have been helpful in visualizing their character model. Alya donning workshop/inventors’ clothes of some design and having those ripped up/burned would have made for a stunning transition on par with what you have set up for the scene. Also, Lethri being pale and of weak complexion could then be contrasted with an exceedingly vigorous spirit for invention (we see this in your wording about her wanting to have access to paper and writing, which are two key pieces behind creation itself).