Boros Buffoons Botch a Brawl

The Ravnica World News - That's a FACT!

You would think that transporting a tiny goblin prisoner would be easy. Even the Boros who aren't known for their brainpower should be able to manage it. Unfortunately the Boros were so confident in their ability to keep a tiny humanoid in a box that they, according to eyewitnesses, spent their time cracking jokes, singing songs and generally not paying any attention to their surroundings at all.
That is why they walked right into an ambush.
Not only were buildings destroyed, people were injured (and nearly killed) and there was massive property damage - including a fire! But most shameful is the simple fact that the goblin prisoner escaped. The Boros were left there standing stupidly, drool dripping from their mouths as they stared into the empty box, while explosions and fire raged all around them.
We found a few eye witnesses who were able to give us more details on this disastrous foul up.
One man who was taking his daughter to enjoy one of Tuturu's Supreme Squeeze specials (as outrageously overpriced as they are) barely escaped from the melee with their lives. "I saw the Boros coming down the street. This huge minotaur in armor leading them. At first I thought it was a weird parade or something."
Oddly festive for a prisoner transfer, but that tells you how lax the security really was. "Suddenly, there was fire shooting out of buildings and shouting. We saw goblins running around, and I told Fonn we should go."
But it was already too late, because the inept Boros were not paying attention to the real danger. "There was this sound, I can't even really describe it. It was loud, and I felt it in my bones. Then this building just explodes, and the Boros are shouting, and the flames... we just ran."
Now, we acknowledge the bravery of the Boros, they attempted to hold their ground. But another witness revealed the following. "They just didn't have a clue what to do. They was completely flatfooted. I saw one of them Boros, she had a huge chunk of the building fall on her, and the minotaur guy, he's just bellowing and ragin'. But it didn't do no good, because them goblins were just swarming them with these sizzle spray things."
When I asked him to describe the weird fire weapons, the witness said, "I don't know what they are. Izzet tech, good stuff too. You could tell because they didn't blow up."
I wondered how the goblin prisoner escaped, and the witness added, "Oh I didn't see that bit. He was out of the box when I looked over there, you know after the dust settled and stuff. He had this thing and was jabbing Boros in the crouch with it and shocking them. Pretty damn funny if you ask me." I didn't ask him, but the image of overconfident, boorish, bullying Boros bouncing around with electrified genitals is fairly humorous.
What isn't funny is the fact that the Izzet were involved in this escape. Providing flame throwing weapons to goblin street gang members seems dangerous at best. And then dropping a building using a bizarre sonic weapon to smash the Boros sounds like some kind of retaliation. Maybe the Boros have been hampering Izzet experiments, or maybe the Izzet were bewitched by Golgari fungal secretions, and now act as willing slaves as we reported on previously. What would the Golgari want with humiliated Boros is anyone's guess.
But make no mistake the Boros are humiliated. They failed in a task that would have been easy for a child to complete. Instead of protecting the good people of Ravnica, they treated a serious prisoner transfer as a stroll through a Selesnyan garden. Now goblin street gangs are snickering at the ease in which they overpowered the supposedly superior foe. They will become more brazen and we will see a rise in crime. Worse still, maybe the Izzet aren't done making their point. We must all tread the streets more carefully, unless another building is blown apart on helpless citizens.
It is obvious we can't trust the Boros to protect us from anything, especially themselves.

- Precinct Four Reporting Team