Once Again, Hello

It has been so long since I last wrote anything down in this journal. I have lost motivation to write anything down. I care very little for most things now and I'm so scared. I've never felt like this before.
 
I fear that if I write all of my thoughts down then I will no longer be able to ignore them or pretend like they do not exist. Logically, I think it would be best for me to do this. My brain is reminding me that it is unhealthy to hold onto my thoughts. Internalizing negativity is something I always scolded Rio for. Now, I'm doing the exact same thing... I'm nothing but a hypocrite, hm?
 
I'll write my thoughts. This is in celestial. The party cannot read it. Only my brothers can read it.
 
My brothers... My family? Hah... I have no idea where they are. I don't know what's happening to them. I only know that Rio and Elion are here, with me, and I selfishly need to keep them with me, so that I don't lose them also. I can't lose them too. I will sacrifice my life to keep both of them safe.
 
Since it's my fault that Father is dead. Right, Elion? That's what you told me. Is it true? It must be true. He would not lie about that and there's no other reason why Father would be... Why he would be gone... If he had enough men to fight against the modrons then he would be alive. But he sent his people after me. To bring me home from my completely asinine escape. And now he's dead. Because of me.
 
How can I even face Rio anymore?
 
I promised him that I would protect him no matter what. I intend to do so, but does he truly want me to? Does he still view me as his kind-hearted strange older brother or have I become something different to him? Does he blame me for our father's death? He should. He should, but I don't want him to. I don't know what I'd do if Rio looked at me with hate in his eyes. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I need him here with me. He's one of the few things that I have left in this world.
 
I can't let him read this. I can't let anyone see this. I can't say anything to anyone. They have their own issues to deal with and they have already helped me enough. This is my singular battle, but I fear I'm losing the fight, quite badly.
 
I've taken up the habit of not speaking. Not verbally responding to things - simply gesturing, one way or another. I think I said only ten words today. I didn't speak yesterday, did I? I don't know how to talk anymore. I've lost my voice. I think a piece of me is missing. A piece of me is missing and I'm clueless as to how to get it back.
 
Do I care that it's missing? No, I don't think that I do, truthfully. My non-verbalness is not much of an issue, in the grand scheme of things. The party doesn't seem to mind my silence and I still speak with Rio and Elion and Po. If I truly need to speak then I do so, but saying words just to make conversation is pointless. There is nothing for me to talk about with anyone anymore, except for Rio and Elion.
 
I don't care. I can't bring myself to care. I know that I should care, but what's the point of conversing when my family is lost and my people are scattered across the continent, scared and alone and dying? What's the point of talking to anyone? To make friends, or to gather information about the ridiculous circus nonsense, or to come to some sort of peace with an opposing force? Does any of that matter anymore? I doubt it. I cannot see any point to having any conversation with anyone unless it is important to the goals of my family, kingdom or the party. I believe I've felt this way for a while. Or perhaps I am simply admitting it now because I've come to this realization while writing. Or perhaps I just feel this way because my words have never succeeded at doing much of anything.
 
Last time I spoke most was after Everska was overrun. I spoke with the council before that moment to try to save the town and it ended in failure. If I ever try to do the same again, then it will be unsuccessful. Our enemy (are they really our enemy?) is one that cannot be stopped or reasoned with. I know this. I also know giving any warning to anyone about them will not be helpful. Evacuation takes too long. They are too fast. They can fly. They are an unknown entity on this plane, and so no one knows how to properly defeat them.
 
It's pointless to say anything about them. Everyone knows this already. Or, if they do not, then they will soon. I'm sure news of the extraplanar creatures will spread like wild fire. It began in Laralissi and has spread because of Elion. They now can go wherever they desire, since they've taken over a town and created a place to branch out from. My own brother is the reason these creatures now have that ability.
 
Elion brought awful creatures to a central location on the continent. Marros no longer speaks because there is no reason to (this feels like it was inevitable, now that I think about how my parents always silenced me back home (I miss it now, funnily enough. I'd give anything to hear Father and Mother scold me.)). Rio is terrified of fighting against anything but is doing his best to remain cheerful, even though I know he is drowning in grief and tragedy, just like I am.
 
I want to be strong for him so that he does not have to be strong. He should be able to cry and break and be afraid. He is the youngest. It should not be his burden to cheer me or the party or even the entire town up. It should not be his duty to carry me on his back when I can barely breathe. I should be the one carrying him. It all should be my burden. I need to be strong so that he does not have to be, but I don't know how to be.
 
I am so sorry, Rio. I want to do better for you. How can I do better for you?
 
I don't know.
 
I also don't know how to face Elion. I'm so terrified of even talking to him. I've thought it over and over, I've dissected it and considered it from all angles, and I cannot say that I would not do the same thing that he did. A town full of strangers that he didn't know, in exchange for the safety of my people?
 
It doesn't seem like a wrong decision anymore, and I know that it should. I should find the very idea abhorrent, since it is entirely detestable and unforgiveable, according to how I was raised. Sacrificing a life for another life is not something I should even consider.
 
But if it's to save someone I deeply care for... I no longer am able to say that I would not consider it.
 
Does this make me a horrible person? Have I become so despicable that I would stoop to such a horrid level? I don't know. I don't know anymore. All I do know is that there is no path I can see to save my family and my people. There is no hope anymore. If someone presented me with the option to save them, if someone gave me even a tiny bit of hope to cling to, then... I think I might take them up on that offer, no matter the ramifications.
 
I am already willing to give up my life to protect my brothers. If I do not have to give up my life, but instead the life of another? Especially if it is not directly my fault, but instead caused by some other force? Would I be able to say no to that?
 
I can't answer that, and that fact alone terrifies me.
 
I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think like this. I don't know what else I can do. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I don't even know if I care. I don't know how to free myself of this. Do I deserve to be free from this?
 
No, I do not. My father is dead because of me. This is my internal, eternal punishment.