The Road Is Dangerous. I Get It Now.

Dear Kosil
 
Remember how I was wondering why the road was called dangerous. I think I may have just discovered why. I danced with death (again), an intricate tango that involved bonfires, rodent matriarchs, cuddle puddles, rapey bandits, (fortunately not cuddle puddles with rapey bandits) and dead ogres. Let me start from the beginning because I am getting ahead of myself.
 
So we want to hire this Davos mercenary so we can go on more heroic quests. He is this guy who drinks all day in the tavern, he seems to have his shit together, and he is willing to work for 1 GP a day. Sounds legit. I was ready to do all the talking, but the group thought we could finish exploring the cave by ourselves and keep all the gold. Made sense to me. We are strong heroes, we can do it. Later Davos, later.
 
We head back to the cave, and along the road, we meet up with a patrol. Patrolling for what you may ask? Well, I am not at that part of the story yet be patient sheesh. They tell us if we make a map of the caves they will buy a copy. Sold baby sold. Just need to finish the map first. We make it back to the cave no problem, because why would there be a problem? Only to discover that the entryway has been barricaded. What the name of gorgonzola is this? It is like they knew we were coming? Might be because we have raided them twice before, I am not sure. I try to burn down the barricade, but they are tricky tricky, the bits and bites of wood from smashed furniture was soaked with water. FOILED! As I am kneeling down one of those Kobolds tries to stick me with a spear threw the little holes in the barricade. So, of course, I used my longbow to shoot at him. They really are tiny and cute. I could wear one on my shoulder like a parrot if they weren’t trying to murder me all the time. Think I could get one and train it to not want to stab me in my sleep, or while I am awake for that matter? If a halfling can tame an owlbear, I am pretty sure I could beat one of these little pipsqueaks into submission. Thoughts? Let me know, I think a pet would be nice. I will feed it this time I swear to all those above and below.
 
Anyway, they lobbed these clay pots of oil at us, so I am standing in a puddle of oil. The not really blind drunk paladin suggests we use that to burn the barricade. Yeah, that works for me. So I step out of the puddle and light it aflame. WOOSH! So beautiful. Truly a bonfire to behold. It quickly died down when they splashed more water, just spread the fire out a bit. The paladins, all muscles and little forethought both start hacking away at the barrier, it doesn’t do much. Luckily Miayra was thinking, she tied her rope to a crowbar, instant grappling hook! Hooked that baby into the barricade and we all pulled. Success!! The barricade has been decimated, and we make quick work of the few kobolds that remain there.
 
In classic hero fashion, we have learned from our previous raids and endeavors. We push some of the burning wreckage into the pit trap and then jam it open. No enemies can swarm us now for if they try they will fall into the hole. We use some oil to light either side ablaze. Remember the rats? They are still there, and rats as you know hate fire. This is working great. My pal, the paladin, (get it?) Adokul uses himself as a human (Half-elf) barricade to keep us from being attacked by sharp rat teeth and claws while Stony, the not drunk paladin guards the other side. We shoot as many rats as we can before they retreat. Cowards. We give chase, as heroes do. We find them cowering behind a very large rat king. Again, using the paladins as a shield, Miayra and I shoot them down, making quick work of our dangerous foe. The room has a stench so bad it makes your eyes water, but we search it anyway for treasure. We did find a pretty necklace, that one of the paladins says could be magic and he knows of a way we could find out. Fantastic right? Fennie says that more kobolds are coming and we best retreat victorious. This is the cave that keeps on giving, we will have to come back at least once more.
 
In the forest, outside the cave, we decide to take a short rest. Stony says if we cuddle the jewelry, the rat necklace and the opal we can find out if they are magical. I didn’t know that cuddling pretty things was like magic did you? But before we could settle into our shiny object cuddle puddle, we hear bandits coming down the road. These are those rapey bandits that were mentioned in town so they did not want to pass us by. I guess those paladins were to close to a pathway to heaven to pass up. I may have decided to use myself as bait and lure them in, a dangerous tactic but crafty too. Everyone else remained hidden. They were all able to get the drop on them due to my heroic thinking and action. One bandit was severely injured, forcing them to retreat, dragging him along. We gave chase, not wanting to let them getaway. We managed to shoot all but one while taking minimal damage ourselves. We offered to allow the other to surrender, I was intrigued by the idea of handing over a live bandit. I thought perhaps they might let me watch how they extract information from him before the hanging. Much to my dismay, he chose to make a last stand and allow us to kill him instead of face the short drop and quick stop. Oh well.
 
You may be thinking, “This is why the road is dangerous? Five dead rapey bandits.” Oh no, dear brother, read on for I am not yet at the end of my tale. We now are able to go back to our short rest. Fennie takes watch in a tree as the rest of us take a much-deserved nap. We wake up to Fennie yelling about something, we heard the crashing and stomping sounds before we finally heard what he was saying
 
“OGRE! RUN THE FUCK AWAY!”
 
He was right it was an ogre, and run the fuck away we did. Better a live hero than a dead idiot. Fennie was knocked out of the tree but survived the fall somehow. The rest of us shot the ogre before running as fast as we could away. Adokul, managed to shoot this giant through his eye, felling him to ground with the loudest crash you have ever heard. He says it was through the grace of the dawn, but I think he had a lucky object up his poop chute. Either way, we do not trust he is dead so all of us poke and stick him with objects and arrows just to be sure. I think we should kick him in his ogre balls but I am told that we had no proof he was male. Fair enough, poking with sharp implements it is. Once we are convinced he is dead we remove his head to prove our daring deeds back at the Keep. Yet before we arrive we spot some very suspicious-looking plants. We left them well enough alone in case they were sentient or otherwise evil. We had a head to deliver.
 
Corporal Baldie sure was surprised when we brought him back that ogre head he asked for. He even gave us 10 GP for it. The whole town came out to see it. Keep an ear out for a song about it. I am sure it will reach you any day.
 
Oh nuts, I forgot to ask to have the ogre head stuffed. Blast.
 
Heroic as always,
Sweet Sacyra