Stupidity and Desperation Are Two Sides of the Same Coin

I do not think I have ever been one to resort to desperate measures as a first choice of action. Even when I was without family or troupe, a lost and homeless teenager, I sought rational methods of looking after myself rather than resorting to turning myself over to the orphanages of Bellancourt or something else that would otherwise shackle me into a soulless, hollow existence.
 
And yet here I am, considering the worst, riskiest plan possible instead of thinking of anything more rational. And this was my first choice, no less. Truly, I am a dullard and a desperate person to even consider it. 'It' being approaching my mother and asking if she would be willing to trade off one of Leahdrain's favors that I owe her. To think I would approach the very woman I sought to avoid all these years ago in order to escape the clutches of another woman entirely. This is a dangerous game I am playing, and I only see dark storm clouds on the horizon that is my future. No doubt she will try to outwit me, but I must remain firm in my choice and not yield any more than I need to. I do not wish to become either woman's knight or slave. I am far more valuable than that sort of menial position.
 
I do not like knowing that I am but a pawn in a petty battle of politics between two fey duchesses. I have spent more and more nights as Dahlia, trying to avoid being me and, I confess, cursing my own existence and the foul fate that guided the nature of my conception. Imagine if my father had not left his old life, I would be an aristocrat in an established, respectable house in Montaigne. I would never have to know poverty, or danger, or fey nobles squabbling over me as though I were a prize-winning horse. But alas, such is not the life I have been given. It is not that I dislike what I do, or the people I have met, or being a part of my circus family. I just find myself wishing more and more that the troubles that plague me were non-existent. I think everyone feels that way about the troubles in their lives, though, and there are many who are worse off than I. So should I really be complaining? Is it not rude and insensitive of me to do so, when there are those who are starving on the streets, in active danger from the Syndicate, or rotting in prisons for crimes they have not committed?
 
I know Manny would tell me not to think this way. He'd say that everyone has their own struggles, and that it does not matter if my struggles are better or worse than anyone else's. Comparing oneself to others is not fair to oneself, in the end. I know I should listen to him, but it's so hard to keep positive as of late.
 
Oh, in other news, I met Steyfano. Figured out who he was halfway into the conversation with him. I'd thought he had far more interesting and important things to do than pay attention to little ol' me, but it appears I've caught his eye somehow. I do not think myself all that special, but I am interested in seeing what it is he is watching me for. Time will tell, I guess