Old Wounds
Intense pain radiates from my right arm. Tears streaming down my face. Legs screaming to stop. An Alarm Bell pealing into the night. Stopping isn’t an option. Arrowheads scrape against bone with every step. A stray pebble ruins the barely held together rhythm of the run and we come crashing down. Unfamiliar voices grow louder. Torchlight brightens. So tired. So very tired. This isn’t the end we wanted, but I guess this is it. A bony hand rests on my back.
It’s time to go Son of Stone. Let’s go see your friends.
“My friends? They won’t want to see me. I failed them.”
They told me to find you, Son of Stone, they won’t leave you. Even if you’ll leave THEM! Eyes burst open. The frame of the cot squeaks with the shift of weight. Stale air, the smell of sweat. The Town Guard barracks. Right, I moved across the continent. Did I do the right thing? I can’t keep running from this. What will Rebecca say? She won’t love a coward. And that’s what I am. A Coward.
“-son? Stenson!” Kavrimi Emberdream’s voice breaks through the fog I had trapped myself in. She’s up and ready to go? I better get to it. Oh shoot, she’s still saying things.
“Are you listening?” Kavrimi’s face looks like how you’d look at a dog who took three calls of their name for them to come. There’s certainly worry there, but it’s buried under the annoyance of having to repeat yourself.
“No Kavrimi, I’m sorry. Was in a bit of a haze. Bad Dream.”
“Just get suited up, it’s almost dawn.”
“Yes ma’am.” Clothes. Padding. Chain. Helmet. Boots. It’s instinct at this point.
The morning is busy, lots of people about, which means lots of pickpockets. The spring sun is warm but doesn’t make the armor hot. A nice day. Small lunch of cheese and bread. Afternoon is less busy. As the sun starts setting, we make our way back to Eastgate. Get out of armor. Go out for a small dinner. Warm and filling, it’s all a man needs. Have a drink with the other guards, walk back to barracks. A mild Spring night. The echo of pedestrians, the smell of home-cooked meals, the amber light of torches. Cities have their own beauty to them. I can’t wait to show Rebecca. The Barracks is quiet. Night-shift must have left already. A long yawn. Prep for bed. Read. Talk to folks around the Barracks. Lie awake. Sleep comes to me. He’s reaching to me. I can’t even help Him up. I can’t carry Him. My left hand grows warm as my right arm begins to bleed again. A voice approaches the cell. He’s still reaching out, unable to move anything else. The words choke in my throat. “I’m sorry” I’m awake on time. I meet Kavrimi and patrol goes smoothly. Another nice day. A cool breeze carries the smell of pines, the chatter of people going through their routine acting as white noise. Walking around the city fills me with daydreams of days off with Rebecca, going to the bakery, The Market. Kavrimi and I talk about places to live. There are places for rent, for sale. It’s all a bit daunting for someone who's always been provided a place to live. A barracks isn’t the best, but it’s still a roof and a bed. Rebecca deserves better than that though. I need to look for places. I’ll ask some of the folks I met on the Caravan, they’ll be in the same boat as me, right? I hope I won’t be bothering them, they are all probably busier than me, they had stuff to move into places and businesses to set up. They probably don’t want me pestering them right now. I can wait.
The rest of the day flew by. There was no activity on our route at all. Probably we should change it up. Looking at a city map in the barracks, I draw out in my mind where we went today. It was a different path to the one the day before, but it could be that there are lookouts in the market. Should we establish some sort of plainclothes patrol?
Trying to stay awake, I mapped out a few different routes that could be rotated through so that criminals won’t be able to tell where a guard may be at any given time. Kavrimi comes out from her sleeping quarters to see me still working.
“Stenson, it’s your first week, you don’t have to pull an all-nighter.”
“Yeah, I just.. Couldn’t sleep.”
“Look Stenson. We can’t help other people if we’re dead tired on the job. That’s how more people die.”
Looking at Kavrimi’s face told me that she spoke from experience. I nodded, and went to bed. Back home. Coming in from work. Rebecca at the stove. We have dinner together and fall asleep in each others’ arms. I opened my eyes and two of them are there. In a void of light they float in front of me.
You did your best.
They fade into the light, leaving me alone. He was not there.
Never…
Turning around, I am back in the moonlit forest. He is there. Arrows still pin-cushioning his body, eyes devoid of hope.
Never Forgive…
The words are a shot to the heart.
“I won’t forgive ever myself either”
He shakes his head
Never Forgive… If Die
The nightmare wraps its one good arm around my shoulder, before fading away. Tears stream down my face as the moonlit forest fades away.
“I will never forget you all, I hope you know that.” My eyes are wet upon waking. The sun is yet to rise. I put on my armor. I have more people that I need to protect now.
It’s time to go Son of Stone. Let’s go see your friends.
“My friends? They won’t want to see me. I failed them.”
They told me to find you, Son of Stone, they won’t leave you. Even if you’ll leave THEM! Eyes burst open. The frame of the cot squeaks with the shift of weight. Stale air, the smell of sweat. The Town Guard barracks. Right, I moved across the continent. Did I do the right thing? I can’t keep running from this. What will Rebecca say? She won’t love a coward. And that’s what I am. A Coward.
“-son? Stenson!” Kavrimi Emberdream’s voice breaks through the fog I had trapped myself in. She’s up and ready to go? I better get to it. Oh shoot, she’s still saying things.
“Are you listening?” Kavrimi’s face looks like how you’d look at a dog who took three calls of their name for them to come. There’s certainly worry there, but it’s buried under the annoyance of having to repeat yourself.
“No Kavrimi, I’m sorry. Was in a bit of a haze. Bad Dream.”
“Just get suited up, it’s almost dawn.”
“Yes ma’am.” Clothes. Padding. Chain. Helmet. Boots. It’s instinct at this point.
The morning is busy, lots of people about, which means lots of pickpockets. The spring sun is warm but doesn’t make the armor hot. A nice day. Small lunch of cheese and bread. Afternoon is less busy. As the sun starts setting, we make our way back to Eastgate. Get out of armor. Go out for a small dinner. Warm and filling, it’s all a man needs. Have a drink with the other guards, walk back to barracks. A mild Spring night. The echo of pedestrians, the smell of home-cooked meals, the amber light of torches. Cities have their own beauty to them. I can’t wait to show Rebecca. The Barracks is quiet. Night-shift must have left already. A long yawn. Prep for bed. Read. Talk to folks around the Barracks. Lie awake. Sleep comes to me. He’s reaching to me. I can’t even help Him up. I can’t carry Him. My left hand grows warm as my right arm begins to bleed again. A voice approaches the cell. He’s still reaching out, unable to move anything else. The words choke in my throat. “I’m sorry” I’m awake on time. I meet Kavrimi and patrol goes smoothly. Another nice day. A cool breeze carries the smell of pines, the chatter of people going through their routine acting as white noise. Walking around the city fills me with daydreams of days off with Rebecca, going to the bakery, The Market. Kavrimi and I talk about places to live. There are places for rent, for sale. It’s all a bit daunting for someone who's always been provided a place to live. A barracks isn’t the best, but it’s still a roof and a bed. Rebecca deserves better than that though. I need to look for places. I’ll ask some of the folks I met on the Caravan, they’ll be in the same boat as me, right? I hope I won’t be bothering them, they are all probably busier than me, they had stuff to move into places and businesses to set up. They probably don’t want me pestering them right now. I can wait.
The rest of the day flew by. There was no activity on our route at all. Probably we should change it up. Looking at a city map in the barracks, I draw out in my mind where we went today. It was a different path to the one the day before, but it could be that there are lookouts in the market. Should we establish some sort of plainclothes patrol?
Trying to stay awake, I mapped out a few different routes that could be rotated through so that criminals won’t be able to tell where a guard may be at any given time. Kavrimi comes out from her sleeping quarters to see me still working.
“Stenson, it’s your first week, you don’t have to pull an all-nighter.”
“Yeah, I just.. Couldn’t sleep.”
“Look Stenson. We can’t help other people if we’re dead tired on the job. That’s how more people die.”
Looking at Kavrimi’s face told me that she spoke from experience. I nodded, and went to bed. Back home. Coming in from work. Rebecca at the stove. We have dinner together and fall asleep in each others’ arms. I opened my eyes and two of them are there. In a void of light they float in front of me.
You did your best.
They fade into the light, leaving me alone. He was not there.
Never…
Turning around, I am back in the moonlit forest. He is there. Arrows still pin-cushioning his body, eyes devoid of hope.
Never Forgive…
The words are a shot to the heart.
“I won’t forgive ever myself either”
He shakes his head
Never Forgive… If Die
The nightmare wraps its one good arm around my shoulder, before fading away. Tears stream down my face as the moonlit forest fades away.
“I will never forget you all, I hope you know that.” My eyes are wet upon waking. The sun is yet to rise. I put on my armor. I have more people that I need to protect now.
(Clarify) I feel like the voice is a little confusing. I like getting internal thoughts, but I feel like you could separate the internal thoughts and action better. Is there a reason for short and concrete sentences? I feel like it’s unclear if you intend to do this as a style. (Values) I like the perspective you are taking in this. It is interesting to get the internal thoughts, and struggles of a character. When you do it, I feel like you describe images in a very clear, and interesting way. I think the ending scene is effective in conveying the emotion. (Concerns) I feel like you could have described the world more, and engaged the reader more with the world. The internal thoughts are interesting, but I would love to feel how the character interacts with the world more. I feel like the dialogue although fairly realistic could have been more interesting. The dynamic between him, and Kavrimi seems rather weak from the dialogue. (Suggestions) One suggestion would be, describe the senses more in the middle part. What does the bread smell like at the bakery? Does the soreness of the character’s legs while on guard remind him of his dream? I feel like the short thought process is interesting, but it feels more like he is summarizing his day, then experiencing it. If you want to bring the ending back to the beginning as a cycle, I would prefer to have a similar action happen. Maybe the tears at the end could call back to the tears in the beginning.