What I want

Here we are, on the road once more, again bound for Stormont. This I feel will be the last journey of our quest. Martin has been crowned High King by the new Archbishop and we are on our way to see to the former Queen. I'm not sure what to expect. Regardless of whether or not she's given birth, Martin has been crowned and all of the Vassals, Lords and Knights have sworn fealty, including Arthur. The entire realm is behind Martin now and surely even she can't argue against it. I suspect there may be some posturing on her account but when she faced with the cold light of day she'll back down and fall into line. All that will be left after that will be to gather the army and await the Other King's arrival, ready to send him back into the abyss.
 
There is still one thing that troubles me... or perhaps troubles is the wrong word. All of this looking ahead to the battle actually brings into focus the question of what comes after too. I know I've written before of not wanting to look ahead to the future and that I fully expect to die in this fight, and I still do, but I can't help but wonder 'what if?'. What if we win and our plans go off without a hitch? Martin will rule, presumably with Lady Jen as his Queen as she expects his child (incidentally when did that happen!? Did I miss something!?) and Takuma will be there as the Court Mage now he has Magdens power. I believe Takuma has grown enough to know that he has a great responsibility with this power and will stick around to help rather than return to his old ways. But what of me?
 
Martin claims to have found evidence of a fourth god, a god that embodies the Wyrd itself and as such means that there is a long lost seventh member of the King's Shields. He offered that position to me, reinstate me as a King Shield. I had to decline. It's not what I want, what I need. My time as a King Shield has past and so to has my time in the Great Realm. I realise this as I reflect on this journey. I wrote before of how I felt a great sense of freedom after my time in Dojon and that sense has only grown as each of my tethers have been cut, one by one. I will see this quest through as I have vowed and vowed before but it also stands as my last tether. I lived a life of duty and service and obligation all born from loyalty and as sense of honour. My honour will not be tarnished, I gave my word and I stuck by it but if we succeed and I survive, I will be completely free. I will be my own master for the first time in my life. Had I accepted Martin's offer, I would simply be repeating the life I lived before.
 
I don't know what I want but I do know what I don't want. I don't want to live the life of Knight, I don't want to live the life of a King Shield, of a Vassal, that's not me anymore. I have written before of how the people view me, of how they'll remember me and being victorious in this battle will only cement my legacy as a warrior and nothing more. In my youth that would have suited me, being remembered as a valiant and heroic Knight but not now. Not after I achieved longer lasting accomplishments and have faced the harsh reality of warfare and what it is to be a warrior. As long as I remain in the Great Realm I will forever be Sir Cearbhall Kingshield and everything that title brings with it. To the people it is a grand and epic tale, for me it is something to be proud of for sure but in the context of my life it is nought but a burden and I must shed it.
 
I am uncertain of what my life will be if I remain and so I cannot stay in the Great Realm if I want my inner peace.