Legend of Mount Dimlock

Starring:

Deyethe Gudo and Jeuby Deuby

-Jeuby Deuby, a Jeubite paladin, is travelling to Ul'Dah with the intent of weeding out cultists when he runs into a strange man with no pants. The man attempts to rob him, however Jeuby Deuby attacks him, and they get into a fight.
-While they are fighting, a member of the Ul'Dah police arrives on the scene, breaks up the fight, and tells them that he will arrest them both unless they pay him a bribe. Sadly, they are both completely out of cash. Jeuby Deuby, not accustomed to being treated this way, attacks the cop.
-The cop calls for reinforcements, causing the man and Jeuby Deuby to flee in fear. They make it to a bar out in the wilderness before deciding that they have lost the cops.
-At the bar, the man introduces himself as Deyethe Gudo, a thug and former "exhibitionist" (male stripper) from Ul'Dah. Jeuby Deuby, a devout paladin, is initially disgusted by this, but eventually he decides that Deyethe isn't so bad, and since he's not a cultist Jeuby is not obliged to murder him immediately.
-They agree to travel together, and decide to go south into the desert to escape from the Ul'Dah police. They leave the bar, and Deyethe steals two Chocobos for them to ride into the desert.
-One of the chocobos seems to speak common (calling itself Choocooboo), and attempts to communicate with Jeuby and Deyethe, but they refuse to believe that a nonsentient bird could talk, so they do not acknowledge it.
-While on their way to the desert, they run into an easterner standing next to a patch of beans. He introduces himself as Jospaire, and asks them if they want to buy any beans. They decline and quickly ride away, finding the man vaguely creepy.
-They eventually reach the desert, and enter. They soon get lost, and end up stuck in the desert for 40 days. They are barely able to survive off of cactus water and the occasional drop of rain.
-As they are on the verge of starvation, they see a building off in the distance. Naturally, they run there as fast as possible. They find it to be some sort of abandoned temple, stocked with a small amount of food and water. They eat everything they can, and go to sleep.
-While he is sleeping, Jeuby dreams of his gods, the Jeubs. They tell him that he must travel back to Ul'Dah and find a man named Weyemond. The Jeubs explain that Jeuby must go on a quest to defeat the Devourer of Souls who resides in Mount Dimlock, and that Weyemond will help to guide him. Jeuby readily accepts, as he would do anything that his gods asked of him.
-The next morning, Jeuby tells Deyethe of his dream, and while he is not as enthusiastic about it as Jeuby, Deyethe agrees to go with Jeuby on his quest as he thinks there may be money involved.
-With renewed energy, Jeuby and Deyethe travel north, figuring that they will eventually reach Ul'Dah if they do so. On their way, they run into yet another structure, this one seemingly an encampment of some sort.
-They enter the encampment to find it populated solely by men with red robes. Deyethe figures they should ask the men for food, but before he can do so, Jeuby rushes the nearest man and decapitates him.
-Deyethe watches, shocked, as Jeuby then proceeds to brutally murder every man in the camp. When he is done, Jeuby explains that the men were cultists, and that he had sworn an oath to kill any cultists he found immediately. Deyethe is annoyed, but figures that it isn't very important. They continue north.
-They eventually come within sight of Ul'Dah. As they are travelling up the road to the city, they see a man dressed in red. Jeuby immediately attacks, assuming the man to be a cultist. Before Deyethe can stop him, Jeuby decapitates the man.
-Deyethe walks up to Jeuby and sees the face of the man he murdered. Deyethe immediately recognizes that it is no cultist, but rather one of the minor gods which inhabit Aldenard- Santa Claus, god of orphans.
-Deyethe, who never really liked orphans much, gets an idea. He tells Jeuby that there is an orphanage in town which indoctrinates children into being cultists, and Jeuby believes him. He then says that they should cut up the man into little pieces, cook him up, and serve him to the orphans. Jeuby, never against being cruel to cultists, heartily agrees.
-As they are cutting up Santa, Deyethe gets another idea. He tells Jeuby that they should also take Santa's head and put it on a stick to parade around the town, and that they should also put explosives in it and throw it in the orphanage once the children had finished eating Santa's corpse. Jeuby accepts, always happy to murder more cultists.
-They enact Deyethe's plan, parading Santa's head through the city before sneaking the meat into the Orphan's dinner. Once the orphans have eaten Santa completely, they throw the head in the orphanage and watch as the whole building goes up in flames. There are no survivors.
-This done, Jeuby and Deyethe high five, and set off to find Weyemond.
-They soon find him, and he tells them that they must seek out a man named Hildibrand, who lives in a small town to the southeast. He explains that Hildibrand has knowledge of their quest, and will aid them in completing it.
-Deyethe and Jeuby go to Hildibrand's house, and tell him of Jeuby's quest. Hildebrand tells them that he will take them to someone who can tell them what needs to be done, and they agree.
-On their way to meet the mysterious man, they run into a large, strange looking red man with a chicken who introduces himself as Greg. The man asks to travel with them, and they decide that having him come along can't hurt.
-As Greg, Choocooboo, Jeuby, Deyethe, and Hildibrand are travelling to meet Rhalgr, Greg begins to eye Jeuby's sword curiously. When Jeuby asks him what he wants, Greg says that it is a nice sword, and asks if he can have it.
-Jeuby refuses to give Greg his sword, and Greg throws a tantrum. When Jeuby doesn't give in to his crying, Greg pulls out his halberd and attacks. However, he is no match for Jeuby Deuby and Deyethe Gudo, and he is quickly beat into a bloody pulp.
-Before Jeuby can decapitate Greg for punishment, Greg gets up and runs away- crying the whole time. Jeuby and Deyethe decide that he is not worth the effort of chasing, and let him run off.
-They continue their journey north, until they see a barricade blocking the road to the north, guarded by three men. When he sees them, Deyethe stops walking, appearing shocked.
-When Jeuby asks him what's up, Deyethe tells him that the guys guarding the bridge are members of his old gang. Jeuby asks if they're friendly, and Deyethe says that they most likely aren't
-Despite this, there is no way around the barricade, so instead of trying to run away Jeuby charges the barricade, cutting down two thugs before they know what hit them and forcing the other to surrender
-Deyethe walks up to the surviving thug, but doesn't recognize him. The man introduces himself as Peyabolo, Deyethe's replacement on the Perilous Posse of Pantless Punderers.
-Deyethe, realising that the one of his old friends- Peyetre- isn't there, asks Peyabolo where he is. Peyabolo shrugs, and says that he disappeared a few nights ago.
-Having gotten all the information he wants, Deyethe challenges Peyabolo to a thug duel. Peyabolo, realising that the alternative is being stabbed by Jeuby, accepts.
-Using his brass knuckles, Deyethe punches Peyabolo in the face repeatedly before he has a chance to get ready, knocking out five of his teeth and causing him to fall to the ground.
-Peyabolo admits defeat, and Jeuby takes this to mean that the duel is over. Thus, he raises his sword and in one fell swoop decapitates Peyabolo. Hildibrand, not used to such violence, yells "wuh tuh fuh" but Jeuby simply states that Peyabolo did not deserve to live, silencing Hildibrand.
-Deyethe is slightly irritated that Jeub killed Peyabolo before he could, but decides to accept it, as he can't really do anything about it now. Choocooboo shrugs, having grown used to the senseless violence by this point and taking it as a matter of course.
-They continue north for a short time until they see what appears to be a bonfire in the distance. As they try to approach the bonfire, a strange easterner runs up to them and tells them that they shouldn't go any closer.
-The easterner's demanding tone enrages Jeuby, so he takes out his sword and in one motion decapitates the easterner while yelling "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO". Once again, Hildibrand is shocked but unable to do anything.
-They approach the bonfire and find a man in the center, tied to a stake and being burned alive. Deyethe recognizes him as Peyetre immediately, and asks him how he ended up here.
-Despite being burned alive, Peyetre manages to choke out that he was kidnapped by the easterner a few days ago and tied to the stake as a human sacrifice. He then begs Deyethe to release him, and Hildibrand starts to go to his aid.
-Before Hildibrand makes it, however, Deyethe stops him and throws him back. Hildibrand protests, saying that they need to save Peyetre, but Deyethe- remembering how he never really liked Peyetre- instead chooses to watch him burn alive in glee.
-Once Peyetre appears dead, Jeuby stabs him a few times in the stomach to make sure he's dead, and they leave the scene. Hildibrand is enraged, but knows that Rhalgr wants to see Deyethe and Jeuby and doesn't dare harm them for fear of his god's anger.
-They continue on for a few days, eventually reaching the northernmost border of thug territory. There, they find a small town which Hildibrand calls Nu'Dah- although he says it in a very strange way.
-They go inside, and are greeted by a long-haired man who introduces himself as Grand Vizier Leyewenhart. Before he can say anything else, however, Jeuby decapitates him.
-As Hildibrand faints away in shock, Deyethe asks Jeuby why he murdered the Grand Vizier. Jeuby explains that all Viziers are by nature evil, and that it was best to kill them before they had a chance to do anything evil. Deyethe accepts this, and wonders how he didn't know such an obvious fact before.
-Jeuby and Deyethe guide the catatonic Hildibrand out of Nu'Dah. Choocooboo follows, wondering how he managed to get caught up with such massive idiots.
-Continuing on their journey, the group comes across an arena in the middle of the desert, which Deyethe recognizes as the Coliseum, a place where all the greatest thugs go to fight each other to the death.
-Outside the Coliseum, they see four men without pants standing around. Deyethe recognizes them as his friends from his days as a male stripper, and introduces them as Heyetch, Heyewe, Heyutchin and Hayemo (who no one really likes).
-The Strippers tell Deyethe that they, like him, have been trying to escape the lifestyle of a male stripper, and that they have gotten jobs at the Coliseum doing various tasks.
-Deyethe, who genuinely feels friendship with the strippers, is happy for them. Heyetch Heyewe, Heyutchin, and Hayemo leave to go about their daily tasks, so Deyethe and Jeuby decide to explore the Coliseum a bit while Hildibrand gets supplies for their journey.
-While exploring, they see a strange squid thing which Deyethe recognizes as Octomus Prime, the illegitimate son of Cthulhu. Jeuby decides that they should kill Octomus as Cthulhu is one of the gods he hates the most.
-In an attempt to goad Octomus into a fight, Deyethe tells him that his father doesn't love him. However, this backfires slightly and instead of attacking the pair Octomus says that he will kill everyone Deyethe loves and wanders off.
-Deyethe, not particularly concerned because he doesn't love anyone, walks off with Jeuby to explore the Coliseum some more and also to devise ways in which they can kill Octomus Prime.
-Jeuby and Deyethe explore the coliseum some more, and decide the best way for them to kill Octomus Prime would be to enter the gladiator tournament and kill him in the ring.
-They sign up as a team, and they have their first battle against an unnamed female gladiator. Jeuby stabs her in the stomach as they are doing the introductions, and then cuts her head off as her innards spill across the arena.
-The announcer is shocked, but the audience seems entertained by Jeuby's total lack of sportsmanship, so he decides not to disqualify them. They continue to the next round, where they will fight Octomus Prime
-Octomus Prime enters the ring, carrying something in his tentacles. Deyethe asks what the objects are, Octomus reveals that they are the corpses of Deyethe's male stripper friends, whom he has lynched with his tentacles.
-Deyethe, realizing that he kind of liked the male strippers, goes into a blood rage, and attacks Octomus. Jeuby shrugs and attacks as well.
-Suddenly, massive tentacles appear out of the ground, and a thunderous voice is heard, saying: "Screw you Octomus"
-Octomus yells: "Stop stealing my kills, dad!” Cthulhu laughs at him and calls him a little wuss.
-The mere sight of Cthulhu's tentacles rising out of the ground drive the audience completely insane, and they begin murdering each other. Jeuby and Deyethe seem unaffected- to Cthulhu's annoyance. He decides that they must already be insane.
-Meanwhile, Jeuby and Deyethe are dodging the tentacles and beating up Octomus. Deyethe punches him in the eye, and his blow is so forceful that it goes straight into Octomus's skull and explodes his brain. Octomus slumps over, dead.
-Cthulhu shrugs his tentacles, amazed at how pathetic his son was, and leaves. Deyethe looks at the corpses of his friends, and has a moment of sadness. Then he shrugs and starts looting their corpses.
-They leave the arena, satisfied that their work is done.
-The party finally arrives at Rhalgr's home. However, they find it surrounded by hundreds of Cube Cultists.
-Jeuby, unable to control his rage at the sight of cultists, charges in and begins decapitating them left and right. The rest of the party join in to help him. There are too many cultists, and they soon find themselves surrounded.
-Suddenly, an old, buff man with no shirt on falls from the sky. He pulls out a hammer and uses it to kill every single cube cultist instantly.
-The old man introduces himself as Rhalgr, the god they've been looking for all this time.
-Rhalgr asks why he was summoned, to which Deyethe responds by explaining their vision of the cube. Rhalgr looks slightly concerned, and Deyethe asks what the cube is
-Rhalgr explains that long ago, two incredibly powerful gods fought above Aldenard, and that one of them was wounded. A drop of blood fell from the wounded god, which solidified as it reached the ground. The solidified blood would come to be known as Mount Dimlock.
-Mount Dimlock was a place of great magical power. However, this magic leaked into the surrounding area, and would often coalesce into minor gods, such as Santa and Ifrit. The oldest and by far the most powerful of these gods was The Devourer of Worlds- also known as the Cube. The Cube was a being of incredible evil, and rampaged across the world for many years.
-Eventually Rhalgr came to Aldenard from a distant planet, having travelled there with his brother Balthazar (who left him to go to Cantha). Rhalgr was able to form an alliance of seven powerful Goobbue and Mana Pole mages. These mages used their combined power to seal the Cube away.
-Deyethe asks how the Cube can be killed. Rhalgr goes on to explain that after the battle each of the mages created a Gem of Power. The Seven Gems of Power could be used together to kill the Cube once and for all.
-However, before the Gems could be used against the Cube, all seven of the mages were assassinated by Cube Cultists in a coordinated strike, and the Gems were lost.
-Rhalgr then tells Jeuby and Deyethe that they must collect the Seven Gems of Power and use them to defeat the Cube once and for all before it escapes its prison, as it seems on the verge of doing so.
-Jeuby and Deyethe agree that this seems like a really lame thing to do, and decide to go figure out their own way. Rhalgr tries to stop them, but Hildibrand tells him that he should just let them go as they are better off without them.
-Choocooboo chooses to stay with Hildibrand and Rhalgr, as they seem much less deranged than Jeuby and Deyethe.
-Out in the wilderness, Deyethe suggests that they go hunt down Greg and kill him once and for all. Jeuby agrees, and states that he thinks Greg is in the mountains. Deyethe asks how he knows this, and Jeuby says that he just has a feeling. Deyethe shrugs and goes along with it.
-They head towards the mountains.
-As they approach the mountains, they realize that there are almost no usable passes to be found for miles around. Using a map, they are able to find only one that can be reached in a reasonable time. It goes through a place called the Lost City of Alsopor, which is marked with a large skull. Jeuby and Deyethe decide to go there.
-They find the entrance, which is a large tunnel. At the entrance there is an easterner who introduces herself as Maxinne. She tells them that they should leave, as Alsopor is overrun with cultists and worse things.
-They refuse to listen to her, and she becomes more insistent, saying that they will die if they go in the city. Jeuby and Deyethe take this as a threat, and Deyethe begins threatening her in return. Before he can finish his threat however, Jeuby decapitates her. Deyethe then desecrates her corpse by cutting out her tongue.
-They enter the tunnel, which leads them in to a large keep. On the other side of the keep they find some cultists, who they murder. As they die, the cultists warn them that the Demon Lords will consume them. Jeuby and Deyethe are not concerned.
-They continue through Alsopor Keep, killing dozens of cultists on their way. Finally, they reach a set of large doors, guarded by a single cultist. As they kill him, he laughs and says that they'll never make it past the Demon Wall.
-They open the doors. On the other side is a massive pit spanned by a small bridge. On the other side of the wall is a literal wall with a demon head sticking out of it. Deyethe laughs at how stupid that is.
-The Demon Wall is angered by Deyethe's laughter, and uses a magic spell to knock both Deyethe and Jeuby off the ledge and into the pit.
-Jeuby manages to grab the side of the ledge, and Deyethe manages to grab his ankle.
-Jeuby thinks for a moment, and figures out a way to solve their predicament. He swings his legs back and forth until Deyethe is swinging quite quickly. Then, when his legs are in an upswing, he tells Deyethe to let go.
-Deyethe lets go, and Jeuby's swing launches him across the chasm and over the bridge. He lands directly on top of the Demon Wall and uses his signature move- the Fiery Fists of Flaming Fury- to shatter the Demon Wall with a single punch.
-Deyethe yells "did you see that? I used the Flying Fire Fists of Flaming Fury!” Jeuby is impressed.
-They continue forward through the keep, killing more cultists. Eventually they reach the outer hall, with a large gate marking their escape route.
-Before they can escape, another Demon Lord drops down from above. This one looks fairly ant-like, which prompts Jeuby to call it AntDemon. Deyethe mocks it and says they should just step on it. The AntDemon is not amused.
-They kill the AntDemon, but it only laughs at them as it dies. It says that they will fall before Diabolos, but they have no idea what that means, so they just continue forward.
-They leave the keep, and enter the city proper. It is a ruined wasteland, filled with minor demons and twisted creatures. Jeuby and Deyethe simultaneously say "eww" out of disgust for the place.
-They fight their way through the minor demons, eventually reaching a large courtyard. There they see some sort of Goobbue. However, it is no ordinary Goobbue. It appears to be twisted by demon magic, and it has a massive mouth on its stomach. Deyethe and Jeuby are temporarily paralyzed with fear, as Goobbues are the only thing they are afraid of.
-As they stare at the Goobbue, it rushes Deyethe and swallows him whole. Deyethe screams in fear and pain and yells for help from within the mouth. This causes Jeuby to snap out of his paralysis, and he stabs the mouth- luckily not hitting Deyethe.
-His stab causes the mouth to open, and Deyethe escapes. Together they fight the Twisted Goobbue and manage to defeat it.
-They continue through the city until they find a large building. Overwhelmed by curiosity, they enter. Inside they find an unnatural darkness. In the middle of the room they see another demon. It introduces itself as Diabolos before attacking them.
-As they fight Diabolos, it says "I am fear itself". Jeuby and Deyethe, having already fought the Twisted Goobbue, feel no fear. Diabolos is shocked by this, having been used to mortals being too afraid to fight him.
-Jeuby and Deyethe kill Diabolos. Before they finish him off however, he tells them that he will return, and that the cycle is almost complete. Jeuby and Deyethe have no idea what that means, so they just shrug and continue on.
-For the rest of their journey through the city, the demons do not bother them.
-They leave the city to find themselves in the mountains. Jeuby, still having a sort of sense about Greg's location, decides that they should go north, and they do.
-They travel north, and eventually notice a small campfire. They sneak up to it, and see Greg with his chicken. They charge down the hill, taking Greg by surprise.
-After recovering from his initial shock, Greg fights back. Despite this, he is still not strong enough to defeat Jeuby and Deyethe. On the verge of defeat, he goes into a meditative stance. A bright light flashes, and when it is over, Jeuby and Deyethe see that Greg now has six arms and six massive swords.
-Greg attacks, and almost immediately he hits Deyethe with the back of his sword, knocking him down. Jeuby and Greg duel, with Jeuby's single sword parrying all six of Greg's at once.
-Despite having six swords, Greg is defeated. Jeuby prepares to kill him, but before he can, Greg yells "Father, wait!” Jeuby is shocked, and says that he has no children. Greg pauses before saying "remember Sarah?”
-Jeuby is utterly shocked by this, and is only able to stammer out "but I killed her!” Greg then reveals that before her death, Sarah had given birth to him, and that he had grown up an orphan. When he learned about Jeuby he vowed revenge for his mother's death. He then threatens Jeuby, saying that he would kill him.
-Jeuby says "not if I kill you first" and once more prepares to decapitate his son. However, his shock slows him down and Greg runs away, his final words being "watch your back, Deuby!”
-Jeuby takes Greg's chicken out of spite and goes to help out Deyethe, who has come back to consciousness but is still wounded.
-Jeuby and Deyethe travel through the mountains a few hours, searching for a campfire to use for warmth. They find one, but it is already being used by a few mountain elves.
-They walk up to the elves and tell them to get lost, but the elves refuse to do so. Deyethe begins counting down from 3. The elves continue to resist. When Deyethe reaches 0, Jeuby decapitates one elf and Deyethe beats the other one's face in.
-They warm up around the campfire, and Deyethe asks Jeuby about Greg, as he had heard him call Jeuby his father.
-Jeuby tells Deyethe that many years ago, when he was young, he had dated a vampire named Sarah. They dated a few months before he went through a change of heart and became wholly dedicated to the Jeubs.
-Rather than break up with her, Jeuby asked her on one final dinner date. There, he decapitated her and stuck her head on a pike. He did this because the act of killing an evil creature (such as a vampire) and desecrating the body was a rite of passage in Jeubite society. By killing Sarah in this way, he became recognized as an adult among his people.
-Jeuby then explains that Sarah had gotten somewhat fat before he killed her, and that he had assumed that she was just gaining weight. In hindsight, Jeuby says, she must have been pregnant with Greg. He also explains that Greg would have inherited Vampirism from his mother, which explains his ability to shapeshift to a limited degree.
-Deyethe is interested by Jeuby's story, and they agree that together they will hunt down Greg and kill him. Jeuby states that he "will kill him like he did his mom".
-A moment later, a small elf child comes out of a nearby tent and sees the corpses of his parents. He runs up to Deyethe and asks him what happened, and Deyethe tells him to beat it.
-The child realises that Deyethe and Jeuby must have killed his parents, and he attempts to attack Deyethe. His feeble punches have no effect on the thug other than to make him angry.
-Deyethe turns to the newly made orphan and rips his arm off. He then hits the child with it before throwing it into the campfire. He then proceeds to beat the child nearly to death.
-As the child begs for mercy, Deyethe picks him up and throws him into the fire. Before the child can die, however, he pulls him out and continues beating his charred flesh. The child eventually dies.
-As Deyethe is calming down, another, slightly older elf child comes out of the tent with a dagger. Before Deyethe can react, the child stabs him in the back.
-Jeuby decapitates the child, but it is too late for Deyethe. The thug quickly bleeds out and dies.
-Deyethe's soul travels to Purgatory, but before it can arrive at its destination, it is plucked out by a powerful force and sent to the Void. There he sees a massive, formless cloud drifting in the infinite blackness. Then, his mind is suddenly assaulted by images- himself, standing over the beheaded corpse of Santa Claus. An orphan, begging at his foot before he murders her. Hundreds of people across all the years of his life, all murdered by his hand. For a moment he starts to feel a burgeoning guilt as he realizes the horror of what he has done.
-But then he feels another emotion, not his own. This one comes from the cloud. It feels almost like…approval. Fleeing from his guilt he takes comfort in the cloud’s approval. A moment later his emotion is forgotten, subsumed by amusement that he could ever feel guilty for doing those things. After all, the cloud approves- surely it couldn’t be wrong.
-Deyethe tries to ask what the cloud is, but he has no voice. Before he can do anything else, he feels himself drifting back to Aldenard. Just as he feels himself begin to come back into his body, he hears a voice. It is not a human voice, nor even the voice of a god. It is something beyond that, something he can’t full comprehend…and yet, he understands it. Echoing from the void it says: “Do my will, as you have done.” And then the cloud is gone, and he is back in his own body.
-Deyethe wakes up. He feels different, and looks down at himself to find that he has been transformed. Where before he was a weird looking human, now he is a much taller horned creature. He has a moment of anger at being changed like this, but gets over it because he's not dead.
-Jeuby is shocked, having seen Deyethe's body transform. He asks Deyethe what happened, and Deyethe attempts to explain, but finds his words insufficient. Finally he simply says: “I was visited by…a being. Almost like…the personification of the Thug Life. The violence, murder, all of it. It brought me back.” Jeuby doesn't really know what to make of it, and eventually they decide to let the matter drop and continue what they were doing before.
-Deyethe asks Jeuby what they should do now. Jeuby says that the Jeubs have called him on a sacred mission to defeat the Cube, and that they should do it. He makes sure to clarify that they won't do it Rhalgr's way, because that would be boring. Deyethe agrees to go along with it.
-They agree that they don't have the strength to destroy the Cube at the moment, and that they should spend some time in the mountains gaining strength. They ponder ways to do this, and agree that the best way is to tame one of the many large and powerful beasts native to the region.
-They go out and hunt for a beast or two to tame.
-Jeuby and Deyethe spend a few days looking for a beast, but they are unable to find one. They decide they need to rest, so they find a house and break down the door.
-They go inside the house, where they find a few people kneeling before a strange statue. Jeuby assumes they are cultists, and immediately cuts them all down in a rage.
-As Jeuby is calming down after murdering the elf cultists, he hears a voice speaking in a strange accent. It says "eh, laddy, nice work there".
-Jeuby and Deyethe turn to see a white horse-like creature with a horn hiding in the corner. They ask what it is, and the creature says that it is a unicorn and that its name is Scott McScott. He thanks Jeuby for killing the cultists, who had imprisoned him and were planning to sacrifice him to their god. He then offers him a reward for his help.
-Jeuby asks what the reward is, and Scott says that he is a master of an ancient school of magic- Hate Magic. Jeuby is intrigued, as he hates many things. Scott explains that Hate Magic is powered by a hate bond which is formed when two people hate each other completely. By forming a hate bond with someone, you can suck out their life energy and transfer it to someone else, killing your enemy and healing your friend.
-Jeuby is intrigued by this, and Scott goes on to explain that there is a special technique for forming a hate bond called "Shin Kicking". Scott explains that if a Hate Mage doesn't have a pre-made hate bond with someone, they can simply kick them in the shins in a certain way and it will instantly form a permanent hate bond.
-Jeuby says that he wants to learn Hate Magic, and Scott agrees to take him to the land of the unicorns and teach him. Deyethe doesn't really care, and says that he will stay behind at the house until Jeuby has mastered the art.
-Jeuby and Scott leave to the land of the unicorns. Deyethe stays behind and spends a year meditating on the thug life by killing anyone who passes by the house.
-After a year of training, Jeuby returns to the house and greets Deyethe. He explains that he has mastered Hate Magic, and that he killed Scott accidentally. Deyethe doesn't care.
-Deyethe suggests they go back to hunting beasts, since they still aren't powerful enough- even with the Hate Magic. Jeuby agrees, and they go on the hunt.
-Deyethe tells Jeuby that some of his victims had mentioned an old abandoned fortress overrun with beasts. He suggests that they search for a suitable beast to tame there, and Jeuby agrees.
-They travel to the Beast Fortress, and there they fight many powerful beasts including Mylodons and Oliphaunts. However, these beasts prove too unruly to tame, and they are forced to kill them. They continue deeper into the fortress.
-Deep within the fortress, they come across some elves. The elves tell them they shouldn't be there. This annoys Deyethe, and he beats them to death. Jeuby wonders why there are elves in a fortress overrun by beasts.
-They continue into the fortress and find some more elves, who they kill before they can say anything. Eventually, they come to a large chamber where they see a tall elf, apparently waiting for them.
-They elf laughs annoyingly (something along the lines of "hon hon hon") and introduces himself as Gaston. He tells Jeuby and Deyethe that he is hunting down a Griffon named Opinicus, and explains that the Griffon stole his girlfriend while they were on a date. He asks the duo to stop killing his men and leave. Jeuby and Deyethe don't really care, and they attack him.
-Jeuby attempts to kick Gaston in the shin, but he has shin armor on, so Jeuby attacks with his sword. Meanwhile, Deyethe punches Gaston repeatedly. Gaston goes down on one knee and surrenders, but by this point Jeuby has gotten his sword out and he immediately stabs Gaston in the heart. As he dies, Gaston says "hon honneechhh".
-They continue on into the fortress, and Deyethe decides that Opinicus will make a good beast despite being a sapient creature. Jeuby agrees.
-They run into a few more elves, who they kill. Eventually they come to another chamber where they see Opinicus waiting for them. Opinicus tries to reason with them, saying that Gaston's girlfriend is really in love with him. Jeuby and Deyethe don't really care, and they attack him.
-As they fight, Opinicus uses his wings to create a great wind, causing Jeuby and Deyethe to fly for a very short period of time. As he does this he yells "let go your earthly tether, become wind".
-They fight a long and difficult battle, but eventually Opinicus is beaten. Opinicus asks why they attacked him, and Deyethe says "well, I killed your girlfriend". Opinicus denies this. However, Deyethe has already figured out where the girlfriend is hiding, and he walks up to her position.
-He pulls her out from behind a rock, and asks what her name is. She says "Bell". Then, Deyethe goes to a nearby hole in the wall and says "Let go your earthly tether, Bell" before throwing her out of the castle.
-Opinicus yells "nooo" but it is too late. The death of his true love causes him to go catatonic, and he becomes a puppet to Deyethe's will. Jeuby is impressed with Deyethe's beast taming ability, and they leave the fortress to find a beast for Jeuby, as all the good beasts in the fortress are dead.
-They wander around for a while until Jeuby gets the idea to tame a dragon. Deyethe agrees that this is a good idea, and says that he heard of some people called the Midnight Guard who hunt dragons near a place called "The Wall". They decide that they should go ask the Guard for tips on hunting dragons.
-They start looking for Castle Black, the location of the Midnight Guard. Eventually, Deyethe sees a large fort-like structure in the distance and decides that it must be the Castle.
-They go to the structure and see an elf. They ask him where they can find the Lord Commander of the Midnight Guard, but he tells them that this isn't Castle Black, it's just a bridge. Deyethe asks where it is, and the man points to a crappy little camp with one tent and a campfire.
-Deyethe and Jeuby are rather disappointed, and Deyethe kills the elf. However, they decide to go to the camp anyway since it's their best hope of taming a dragon.
-They go to the camp and ask the first elf they see where the Lord Commander is. The elf, surprisingly young looking, tells them that he's in his tent doing homework. They find this odd, but they go to the tent anyway.
-They look in the tent to see a young elf writing what appears to be some sort of essay. The elf looks up and introduces himself as Lord Commander Jean Sneau. Deyethe asks him what he's doing, and he says that he's writing a thesis for his Dragon Biology class.
-Jeuby and Deyethe find the youth of Jean Sneau and his men odd, but figure it just means that they are child prodigies in dragonslaying. They ask Jean for help on capturing a dragon.
-When they do this, Jean looks uncomfortable and says that he's never actually killed a dragon. Jeuby and Deyethe are angry, but figure his knowledge of dragon biology is still useful, so they force him to go with them across the wall, into dragon territory.
-Jean Sneau leads Jeuby and Deyethe to a large cave which he says is a known dragon den.
-They enter the cave, but all they find are large bats and disgusting worms. Jeuby and Deyethe are annoyed at Jean for leading them astray, but he insists that there are dragons deeper in the cave. Jeuby and Deyethe go along with it, but threaten Jean concerning the consequences if he is wrong.
-They come to a large cavern deep within the cave. On the other side, they see a relatively small dragon, asleep. Jean points and yells "see, I told you there were dragons here!"
-Jean's voice awakens the dragon, and it breathes ice all over his body. This causes Jean to become frozen in a large block of ice, presumably dead.
-Jeuby and Deyethe kill the ice dragon and briefly attempt to free Jean, but they quickly decide that they don't really care since they don't need him anymore now that they've found the dragon lair.
-They travel deeper, and kill some more dragons. Jeuby is disappointed that all the dragons are so easily killed, as he had wanted to tame a much larger and more impressive one. They continue on in the hopes of finding a dragon worthy of Jeuby.
-Finally, they reach the end of the cave system. In the final cavern they find a dragon far larger than any of the others, and Jeuby immediately decides that he will make it his steed.
-They fight the dragon and defeat it. The dragon surrenders to Jeuby and agrees to become his slave. However, Jeuby has already entered a blood rage and he decapitates the dragon before it can finish its sentence.
-Deyethe facepalms, and Jeuby looks around awkwardly. He says "oops"
-They decide that since they don't really have any other options they may as well search the cavern for some sort of other mount. They do so, and they find an unusually large turtle.
-Jeuby immediately loves the turtle, and decides to make it his mount. They leave the cave with their new turtle.
-Outside, Jeuby begins wondering if his turtle can fly like Deyethe's griffin can. He asks Deyethe, and Deyethe says that he should try jumping off a cliff with it.
-Jeuby agrees, and he jumps off the nearest cliff as he yells "jeubs protect me!"
-As it falls, the turtle's legs go into its shell, and are replaced by rocket boosters. The boosters turn on, and the turtle begins flying. Deyethe is shocked, but Jeuby had known that the jeubs would protect him somehow.
-Deyethe flies up to Jeuby on his griffin, and they agree that they are ready to kill the Cube. They begin flying out of the mountains toward Mount Dimlock.
-Jeuby and Deyethe arrive at the entrance to Mount Dimlock. They notice that the gates seem to be broken down and destroyed, but they decide to go in anyway.
-As they are going through the gate, they hear someone groaning behind them, as if in great pain.
-They turn around, and see Hildibrand lying on the ground with a large wound in his side. They walk up to him to gloat about their newfound powers and also to ask him how to find the Cube so they can kill it.
-Hildibrand seems surprised to see them, but then explains that he and Rhalgr had hired adventurers to find the Gems of Power, but that they had all died.
-He goes on to explain that the Cube then escaped, and began to travel south to Ul'Dah, presumably to kill everyone there. Hildibrand and Rhalgr tried to kill it, but they were not strong enough and Rhalgr had to flee, leaving Hildibrand wounded- but not fatally.
-Jeuby and Deyethe grow bored of his speech, and tell him to just tell them where the Cube is so they can go kill it.
-Hildibrand tells them that they're fools, and that they will die if they try to kill the Cube. Jeuby ponders killing him for saying this, but decides against it for the time being.
-They manage to bully Hildibrand into telling them where to go, but he tells them that they'll never make it in time.
-Deyethe laughs, and calls for Opinicus and the Rocket Turtle. They fly in, landing right next to Hildibrand. Hildibrand gasps and says "wut"
-Jeuby and Deyethe fly away to kill the Cube.
-They follow the path of destruction south, admiring the Cube's work in killing so many people.
-Finally, they find the Cube north of Ul'Dah, travelling south in what appears to be some sort of mechanical construct.
-They land in front of the Cube Construct, and Jeuby yells "your reign of terror is over, cube! We’ve come to get revenge for you hurting our friends"
-Deyethe whispers to him: "we are?" and Jeuby responds "no it just sounded cool"
-The Cube yells "fools! I have transcended the gods and defeated Rhalgr himself!"
-Deyethe responds "eh, he was kind of a loser anyway"
-The Cube responds "what!?" But before he can go on Jeuby kicks him in the shin and Deyethe punches him in the face.
-They fight, and the Cube is defeated by Jeuby and Deyethe.
-However, as the Cube is dying, he tells Jeuby one last thing "Ha! I want you to know something- all those dreams and visions you had were just me manipulating you. Your jeub gods are fake!"
-The Cube dies. Jeuby goes to one knee in shock, and has a moment of utter despair. Eventually, he stands again. Deyethe asks if he is alright, and Jeuby responds "I’m not sure what to do. All my life I’ve killed for the jeubs…but I feel his vision was true. What is the point of being a paladin now? Maybe we should just settle down…open a bar, perhaps."
-Deyethe says that he needs some time to ponder what he has gone through, and that he will help Jeuby with his bar for a time, although he still thirsts for blood and does not plan to stay settled forever.
-Months later, Jeuby and Deyethe are working at the bar, preparing for their first day of business. Jeuby tells Deyethe to go make some beer, as they need more just in case a lot of people come in.
-After Deyethe leaves, a woman walks in and says she heard about a new bar being opened- she explains "my father always told me to check out every bar in town"
-Jeuby finds this to be a wise bit of advice, and says as much. He then gives her a beer.
-The woman likes the beer, and asks if Jeuby made it himself, to which is responds that yes, he did. She says "I've never tasted anything like it"
-She goes on to say that she'll tell all her friends about this place, and that she'll be back later. She waves goodbye to Jeuby, and leaves to go about the rest of her day.
-Jeuby sits behind his bar happily.


Fin
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