Moving Forward

Life, Identity

Fenneck deals with Natalya leaving and starts to move on from his past. He and Alexei grow close before he leaves to go back into the mountains.

Fenneck had spent the last few days in his room, thinking over everything that had happened in his life. Natalya's decision to leave had knocked him back down to ground zero and he was trying to decide the best way to move forward. He had avoided leaving his tower thus far because he wanted to avoid the questions and nagging from his friends. He thought about what Alexei and Jasna had told him. He thought about his confusing time with Natalya and the flightiness of their feelings toward each other. He wasn't sure if he was happy or not to be free of her. He also had no idea where she went. He couldn't exactly chase her at this point and he felt no desire to. He found himself wanting to retreat into the mountains but he needed to face his friends first. He just wasn't sure how. A knock on his door one night decided for him, though. He got up and threw his robe on before walking toward the door. He passed his vanity and saw how pathetic he looked with his normally silky smooth hair matted from lying in his bed for days and his puffy, red eyes looking dim. He hadn't used magic since she had left and he had spent his days lying in the dark feeling sorry for himself. He was also skinnier than normal. He hadn't been eating much since she left and he was forcing himself not to start drinking again which was starting to become incredibly difficult. He sighed in defeat and opened the door. He looked down and saw Baegla standing there looking sad as she held his dress which Natalya had left in her room. She gave him a look of pity as she took in his disheveled state. She started to speak a few times but couldn't quite find the words. He sighed, "It's over." He said definitively. She nodded sadly, "I'm so sorry, Fenneck." She said woefully, "Can... can we please talk, dear?" He nodded and sadly waved her inside and closed the door behind her. She walked in and waved a hand to light the fire and other candles, illuminating the room in a warm, bright haze that hurt Fenneck's eyes for a bit as he adjusted. She walked over to his table and set the dress down on top of it before turning to him. "How can I help, Fenneck?" She asked him desperately, "I've tried to give you space over the years but..." She struggled to find the right words before sighing and shaking her head, "I failed you, Fenneck. I failed your parents. You've been in so much pain and I feel so helpless." Fenneck sighed in shame, "I'm not your burden to bear." He told her as he walked over to his kitchen to fix a glass of water. "But you are, dear. I see so much potential-" "Well maybe you're just wrong!" He turned to her, tired of this insistence from everyone that his life should be more perfect than what it was. "Do you know why she left? And more importantly, why I didn't stop her?" He asked Baegla who looked startled by his sudden outburst. "Our lives suck!" He laughed at the absurdity of it all, "We have both been hurt and tortured by this world for too long. All we seemed to do was cause more pain to each other. We are both full of guilt and grievances that consume us on a daily basis and the gods don't seem to care. They have consistently made fools of us. A mockery." She tried to intercept him, "Well maybe that's why you need each other dear-" "She killed Erikur, Baegla!" He exclaimed in distress, for once in his life surprising the little halfling who always seemed to know everything. She shook her head in disbelief. "No." She muttered and shook her head. Fenneck threw his hands up in defeat, "I'm done. I already met the love of my life and he's gone. I'm better off alone. I'm happier this way." He drank some water and sat down at the table. "I'm going to go back into the mountains, alone. I'll finish the maps and maybe visit the frost giants to see how they've been fairing these last few years. I like being out there, in nature. I can secure the border and start looking for a way to possibly help anyone trying to escape Lenisily." He took another sip and sighed, "I need a purpose, Baegla. Being here, sitting around and partying all day is not for me." She joined him at the table. "You know that's not all I do." She scolded him. He sighed into his glass. "I know. But it's all I have to do anymore. An outlook up here has lost its purpose. I need something else. I like being out there. I know everyone always seems to pity me but there is joy to be found in solitude." "And pain." Baegla pointed out. "Sure, but I can deal with that. I have for years now." She shook her head, "You have so many friends who love and care for you here." "Why are you so persistent in this?" He asked her, "Everything is wonderful here. There is no poverty. Everyone has plenty of food and a warm bed to sleep in at night. We are the most socially progressive and happy country in the world. There's nothing else to do here." He said, making his point. Baegla considered this for a moment, "You know we've been trying to trade more with other countries and to strengthen our relations with Thymryu. You also know that Pufuktin poses a very real threat. He's grown increasingly more cruel over the last couple years, even surpassing his father in that field. What if he attacks? We are still playing the dragonchess game of politics, Fenneck. There are still challenges we face, not to mention our own citizens who want changes in the system." "Well then let them." He said as if it were obvious. Baegla shook her head at his lack of understanding. "And what if they're wrong? What if they don't understand the system we've worked so hard to create?" She questioned him. He shrugged, "Should the people not get a say? We despise monarchs but are we not doing the same thing by denying our citizens the right to decide who makes decisions?" She smiled wryly, "Are you questioning my leadership?" She joked. Fenneck sighed, "I have faith in you Baegla. But what about the next premiere? What about the next court? Would it not be safer to implement an election system? To let the people decide who they want to lead them?" She shrugged, "And what if the election was rigged? Or what if the candidate lies?" She asked, "How do you hold a lying leader accountable?" He shook his head at her, "How can we hold you accountable?" He countered, "We trust that you're good, Baegla, and I believe you are, but it is no secret that you used magic to sway the opinions of crowds and to rally our forces when we took Flottenheim. While your intentions were good, what if the next person who can do the things you can do, isn't?" He pointed out, becoming passionate, "With an election system, then at least the people can vote a dangerous leader out." She smiled at him, "You're sure you want to run off into the mountains? You know you could be quite effective in court." She suggested. He shook his head, "You're fairly set in your mysterious ways of leading our wonderful country. I'd rather do something practical for the time being." She nodded, seeming a bit disappointed, "I understand. But I like and appreciate your perspective, Fenneck. You have the same quick wits as your parents. You know they started all this, right? The ideas about how to help balance the system. To give more resources to the poor to ensure the success of the entire country. They even suggested an election system when we first sat around your old living room shit-talking the royal family together." She smiled at the memories, "You have a knack for politics, dear. I just want you to know that I am always willing to discuss things with you and to possibly implement some of your ideas. I'm not sure the country is ready for an election system just yet but... perhaps in time. Besides, you'll be around a lot longer than I will. Many things could change in the coming years." Fenneck sighed, "I do love your leadership Baegla. I also appreciate the distraction." He smiled at her understandingly. She waved her hand at him, "It's no distraction, dear. It's just as important as your relationship woes." She assured him. "Before you do leave, please try to reach out to your friends. We miss you, dear. Spend the evenings with us. Try to let loose a little. I'll make sure no one speaks of Natalya or any other subject that might make you upset. We'll keep it strictly about politics and religion. No one ever gets upset at those." She teased and pleaded with him. He nodded, "I will. I just... needed some time." He said, glancing around his dismal room. "I know, dear. Try to think of this as a turning point. That maybe thiramin isn't the answer you've been searching for at all. Maybe, in order to be happy, you should look inside yourself." She said pointing her finger at his chest. He nodded and sighed, "I think I'm finally starting to understand that." He told her honestly. She smiled, took his hand and squeezed it, "I'm very glad to hear it." She said before hopping down from his table. "Tomorrow is a new year, Fenneck! Embrace it. Tonight there will be a big party in the ballroom to celebrate, if you feel like joining us." She said as she walked to the door. He stood and followed to let her out. "Thank you Baegla, for everything." He told her. "Of course, dear. I'll send up someone to draw a warm bath for you. You'll need one before you leave this room." She said giving him a playfully judgmental look. He rolled his eyes, "Thank you." He told her one more time before she left him. After a while, Lev came up to draw him a bath, take his bedding for cleaning and to drop off a warm meal for him. Fenneck ate it gratefully as he felt his appetite start to return. Once his bath was drawn he lowered his sore, skinny body into the water and felt a wave of relief wash over him as the water warmed his clammy skin. He laid back in the water for a while just breathing and trying to take care of himself. When he was finally clean he put on fresh clothes and was already starting to feel worlds better. He brushed out his beautiful white locks for the first time in days and pulled it up into a half-braid. He smiled at himself in the mirror for a moment before the warm tingling of Natalya's presence glowed around his heart. He closed his eyes and pushed the thought of her away and stood up. He headed down his tower and opened his door into the palace. The halls were bustling as everyone headed up to the ballroom for the festivities, but Fenneck headed past them down into the mountain. He finally made it to Alexei's tavern and smiled as he saw Alexei cleaning a glass, alone at the bar. Everyone in Flottenheim was heading up to the palace but Alexei was almost always here on the new year to cater to any humble souls who'd prefer a quiet drink to the roaring parties up above. He looked up as Fenneck entered, "You drinking tonight?" He asked, already pulling out a bottle of Fenneck's favorite whiskey. Fenneck shook his head, "No. I'm trying to save my reputation, remember?" Alexei smiled and fixed him a glass of water as Fenneck sat down at the bar. "You look... good." Alexei said, obviously surprised to see Fenneck out and about. Fenneck assumed Baegla had informed everyone of he and Natalya's breakup. "Thanks. You look handsome as always." Fenneck told him, trying to avoid bringing up Natalya. "Thanks. You hungry?" Alexei asked him. Fenneck shook his head, "I ate before I came down." Alexei laughed, "So you come down to my bar to order a glass of water and no food. If this was a bar in Thymryu they'd kick you out for loitering." Fenneck smiled, "Well, it's a good thing we live somewhere reasonable, then." "Indeed." Alexei said, leaning down on the bar. "I want to apologize for the other night." Fenneck said. Alexei waved him off, "There's no need, Fen. I needed to get some stuff off my chest anyway. I hate that we've grown so distant over the years." He said, pouring himself a glass of whiskey. "Me too. I've been a real piece of shit, haven't I?" Fenneck asked him. Alexei shrugged and took a sip, "I think we all have. We all have shit we need to deal with." He sighed, "I pulled away from you too. I was jealous at times and angry. You're not the only one to blame." They shared an understanding look. Fenneck glanced away for a moment. "He should have been with you. You two were quite sexy together." Fenneck told him. Alexei chuckled, "I miss our early years when all three of us would go at it. Now there was a sexy bunch." He took another sip of his whiskey and smiled at the memories. Fenneck smiled too, "We were something, weren't we? I miss that Fenneck. He didn't have a care in the world. He was happy and just... lived." Fenneck said sadly. Alexei nodded, "I miss him too." He smiled teasingly at Fenneck. Fenneck sighed, "If I would have met her then, I would have fallen madly in love with her. I would have worshiped the ground she walked on. She would have shone so bright that even Evelyn and Erikur would have been put to shame." Fenneck said wistfully. Alexei smiled and nodded, "She would have been a very lucky girl indeed." Alexei mused. Fenneck rubbed a spot on his glass in thought, "I ruined her life too." Fenneck said quietly. Alexei reached out and rubbed Fenneck's arm, "I doubt that. I saw you both at the festival. You seemed happy together." Fenneck sighed, "You also saw us the night before." Alexei frowned. "Can I ask what happened? You can always say no." Fenneck took a long sip of water, wishing there was some vodka hiding in the bottom of the glass. "I took her back to my room after the ceremony. I was ready to make love to her then and there but I... I felt guilty. I knew she needed to know the truth about my life. So... I told her about Evelyn and my parents." Fenneck studied the water swirling in his glass. "She... she got upset and started sobbing for hours. Finally she stopped and told me that I should let her go. That all she had done was cause me more pain and that the gods clearly didn't care about us so what was the point of forcing something that neither of us really wanted." Fenneck shrugged in despair, "She was right, Lex. She was right. And you know, I think I finally get it. I missed out on Erikur, not because of thiramin, but because I had hardened myself to true happiness. Because I was shoving everyone away. Because I... I'm a damn fool." He looked up into Alexei's warm eyes and sighed, "I want to move on. I want to move forward with my life. Clinging to the idea of thiramin is only going to hinder me." Alexei smiled and squeezed his arm. Fenneck sighed and felt a wave of relief wash over him as he realized these feelings. "I'm going to stay here for a couple months and then head back into the mountains. I liked being up there. I think I need some time to be with myself and to really figure out what I want with my life." He told Alexei who nodded in agreement, "I think that's a good idea. I'm glad you're feeling this way instead of being all mopey and sad." Alexei teased him. Fenneck giggled, feeling happier than he had in days, "Me too." Alexei stood up and checked his pocket watch, "Only a few more minutes now till the new year." He mused. "Bar's rather quiet tonight." Fenneck gestured around the empty tavern. Alexei nodded, "It's not every year you have a visiting monarch in the palace. Everyone wants to see King Zeitdrache at the party." He explained. "Why is he here?" Fenneck asked, barely masking his contempt for the king's visit. Alexei shrugged, "Not sure. Supposedly he and Baegla are working out the details of some new treaty." Fenneck thought back to his conversation with Baegla earlier that morning. "Are you worried about Pufuktin trying to take Glitterfjell back?" He asked Alexei. Alexei pursed his lips and thought for a moment. "I think he'll want to. Whether he can or not is debatable. The only real way to get soldiers here is through the Skyway and that didn't exactly go well for them last time." Fenneck nodded, "But he'll appear weak if he doesn't." Alexei nodded, "True. Hey, maybe your crazy girlfriend ran off to actually kill him this time." Fenneck rolled his eyes, "There's no way. She'd get herself killed before she made it to Leniscow." "You really have so little faith in her?" Alexei asked him. Fenneck shrugged, "She's a good soldier, but she's a bit outnumbered. Even if she did make it to Pufuktin he's way too powerful to let her win." "She killed Staladin." Alexei countered. "True, but they weren't expecting someone from their own ranks to turn on them. They've gotten smarter and more cunning over the last couple years." Fenneck said, sounding a bit pessimistic. "Well, maybe that's what this new treaty is about." Alexei suggested. Fenneck nodded, "Perhaps." He said. "One minute." Alexei said, checking his watch again, "Wanna kiss at midnight?" He suggested. Fenneck couldn't help himself from blushing, "Um..." Alexei leaned down and rolled his eyes as he set the ticking watch down on the counter so they could watch the new year arrive. He looked up into Fenneck's eyes. Fenneck leaned forward and as the clock clicked the arrival of midnight Alexei leaned in and Fenneck's lips met his. It started off slow and simple but Fenneck leaned into him and soon Alexei's hands were around his head pulling Fenneck's face into his own. They let their tongues dance in each other's mouths and Fenneck felt his heart pound with excitement. Fenneck wasn't sure how long they kissed like that over the bar but eventually he stood and made his way around. Alexei pulled him into his room and closed the door behind them. They kissed each other on the way to Alexei's bed and Alexei pulled Fenneck's shirt off as Fenneck went to remove Alexei's. Fenneck enjoyed the feeling of Alexei's skin against his fingers. They kissed again and felt each other's slender chests lustfully. Fenneck's hands reached behind Alexei and undid the braid he was wearing so that his beautiful, shiny black hair fell down around his face. Fenneck ran his hands through it and kissed Alexei's neck, pushing him against the wall. Alexei gasped in pleasure as Fenneck's lips tasted his neck. Fenneck felt Alexei's hand run through his hair and Fenneck let out a deep sigh of relief at allowing himself to let go and to lean into his emotions. He pulled Alexei toward the bed but Alexei stopped. "What's wrong?" Fenneck asked him, gasping for breath. Alexei shook his head, "I don't want to." He said sadly. Fenneck dropped his hands and felt his pale chest start to grow red. "I know that is the worst thing to tell you right now." Alexei said, in disbelief at himself for stopping them, "But I can't Fenneck. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being a second choice." Fenneck caught his breath and backed away from Alexei, feeling ashamed of himself, "I... " He felt angry with himself for letting his body get the best of him. Alexei looked frustrated, "I'm sorry, Fen. It's not fair to either of us to do this right now." Fenneck nodded and quickly picked up his shirt to cover up his red chest. "Fenneck..." Alexei said, grabbing his arm as Fenneck tried to run away toward the door. "I don't want to have sex like this." He qualified, "It doesn't mean I'm not... interested." He said looking deep into Fenneck's green eyes. Fenneck slowly leaned in and kissed Alexei again softly before pulling back. He felt confused and frustrated by this sudden turn of events. Alexei sighed, "I wish things hadn't changed. I wish things didn't become more complicated over the years." He said mournfully. Fenneck sighed and rested his forehead against Alexei's, "Me too." Alexei shook his head and pulled away. He paced around the room a bit as he considered their situation, "I want our friendship back, Fen. I don't want to muck that up by fucking each other. That's what happened with you and Erik. Let's face it, things are different now. We have to consider our feelings and our lives and I just don't know if we make sense like that. You're about to go off into the mountains and I am not going with you." Alexei said, clearly not as inclined to run off into the wilderness for months on end as Fenneck was. "Our lives don't make sense for this. You need some time to figure your stuff out." Fenneck nodded, "You're right. I'm sorry Lex. I shouldn't have just... let myself go like that." Fenneck looked down and shook his head, upset with himself for ruining things once again. Alexei shook his head, "No, You did nothing wrong, Fenneck." Alexei came up and took Fenneck's hands in his and prompted Fenneck to look up at him. "I'm so glad to see you like this again. To see you passionate and free. I just don't think it's a good idea to be that way with me. At least right now. Who knows where our lives will be in a few years, but right now I want to be friends and I want to keep the lines clear." He reached a hand up and gently rubbed Fenneck's cheek, "Please don't lose this. Please let yourself love again. Who knows? Maybe after a few years of running around in the mountains you'll decide to come home and marry a lowly bartender like myself." Alexei teased him. Fenneck giggled softly and smiled at Alexei, "You're the best bartender in all of Flottenheim, don't sell yourself so short." Fenneck teased him back. Alexei smiled, "How about you rest here tonight? A middle ground. You show me the wonderful boyfriend benefits you always gave to Erikur and I refuse to sleep with you?" Alexei teased him. Fenneck smiled, "I'd love to." He kissed Alexei once more before they curled up together in Alexei's bed. Fenneck held Alexei and lovingly doted upon him throughout the evening. He wondered if maybe he hadn't missed out on the love of a lifetime as Alexei curled up against his chest and started meditating. A small flicker of red fire in his heart told him otherwise as Natalya's presence enveloped him. He had tried so hard to push it away these last few days after she had left but it was to no avail. He buried his head into Alexei's neck and took a deep breath and tried to push the thoughts of her away. The following morning he woke up next to Alexei and sighed with happiness. Alexei smiled at him, "Morning." He greeted him before standing up and walking over to his wardrobe to change. "Good morning." Fenneck greeted him, also getting to his feet. "Thank you. For last night." He told Alexei who turned and smiled at him, "You're welcome. It will cost you though." He said threateningly. "What could I possibly owe you?" Fenneck asked him curiously. "You're gonna re-braid my hair. You know how much I hate braiding it myself." Alexei said jokingly. Fenneck chuckled, "I'd be happy to oblige."    Fenneck braided Alexei's hair and the next few days they hung out more than they had in years. Alexei even came up to the palace a few times to play a game of chess or to dine with everyone in the dining room. Fenneck was grateful to have his friend back. Fenneck also made up with Jasna who thankfully did not beat him to a pulp even though he told her she had every right to. She decided Natalya's punch to his nose was punishment enough. Fenneck would often get pulled into late discussions with Baegla about politics which he found he rather enjoyed.    When it finally came time for Fenneck to head off into the mountains, he found himself sad to leave everyone behind. The night before he planned on heading out, Alexei came to his room and they rested together. Fenneck woke up and kissed Alexei's forehead as he stood. Alexei opened his eyes and sighed as he watched Fenneck get dressed. "You don't have to go, you know." He said, trying to coax Fenneck into staying. Fenneck looked over his shoulder and smiled, "I do, Lex. It's too dangerous to leave the borders unchecked. I need to speak with Vladbarg again anyway." Alexei laid back in Fenneck's bed, "I'll miss you." He sad sadly. Fenneck finished packing a few more of his things, "I'll miss you too." He said longingly. He was surprised by his sudden onset of confusing feelings he felt with Alexei. He wasn't sure what to make of it. He knew it would be good to leave and have some time to think by himself. Alexei finally got up and walked over to Fenneck and wrapped his arms around him, "Be careful out there, okay? I know you tend to run head first into dangerously stupid scenarios and you'll be alone this time. Just be careful." Alexei told him. Fenneck turned and kissed Alexei softly, "I'll be fine, Lex. I know how to handle myself out there." Fenneck tried to assure him. Alexei sighed and caressed his chest one more time before pulling Fenneck down into a sensual kiss. But Fenneck fought the desire to linger too long. He was trying not to be ingenuine to Alexei and he wasn't sure what to make of their relationship. "I should head out." He told Alexei who nodded, "I know. Be careful, Fen."    He accompanied Fenneck down to the throne room and Baegla greeted them as they arrived along with Jasna, Wyeth and a few other court members. Baegla pulled Fenneck down into a tight hug, "Be careful, dear." She said before kissing him on the cheek. Fenneck finally said his farewells and left the palace, heading back toward the mountains. As he walked out into the open he took a deep breath of the fresh air around him and he realized he hadn't left the palace at all since they arrived months ago. The wind and sounds of nature were welcoming to him and he excitedly made his way through the forest and into the snowy cold mountains.    He finally made it to the bumblebear cave and walked inside to drop the huge bags of food and supplies he had carried. He noticed there was something off about the cave, though. He saw some of the rations they had left were missing and the garden looked rather depleted. He closed his eyes and felt the plants rejuvenate from his magic. They shook themselves happily an he opened his eyes and greeted his apple tree, "Long time no see." He commented. The tree greeted him back, "I've missed you too!" It said excitedly. "Was someone here?" He asked the tree who shook it's leaves. "Yes. Your companion has been here for a while. She left a few days ago, though." It said sadly, as if it was lonely. Fenneck sighed in frustration, "Do you know where she went?" He asked it, hoping to avoid wherever that might be. "To her home. To fix everything. She was quite sad." Fenneck nodded, "I'm sure she was. I wonder if she'll make it there this time." He mused as he started putting up his food supplies and resetting the cave to be livable again. He finally set the cave how he liked it and curled up in his bed next to his tree whose branches were now larger and starting to stretch out over the ceiling of the cave. He felt at peace finally being up here and he found himself hoping Natalya knew what she was doing.