Thoughts and Images

10th Aprileth 1062 AF
 
So Sir Sodo gave me this scroll and wants me to record my thoughts and feelings. He says it will help, I don't know if he's right but I've chosen to put my trust in him so I will follow his instruction.
 
It was a hard journey on the road here; my body feels heavy and aches all over. I did not receive a very warm welcome here either, Tawaka, a complete prick of a wolf and Sir Sodo's top student, took a very instant dislike to me. Still though, at least I managed to fulfil Sir Sodo's request of me and discover what was causing the dispute between Tawaka and Shang. Shang tried to do Tawaka a favour by touching up his painting; Tawaka overreacted by wanting to kill Shang. Like I said; complete prick of a wolf.
 
There was one positive I can take from this though, I had a pleasantly strange encounter with a young woman named Ting whilst I was at the tea house. It was clear I was an outsider, I didn't have a clue what I was doing, but she came and sat next to me, instructed me on what to do and we just talked. Only small talk mind you, exclusively about tea, but it was... nice and totally unexpected. I think I could grow fond of mint tea.
 
15th Aprileth 1062 AF
 
I'd been wasting away atop that mountain for so long that I'd forgotten what it was like to have any sort of routine. I begin each day with a bath, it's very refreshing and helps me to clean my wounds, I guess Sir Sodo was right. Tea in the morning, mint, I wander down to the tea house to get it. Yet to see Ting again though.
 
I've been here for almost a week now, light training has begun, I'm starting to build up my strength again and Sir Sodo has taken me back to basics, it's actually surprising how much of it still feels like second nature. With the basic steps covered so quickly, I'll be starting to spar soon. I don't know if I'm ready. Sir Nikolai has been idle for a while now and everything itches. I think I'll need him again after sparring.
 
17th Aprileth 1062AF
 
Sparring began today. Sir Sodo had Shang and Tawaka take it in turns, swapping out after each blow. I thought I performed well at first but their superior skill and my lack of it soon shone through and I was beaten to the ground again and again. Tawaka really doesn't like me being here, he certainly doesn't pull his punches and I really am beginning to suspect that he wants to kill me. Either way I am exhausted, a little lavender tea and Sir Nikolai should help me sleep tonight. I'm still uncertain if I can do this, if I can heal, if I can return to being a competent warrior.
 
I wonder how the others are doing.
 
 
19th Aprileth 1062AF
 
Today Sir Sodo had me roll a huge boulder off a hill then push it back up. It was bloody tiring I can tell you. My arms were sore and my whole body was aching afterwards, gods I was happy to dive into the hot springs and soothe my muscles. This lavender tea is going down a treat too tonight.
 
Sir Sodo has also been lecturing and speaking to me at length about how I feel, what I think I’m facing. He says the first thing to address is my uncertainty as it is uncertainty that can lead to other problems. He says I should reflect on it and what it means to me. I’m not sure what he means but as I think about it, more and more images of the war seem to flash through my mind.
 
Uncertainty
Standing amidst death
Always standing together
Fading memories
 
 
20th Aprileth 1062AF
 
I went riding today. Sir Sodo had me race against Shang around a simple yet tricky course. I was unsteady at first, gained a lot of momentum but in the end came up short. Still though, I feel I performed admirably, Shang was impressed and Sir Sodo seemed pleased. I actually feel as though I’ve formed quite a bond with my bull, I even came up with an appropriate name for him given the journey we’ve been on. He’s a reliable companion; I can see now why Takuma is so attached to Amber.
 
I met Ting again today too. She was in the tea house, sat alone at the same table as before so I joined her. We simply chatted, making pleasant small talk. It was nice seeing her, she’s just easy to talk to, I don’t know what it is. Still, I hope to see her again.
 
 
23rd Aprileth 1062AF
 
It’s been nearly two weeks since I arrived here and it’s been nonstop intensive training but I feel that it’s starting to pay off. I’m much more comfortable in the saddle, I’m in the best shape of life since the war and my sword skills have greatly improved. Sir Sodo even taught me this special technique called the ‘Akanowan Slice’, I actually can’t wait to rejoin the others and restart instructing Martin. Having such an expert of a tutor like Sir Sodo perhaps I’ll be able to be a better instructor to young Martin, he may already be very accomplished but nothing can substitute experience.
 
I still worry about that though, looking ahead to the future. What if I don’t really have one? What if I fall at the last hurdle with my training here? Sir Sodo says that is the next step, uncertainty breeds fear and the only way to conquer your fear is to face it. He asked me what my biggest fear was. I answered truly becoming what people now see and say about me.
 
Fear
Whispers drawing nearer
Darkness grows and reaches out
Cloaked in death’s armour
 
 
24th Aprileth 1062AF
 
I lost. I am lost.
 
Forced to fight a duel I never wanted, it was as if the whole world conspired against me, dragged me into it. Tawaka’s reasons for wanting to fight me had been proven baseless but because he is regarded as honourable, and I am not, I had two clear choices; fight now or fight later.
 
I was a fool to think that I could recapture any resemblance of my younger self. I have truly become what people now see and say about me; a cowardly washed up old drunk, a has been, a failure. I thought I could receive the help I needed here but it is clear I can’t do this. It doesn’t matter how good a master craftsman Sir Sodo is, if the materials he’s working with are utter shite then they’ll never be forged into anything of worth. I am a broken pile of rotten planks.
 
 
25th Aprileth 1062AF
 
Ting visited me first thing this morning, we shared tea and spoke as we usually do. She had obviously come to console and reassure me after yesterday’s defeat. I can say that it worked, Sir Nikolai remains idle. I don’t know how she does it, she just has a way of making me feel at ease, it’s as if I’ve known her intimately all my life. Our conversation was soon interrupted by a messenger informing us that the Simians had returned to Berwich. Sir Sodo quickly readied us all to move out. Tawaka came and gave me his old sword; that was weird.
 
We traveled at speed, not breaking once except for now in the evening just so we and the bulls can get a bit of rest before continuing. I resumed my conversations with Sir Sodo and he told me that dwelling on your defeats and allowing yourself to be consumed by them will only lead to ruin. You must reflect on your defeats in order to overcome them and move on, learn from your mistakes. Once you have been defeated you must learn how to survive.
 
Ruin
Shattered and hopeless
A remnant of our failure
Broken and consumed
 
Defeat
Resilient and strong
Warriors fall, birthed anew
Drowning and alone
 
Survival
Giving life to all
A wandering mind searches
Riches left behind
 
 
27th Aprileth 1062AF
 
It’s been a hard ride, no rest save a few hours a night, eat whilst riding and not even any time to piss in a bush. Sir Sodo seems determined to get us to Berwich in record time. I must confess that I’m not sure I’m ready to return there again but with Sir Sodo at my back I feel like I can manage… I hope. I suspect that I’ll probably come across him again. Returning to Berwich is one thing but facing him again will be another.
 
Sir Sodo hopes we will arrive around evening tomorrow. I hope we’re all not too tired and that the situation we find isn’t too dire. I will say this though, having Sir Sodo ride out front, it reminds me of Edward and breathes life into the small flame of belief I hold inside of me, belief that we will win regardless of the odds.
 
 
30th Aprileth 1062AF
 
Sir Sodo is dead. Killed by a cloaked demon. So much so quickly it all feels like a blur. I should be reveling in my triumph, I killed The Survivor and partly redeemed my name but instead here I am, mourning the loss of a dear friend and mentor. I was stricken by the sight of his body, were it not for that voice I doubt I would’ve snapped out of it and helped Tawaka and Shang. That voice though, I know it, I know who she is. Being faced by such a foe as that Other I could think of nothing to do but pray and it seemed my prayer was answered. I find it hard to describe what it felt like, that light all around me, the power surging through my body, the sword actually piercing his armour. I may have never given it much thought in my life but maybe the gods are real.
 
 
3rd Mayeth 1062AF
 
Tomorrow we will arrive back in Dojon to hold a proper funeral for Sir Sodo. The journey back has felt quite lonely, I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore. Shang is courteous and obliging enough and Tawaka’s mood towards me seems to have shifted for the better but still, it’s not the same.
 
I’ve been thinking about what I would say to Sir Sodo, what he would say to me.
 
“When you are uncertain you become fearful. Fear leads to your own personal ruin which is brought to light by defeat. When you have been defeated you must then learn how to survive.”
 
But what comes next? Survival means fighting, there is always struggle and strife as we all battle for our place in the world. A kingdom fights a kingdom just as a farmer fights a harsh winter. And I suppose a drunken old goat fights to simply not be a disappointment to everyone anymore.
 
Strife
Unknown horizons
Struggle and cry out for help
Weakened from the fight
 
 
4th Mayeth 1062AF
 
Sir Sodo’s funeral was held today. It was quite a peaceful, calming affair which felt strangely appropriate. Tawaka performed this funerary rite where he sprayed a special kind of ink over the grove to spread and preserve the memory of Sir Sodo. I really like that idea; it’s a very comforting notion.
 
Tawaka offered to continue training me, to become my new master. His change of heart still seems quite radical to me but he is now the main master of this dojo and, I dare say, Sir Sodo’s equal as a swordsman. I accepted his offer because I know my work here is not finished and I cannot do it alone, I still need help and if Tawaka is offering to help me then I would be a fool to refuse.
 
 
6th Mayeth 1062AF
 
Tawaka and I left Dojon today; we will head to Tsoana as the day of the Shogun’s judgment arrives. I do hope that they were able to complete their quest and get the cloak; even more so that they’re all in one piece.
 
I am quite sad to leave Dojon, I shall miss it. The place has such an air of calmness about it, every aspect of life there seems designed to sooth mind, body and spirit. It’s the first time I’ve felt at home since before the war. I think in many ways I will miss the tea room above all, I can’t help but chuckle as I write, such a strange notion. Its atmosphere is so different to that of a tavern, there is noise and bustle sure but toned down, that air of calmness being its foundation.
 
And then there is Ting. A remarkable woman who truly embodies that calmness, emanates it. I cannot say or describe in any measure just how grateful I am for all that she’s done for me, nothing special, nothing outlandish just simple, honest, good-natured conversation. Sometimes that’s all you need, a dose of pleasantries to take your mind off the horrors of your world. I hope to see her again and keep my promise to share another pot of tea. I dare say she’s the best friend I’ve ever had and that’s no small feat.
 
 
13th Mayeth 1062AF
 
I have been reflecting on the discussions I had with Sir Sodo and my own thoughts on the various subjects. Last time I wrote about the struggle you must undergo to survive but what comes next? What happens when you have survived? And then the answer struck me; hope. Once you have survived you can start to hope again, have dreams again, look forward to the future. I hope to see Takuma, Martin and Magden again, to return to Dojon one day.
 
I brought these thoughts to Tawaka over the course of our journey and he seemed to agree but also added that once you have overcome the struggle, you can be at peace and that even the newfound sense of hope can lead to that feeling of inner peace. Looking back over my journey with Sir Sodo, Tawaka and I discussed it at length, concluding that with these realizations this stage of my journey is complete. When you were at odds with yourself but have battled through to now be at peace you have walked through fire and been born anew. The next part of the journey is continue pressing forward, remaining at peace, keeping that sense of hope and knowing that if you do falter again, you have the strength to overcome it.
 
Hope
Safety surrendered
A heart refusing to fail
Stand tall and resist
 
Peace
A hidden respite
Gently cleansing, stand refreshed
A new beginning
 
Rebirth
A journey awaits
A welcome escape from all
Replace what was lost
 
“When you are uncertain you become fearful. Fear leads to your own personal ruin which is brought to light by defeat. When you have been defeated you must then learn how to survive. When you have survived you can begin to hope again and find your inner peace. Then you are reborn anew.”
 
 
19th Mayeth 1062AF
 
Well, tomorrow is the day. The Shogun must arrive with the cloak or she will be deposed and exiled in disgrace. Knowing what that’s like I do hope it doesn’t come to pass. But even though I should be hopeful of their return, all of them, triumphant and not a scratch on them, I cannot help but be uncertain and I fear the possibility they failed. If anything has happened to Martin then it is not just Akanowa we must worry about but the entire world. Who then to stand against the Others? I’ve seen them; I know what challenge they present.
 
But my thoughts also wander to the scenario of what if they have succeeded, what do I do then? Can I really just rejoin them like that? I’ve changed so much since we parted and I’m sure they all have too. If they have been successful on this quest without me then what need of me would they have in future? I struggle to see my place with them, I don’t know what I can offer them, if I can offer them something they don’t already have.
 
Perhaps this is just nerves. I failed them so badly last time throughout the entire journey that I can only hope they accept my renewed help and we can press forward together. Only time will tell and it’s no use me mulling over all possibilities now, I shall await and see what tomorrow brings. I believe they will all return triumphant. I may even give a little prayer to that end.