It won't let me sleep

Dear Makesa,
 
You or my village? The thought haunts my mind each night. Through the quiet coos from Iago’s corner of the room, an eavesdropper could easily hear my twists and turns until dawn. Zadrick and Clive make me laugh. My classmates make me laugh. But nobody can make me laugh like you could.
 
I thought I could help you. I thought I was going to come back to the house with a cure. I didn’t know how wrong I was. So fucking stupid. I’m sorry, Makesa. I don’t know what you thought in those final moments, but all I can imagine at night is your pained expression as you passed looking for me. You knew what I was trying to do, I think to myself. But there was nothing for me in the Hadrian. Nothing!
 
And the nightmare again. Dark wings surround my vision -- Iago’s? Not quite -- and I am falling, falling, until I land in the center of your eyes. Down, down, I sink, as your eyes swamp my face and my mouth -- I can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t -- and then, I’m at a round table. A faceless man sits across from me, and he pulls out two photos: one, you; the other, my village. He pulls out a lighter, and gestures. I know he’s asking me to choose.
 
“Mom, Grandma, what do I do?” I scream. But you are as silent as you were the day I set off to cure you. I try not to let the faceless man see my tears, but he sees all. Again, he gestures and asks me to choose. The faceless man laughs.
 
I won’t even tell Iago about it. I don’t want to talk about it. But I’m afraid of what it means: time is running out, and it could happen again. What if I can’t find the cure in time? Or worse, what if I do -- and it’s too late anyway. My family, my village, all dead and I couldn’t say goodbye to one of them. Maybe the pressure of the murder is getting to me, or maybe the pressure was going to hit anyway. I think I need a good fly. I’m a bit scared because it turns out not everybody loves hawks.
 
Fuck that. I need to see my family.
 
And so the studying continues. I miss you, Makesa. Perhaps one day I will even find a way to see you again.
 
Love,
Mercy
 
P.S. If that bitch Selena gives me that shit again I’m going to dunk her head in the goddamn toilet. I know how much you'd love that.