Virgins Are Tasty

by Dr. N.O. Cents, Professior of Applied Biological Research, University of the Arcane at Ofve Thalore

WARNING: This article is under review by the management of the Arrhynsian World Encyclopedia for being in extremely bad taste.

Everyone Knows...

It's no secret that dragons insist upon peasants offering up the most beautiful young virgin girls to cease their predations on the villager's crops and livestock for a year. Presumably only the best will do, and dragons are notoriously picky eaters, and so the legend asserts that virgins are much more tasty than less pristine females. If you try to pawn off a substitution for the virgin, the dragon will visit vengance on your not-very-noble brow.
This food legend is a critical area ripe for research as following recent trends, many dragon overlords have become more socially conscious and wish to relieve the pressure of their eating habits on local sentient populations. Villagers for their part, wish to spread the burden of feeding their local oppressive dragon masters with supplemental sources outside the population of young female virgins as these are limited and in rapidly diminishing supply.

The Question

This researcher wished to determine if this legend is, in fact true, or if it is simply an over-blown, over-romanticized assertion designed to keep women in their place on the dinner table.

Hypothesis

The researchers established the following hypothesis:
Null Hypothesis: There is no statistically significant difference between the taste of virgins and non-virgins to dragons.
Alternative Hypothesis: Virgins taste better than non-virgins to dragons.
Please note: The tastiness of virgins to non-dragons was not the subject of this research. Other research on the topic of the tastiness of young adventurers to ogres and trolls is currently proposed to the Arrhynsian Center for Medical and Biological Information for consideration for grant funding from the Grendel Trust.

Design of Experiment

In order to understand and draw reasonable conclusions from the data to be acquired, it was necessary to conduct a fairly wide ranging study that had a large enough sample size for results to be statistically significant given variation across both tasters and tasted. Due to the difficulty in getting volunteers for the tasted sample group, the study was conducted double blind, and both researchers and members of the tasted population were told that the study was being conducted to better understand sapient sexuality. The population of tasted samples was given a overly intrusive questionnaire where they revealed intimate information prompted by inexcusably nosy questions about everything from their race, medical history, what they ate the week prior to the experiment, their sexual experiences, their gender identity, their attainment of puberty and (for biological females) their menstrual cycles.
After providing the answers to the questionaire, the sample was escorted to the back door of the research facility where four dragons awaited and the sample was tasted. The dragons completed an exhaustive questionaire post-meal that involved detailed analysis of both general impressions and specific characteristics of the tasted sample including nuances of flavor, tenderness, texture, and potentially off-putting pre-meal behaviors by the tasted sample which included items such as fleeing, screaming or resisting. Samples were not cooked prior to consumption.

Findings

The researchers used multivariate analysis of the data and were able to draw the following conclusions with statistical significance (P=0.05):
The null hypothesis was upheld.
Researchers found that regardless of the taster, the number of times a tasted sample engaged in sex was not correlated to tastiness. However, the tastiness of a sample was able to be predicted by several factors that emerged in the study. First, pre-pubescent status was strongly correlated to tastiness. Primary factors on the part of the tasted sample that appeared causal to the taster's report of tastiness was identification of the sample as extremely tender and quivering with fear when consumed. Quivering with fear was the most strongly correlated factor with tastiness in all sample sets for all tasters indicating that adenalin and cortisol may be detectable to dragons, and indicating a path for future research. Additionally, it was noted that overall, the dragons identified females as tastier than males, but this was a very minor effect compared to other factors. The factors of the tasted sample that could be determined pre-consumption that reliably indicated tastiness was: age <13, age 13> and <40, Body Mass Index > 27, and then biological gender = female. Race and gender identity were not correlated with tastiness.
Of interest, dietary habits of the tasted samples were strongly correlated for individual tasters, most notably, among those tasted samples that consumed food products high in sulfuric compounds such as alliums (garlic and onions) all tasters were able to detect and identify these residual flavors. This flavor differential was enjoyed by tasters (66%), or reviled by them (22%) with 12% of tasters ambivalent to these residual dietary flavors.

Conclusions

For Dragons

For those dragons with complete control of their territories and peasants, who also wish to ease pressure on populations with no loss of culinary satisfaction, a re-prioritized set of demands were indicated by the data. The data suggested that demands should be centered on young overweight sexually immature individuals, with a dietary request that the offerings be fed alliums with every meal the week prior to offering (if this flavor is enjoyed) to maximize culinary enjoyment. For dragons with more problematic control of their villagers, a retreat in standards for offerings to no longer require beautiful submissions but insistence on those with a BMI > 27 and age <40 and a steady diet of alliums (if this is enjoyed) appears to be an optimal risk/taste balance. In either case, though further research is required to be definitive, it is likely a worthwhile investment in time to attempt to elevate the dining experience by playing with your food prior to consumption.

For Peasants

For villagers who do not believe that full out revolt against their dragonlord oppressors is a possibility for them, two possible strategies are suggested by the data:
The first option is to line up all the undesireable and unpleasant people in the community, fatten them up, and feed them to your local dragonlord in as slow a pace as the dragon will allow. Not proven, but worth considertion are any techniques that might be applied to maximize stress hormone release prior to offering. Post feed, dragons were typically comatose for seven weeks regardless of the tastiness of the sample. This probably accounts for the yearly demand cycle faced by most subjucated villages. During our research, dragons were required to share the tasted sample with three other dragons whereas in normal feedings, each dragon would have the entire sample to themselves to sate their appetite.
The second option is to provide a dietary supply of villagers to your local dragon that selects for older overweight individuals. These would be less likely to tbe able to outrun either the dragon or you, and thus offer local village authorities plausible deniability to any suspicious peasants.
In all cases, for all villages, if a knight comes by, the village council or mayor should hire him on the spot to kill your local troublesome overlords. There is no downside to this. If the knight fails, you have acheived a year of respite from the dragon's demands while he recovers from his meal, and if the knight succeeds, the worst he will do is ask for one of your fair maidens who would probably be sacrified to the dragon eventually anyway. Thus, it is always advantageous to hire a knight to slay your dragon whenever possible.

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