A Missing Piece

Kit had been trying to ignore the growing pit in the bottom of her stomach, the one that told her Killian had been growing more distant from her. She had always known this day would come. She had tried to ignore it most of her life, but she knew it all the same. Perhaps that was why she remained so dedicated to following him around, to making her life about him; it was a desperate way to make up for the time she knew she would no longer have him.
 
She didn’t know if Killian was aware she had overheard his profession of love for Neru. It didn’t surprise her though. Despite his penchant for random hookups and meaningless sex, Kit had always known deep down inside, Killian wanted to find love. And if he ever did, it would change everything between them – even if he said it wouldn’t.
 
Kit had already seen that change – Neru and Killian had become inseparable, the way they once were. It had been weeks since Kit and Killian had even had longer than a few seconds together, and the care and intimacy he had once shown her was all but gone. Any conversations they had were brief and often sharper in tone than they had ever been before. Even that conversation between Killian, Silver and Kit earlier – Killian would normally have stayed and talked things through, countered her points, talked sense into her. Instead, it was as if he was exasperated by her, and took off, immediately to where he and Neru once again were together. She didn't feel this in a bitter way, but it was an observation, and one she had felt heavily.
 
Kit wasn’t jealous, so much as she was sad – in mourning really, as things began to change. Sad, because as Killian pulled further away, Kit found herself alone – something she had never really experienced. Not alone in the sense that no-one was around. Of course, there was the group – but alone in the sense that it felt as though a part of her was missing. That closeness, that ability to trust someone and feel seen no matter what. And after all the strides they had just made in their relationship.
 
Kit moved a gloved hand from her crossbow as she watched over the hive, wiping away the tears that began to form.
 
Things with Arathorn were… complicated… and she couldn’t and wouldn’t expect him to fill that hole anyway. They were really still just getting to know one another and the weight of being half of another person was far too heavy a burden for where they were at. For Kit, she felt like it was far too heavy a burden to ask of anyway. And she couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps her brother had felt that heaviness, and if that was why it was so easy for him to walk into that closeness with someone else and away from her.
 
But again, she had never expected him to stay. Never expected him to be that for her entire life. It wasn’t Killian’s fault Kit had been such an isolated bitch most of their lives, that she had refused to let anyone else in. And she couldn’t ask him to pay the price of that, couldn’t ask him to give up his desires for more for that.
 
Kit didn’t doubt that Killian loved her dearly, nor worried that he cared less about her – but their relationship had shifted. And it was something she struggled hard to deal with.
 
She had been trying hard to be strong, to hold herself together. And for once, her strength seemed to be failing her. Kit blamed it on the stress and anxiety of waiting to see that Arathorn was safe. If Kit was being honest, she didn’t even know if Arathorn had any real interest in there being anything beyond whatever they had here. His dreams for his future seemed quiet, perhaps alone, did not seem as though they included someone else. And Kit wasn’t even sure at this point if she could give up life on the seas – even if she gave up piracy. Truth be told, Kit was beginning to wonder if perhaps, once this was all done, the best option for her would be to slip away from everyone – let them live their lives. Let Silver and Oak start on their future, Killian and Neru begin theirs; Fae and Neru growing in their attachment.
 
Kit would stay until this was all done, when their mission -- stopping whatever this new threat to the world was -- ended, but she’d watch for her moment to depart at that point. Goodbyes weren’t really her thing, and besides, she wouldn’t be gone from their lives forever. Just long enough for them all to move forward without the deadweight of someone who couldn’t handle being alone. It would be for the best.
 
As Kit continued to watch the hive, waiting for any sign of Arathorn, any hint that he was okay or in trouble, EGO’s voice startled her from her thoughts, and she looked over, purposely avoiding eye contact.