Let Her Go

Life, Trauma/ Loss

Fenneck and Natalya experience their second Winter's Eve Festival together. He opens up about his past and she decides to leave out of fear of hurting him again.

Fenneck quietly gasped for breath as he felt Natalya's lips tease his ears. They had spent the night laying in each other's arms on the floor bundled in her comforter that they had pulled off of her bed. They had drifted in and out of their meditations together throughout the night. Natalya clung to him as they woke and Fenneck couldn't help himself from moving on top of her and kissing her neck passionately. He noticed her hips squirm and he smiled knowing that she was enjoying herself. They still hadn't kissed each other's lips which Fenneck was starting to find insanely exciting. He let his hand gently graze her perky breasts as he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Good morning, Natalya." He whispered blissfully. "Good morning, Fenneck." She breathed into his ear. Her voice was so low and sensual. Fenneck was starting to adore it. "Can we go to the festival together?" She asked him, a little nervously. Fenneck smiled at her eagerness. "Of course, my dear." He said affectionately. Fenneck kissed her cheeks before sitting up, "I should go to my room and get cleaned up." He said looking down in disgust at the now crusted blood that had bled through to his undershirt. "I'm so sorry about that." Natalya said guiltily. He smiled and waved his hands, "It was warranted. I was a complete ass last night." He got to his feet and reached down to pull Natalya off the floor, "What made you change your mind?" He asked her as she got to her feet. "Baegla caught me and we talked for a while." Fenneck nodded understandingly. "I see. She's quite something, isn't she?" He mused. Natalya nodded and smiled. He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, "I'll meet you in the the ballroom once you get dressed." She nodded, "Sounds wonderful." He smiled and squeezed her hand one more time before walking out the door, carrying his dirty tunic under his arm. He bee-lined for his room for a bath before getting ready for the festivities. As he called for a bath and went to choose his dress tunic for the day he couldn't keep himself from beaming. After Lev had come and filled his bath with magical warm water, he gratefully lowered himself into it. He laid his head back for a moment to process the heavy emotions he had felt yesterday. He needed to apologize to Alexei. And Jasna. And everyone else, for that matter. They were right. Natalya was a wonderful blessing and he should open up to her and trust this. He felt the soft warm buzz in his heart and smiled to himself and released some of his desire for her to help him get through the day. It wasn't until he was slipping his boots on that he realized Erikur and Evelyn hadn't come to bother him all morning and he smiled, hoping that maybe they were finally about to be free from his selfish head. He looked around the room and suddenly had an idea. He grabbed the blankets from his bed and laid them out on the balcony to make tonight special when he brought Natalya up here. He decided he wanted them to start spending the evenings together. Maybe the prudish inclinations he'd been having were hindering them. He thought about finally kissing her and felt his chest grow warm and flushed. When everything looked perfect, he checked himself one more time in the mirror before heading downstairs. He walked up the grand staircase and decided to wait there at the top so he could see Natalya coming. He greeted Wyeth when he saw him and after a boring conversation about his leaf Jasna had warned him about, he turned around and saw her. Time itself seemed to stop as she met his eyes. She was wearing the green and blue elvish gown Fenneck had made years ago when he was a tailor falling in love with Evelyn. The beautiful shimmery fabric draped over her skin alluringly and seemed to glisten with magic as she walked. Her hair was framed with the matching diadem. She smiled when she saw him and Fenneck felt everything else in the room fade away. Natalya walked up the step he was on and took his hand in her own and squeezed it lovingly. Fenneck looked at her bewildered, "Where did you get this?" He asked her. "Your uncle gave it to me." She explained casually, not realizing the significance of Naertho's gift, "It would have been nice to know he was your uncle before I walked into his shop, though." She teased him. Fenneck smiled at Naertho's trickery and felt tears of happiness start to brim his eyes. Fenneck reached out and carefully caressed the mesmeric fabric and a tear slid down his cheek. "What's wrong?" Natalya asked, looking confused by his infatuation with the dress instead of herself. Fenneck looked up into her green eyes which popped against the rich green of the dress and he beamed at her in his surprise, "I thought this was destroyed during the revolution." He shook his head in disbelief, "The soldiers ransacked my uncle's shop, destroying most of the fabrics and clothes. I thought it was surely destroyed." He caressed her torso, allowing his fingers to dance on the fabric, "This was the first dress I ever made." He told her. Natalya looked down in surprise. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever worn." She said wistfully. Fenneck took her hands in his own and studied the way the dress hugged her angelic body. "It looks stunning on you." He spun her a bit so he could see the back as well. "It fits you perfectly." He said in wonderment. He finally studied her elegant face and came back to reality. "I'm sorry I never told you about Naertho." He apologized. "I didn't want to overwhelm you the last time you were here." He explained, knowing how invasive his uncle could be. Natalya smiled playfully, "It's quite alright, but you should probably apologize to him for it." She teased. Fenneck sighed and nodded. "You're probably right. Shall we?" He offered her his arm and motioned toward the ballroom. Natalya took his arm and they entered the ballroom together. Fenneck found himself happy to spend time in Natalya's presence once again. As they enjoyed the festivities, he noticed Natalya made an effort to reach out to him more. To touch him before he touched her. He loved her sudden affections. Being with another person after so long was becoming intoxicating and Fenneck found himself prepared to let things progress naturally tonight, no matter the normal progression of thiramin. Maybe their situation allowed for some leeway. By the time they headed down into the theatre they felt inseparable. Before they entered the theatre, Fenneck pulled her in his arms. "After the ceremony, I'd like you to come spend the evening with me in my room, if that is okay?" He told her, letting his hand caress her waist sensually, making his intentions clear. Natalya's skin turned as red as her hair and she nodded, "Of course." Fenneck gave her a bashful smile and they entered the theatre. Fenneck kept Natalya close as he led her over toward his comrades. Baegla and a few of the other court members were talking to King Zeitdrache. He had a large golden-brown beard and flowing hair upon which a small diadem sat. Fenneck had avoided meeting the king thus far and decided to focus on Natalya tonight. He saw her looking over at him curiously. Fenneck leaned down to Natalya's ear, "That's King Zeitdrache, he's been visiting from Thymryu this past week." He tried to hide his disapproval of allowing the king of another nation to witness such an important, integral part of the society they had built here but it was quite difficult for him. At that moment, Naertho walked out of the crowd of people wearing extravagant robes and smiled at his nephew mischievously. Fenneck walked up to him and Naertho embraced him tightly before pulling away and looking down at Fenneck, feigning disdain, "How dare you not tell your lovely lady here all about your favorite uncle?" Fenneck looked down in shame to avoid his uncle's teasing eyes. Naertho released Fenneck and turned to Natalya, "How is my nephew treating you this evening?" She grinned, "He's been a perfect gentleman." She said reassuringly, before taking Fenneck's arm and smiling up at him lovingly. Fenneck turned to Naertho, "She looks wonderful this evening, doesn't she?" He asked pointedly. Naertho turned to him, "Indeed. Makes you think you should have become a tailor instead of an adventuring archer, huh?" Fenneck playfully rolled his eyes and Naertho patted him lovingly on the back. "Why don't you both join Ayred and I for the ceremony?" He asked them, "I know you typically don't sit with peasants anymore Fen, but perhaps you'll make an exception for your dear old uncle." Naertho teased him. Fenneck sighed in exasperation, "The point of the revolution was that there are no more 'peasants' uncle." He playfully scolded before smiling, "Of course we'll join you." They walked over to Ayred and as Naertho sat down next to him they shared a passionate kiss. When they finished, Naertho introduced his husband to Natalya. Soon the music changed and they sat down and watched as Jasna led a group of bards in the magical ballads of the Winter's Eve Festival. Fenneck smiled and let the music and magic overcome him. He always enjoyed this ritual and he found himself enjoying it even more with Natalya at his side. As the last chord rang out and lights settled over the crowded theatre, Fenneck turned to Natalya. He smiled at her before taking her hand and leading her up to his room. With every step he found himself growing more and more excited to consummate his feelings with her. Fenneck led her out onto the balcony and pulled her to the ground to curl up together in the blankets he had laid out for them. They laid down next to each other and looked up at the beautiful blue and green haze that surrounded them. Fenneck wanted to kiss her but he knew he owed her the truth about his off-putting behavior. Alexei was right. He needed to deal with his shit. He reached down and gently held Natalya's hand and broke the silence, "When I was younger," He said softly so as not to disturb the stillness too suddenly, "I was studying to be a tailor with my uncle. Occasionally, he would have the opportunity to create gowns for the royal family who lived here in Flottenheim." His fingers interlocked with Natalya's as he continued. "Lord Malenthot had two daughters - Jasna, whom you've met, and her younger sister... Evelyn." He smiled as he said her name. "One day they came into our shop and we fit them for some dresses for some event. I was measuring Evelyn while my uncle assisted Jasna. Evelyn had beautiful blond hair and the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen." He looked wistfully out over Flottenheim as he thought about her. "She was feisty and we started flirting with one another. Eventually we started seeing each other, in secret of course, her being a noble's daughter and I being a simple tailor's apprentice. I had no right to love someone like her. We kept it up in secret for years." His voice grew dark as he approached the hard part of the story. "One evening, she came to find me. She was upset." His tried to keep his voice steady as he continued. "She had found out she was pregnant, which, for an elf at her age, was an extremely rare thing. Something we didn't think possible as the young, stupid children we were." He swallowed and forced himself to continue. "Evelyn told me that we were done, that she didn't want to see me again and that she... she was going to take care of the baby." He closed his eyes solemnly. "I tried to talk to her, to try and convince her to run away with me into the mountains and into Thymryu. She told me no and that she never wanted to see me again. She left that night." Fenneck fought the grief and tears building up in his eyes as he kept going. "A few days later, Jasna came to my house. She told me that Evelyn had gone into the Vallee to some supposed healer who told her he had a potion that could... remove the child." He paused and took a deep breath. "She and the child ended up dying that night in the palace." Natalya squeezed his hand and Fenneck saw tears start to burn her eyes. He continued his story, "Jasna told me to watch my back, that I should leave Lenisily in case her family found out I was the father. I packed my things and went to my parents' house to say goodbye." He paused and closed his eyes. He had to get this out. He continued to push through the pain, his voice cracking despite his effort to remain composed, "As I got to their house, I noticed the door had been kicked in. I ran inside and... and..." His voice trailed off as more tears slipped down his face. "Inside, my... my parents had been slaughtered by KAV agents. They had left the bounty for their death on the table with Staladin's signature across the bottom of it." He instinctively scooted closer to Natalya. "I was scared." He said so quietly that it was almost a whisper. "I grabbed what I could and escaped into the mountains. I stayed there for two years on my own before I came back and found Baegla, Jasna, and the other revolutionists." He stopped and pulled Natalya close to him, finally looking her in the eyes. Natalya caressed him and gently wiped the tears from his face. "In the mountains, I... I swore that I would never love again unless it was thiramin." He told her, "I didn't want to risk hurting anyone else the way I had hurt Evelyn." He caressed her face. He couldn't bring himself to speak about Erikur, though. He hoped this was enough, at least for tonight. "I'm so sorry I have been so cruel to you." He apologized to her, begging her to forgive him. Natalya placed her forehead against his and they laid there under the lights for a while before Natalya finally spoke. "Thank you for telling me." He squeezed her hand and looked her deep in the eyes, "I want to love you, Natalya. I want to want you the way I should. I've built this up so much over the years that I fear I would have been disappointed no matter who my thiramin was. I want this to work." Natalya had tears welling up in her eyes. Fenneck cuddled close to her and slowly lowered his hand to caress her torso. Natalya suddenly burst into tears. Fenneck stopped and pulled her into his chest to try and comfort her but she pulled away from him. Fenneck was startled and watched as she struggled to catch her breath. "What's wrong?" He asked, reaching out to her. She flinched away from his touch and Fenneck watched helplessly as she was attacked by panic and fear. Fenneck carefully reached out and touched her shoulder and summoned magic to help clear her mind and help her breath. She started crying harder at his touch and Fenneck scooted close to her and wrapped his arms around her. He held her for what felt like hours as she cried, unsure of how to help. Finally, she stopped crying and Fenneck continued to hold her and caress her. After another long while she spoke. "You deserve better than me." She said quietly, "I've done so many bad things..." She said painfully. Fenneck squeezed her tighter, knowing the pain and suffering she was referring to. "Your past does not define you." He tried to assure her. She shook her head, "It does, though." She pulled back from his embrace to look him in the eyes. "Everything I have ever done has hurt somebody." He took her hands and squeezed them, "Natalya..." He said, desperately searching for the right thing to say, but he was unable to combat her anxiety. She shook her head, "Even you know it's true." She said looking into his eyes. He felt tears start to brim his eyes. "I keep ruining everything," She said, disappointed in herself. "You clearly planned on tonight going a different way than it has." She said, gesturing to the bed of blankets he had laid out for them. "I can't risk hurting you more than I already have." She paused for a long moment. A moment that seemed to last forever. A moment where Fenneck found himself unable to speak. Unable to stop her from uttering her next, dreadful words, "Let me go." She told him, finally looking up into his eyes. "Let me leave you. Let me die in the mountains like I should have months ago. I don't want to keep causing you pain." She said decisively. Fenneck shook his head in disbelief. "You really think leaving will accomplish that?" He asked her as tears started to burn his eyes, "You think leaving will make this better?" "You deserve better than me." She said decisively before standing up and nodding, "Fuck the gods. They clearly don't care about us, Fenneck. If they did, don't you think Evelyn and your parents wouldn't have died? Don't you think I would have had a life free from the abuse and torture I grew up with?" His eyes glossed over with pain as she said these blasphemous thoughts. He had hoped for years for these things to not be the case but he couldn't help but agree with her. She continued, "They don't give two shits about us or our happiness, Fenneck. You should have stopped trusting them long ago." She said shaking her head, "Clearly this was just another way they devised to torture us." She said. Fenneck felt everything start to dim as his magic seemed to leave him. He had no answers or hope to offer her. She was right. He thought about Erikur and how cruel it was that she had taken him. How cruel that the gods had let such a thing happen. That she had grown up an orphan. That he had become one. That Evelyn had died. That Lenisily existed. That Pufuktin was in such a position of power. That they had lost so many lives during the revolution. That he hadn't been able to save Pyotr and Alina the day they died. That he had let Pufuktin steal their child. That he had been alone all these years. That Erikur had loved him instead of Alexei. That there was so much pain and sadness in these castle walls that projected a happy, perfect society to the rest of the world while hiding their failures and painful memories from reality. Why should she stay if it was only another way for the gods to hurt them? "So leave." He said quietly, avoiding her eyes, "You're right." He conceded, "There's no reason to force this." Natalya hesitated for a moment, "I'll leave your dress in my room." She told him, but he barely heard her. He was gone. He felt everything grow dimmer and dimmer as he heard the balcony door close and his thiramin left him once again. He didn't cry. He didn't respond at all. It felt like the day Erikur had died and everything around him just stopped.