Virdan Zandril

A drow mother from Xhorhas and a Dwendalian military vet for a father. What could go wrong for young Virdan when war breaks out between the Empire and Kryn Dynasty? Forced into hiding by the threat of prison or assassination, Virdan and three of his siblings sought refuge in the forests outside Rexxentrum while his parents divert the assassin's attention away. His older sister deployed somewhere on the boarder just before the war broke out, leaving only a promise to return in Virdan's most desperate hour. Have years of training in druidic magic with his mother Chandara prepared Virdan for survival in the wilds? Can he fend for himself and his siblings?

Physical Description

General Physical Condition

Slim and of average height, nothing remarkable.

Mental characteristics

Personal history

Captain Atrix Zandril: warrior, knight, adventurer. His service to the Dwendalian empire is unmatched for a soldier of his rank. He is a beacon of the human race's ability, a jewel in the pommel of the Emperor's sword. Stories are told of his adventures on the edge of Xhorhas. His discovery of rare ores on the boarder of Xhorhas and establishment of mining towns near the Ashkeeper Peaks are just a taste of his use to the Emperor. But no one knows the story of how he found his wife. Atrix was wounded terribly by a fall and lost on the Brokenveil Bluffs. He hid himself on the Bluff, deep beneath a spear of rock that shot up from the broken landscape and lost consciousness. Atrix awoke with a start, reached for his blade, but found no hilt. His clothing was off, only a small loincloth protecting him from the elements. He was in a sort of dwelling. Rock walls and the low light of a fire. A drow druid was hiding in the shadows, flames licking light at her face. A bloody rag was held in one hand and a large staff was held in the other. Chandara had found Atrix babbling madly in his hiding place on the Broken Bluff. Dying of thirst, blood loss, and hunger. Chandara recognized the emblem of the Dwendalian Empire. Chandara was trained in healing, and from her herbalist bag produced the necessary equipment to help staunch the bleeding. Atrix had fainted from the pain. His body was getting hot as a fever ripped through his being, and she carried him to her home in Xhorhas. Chandara saved Atrix's life, and the time they spent together in her home evolved into love. Atrix brought his new love to Rexxentrum and retired from his days of adventure in luxury. Chandara, ever the healer, takes patients from all over Rexxentrum. Atrix and Chandara had 5 children. Shendra, their first borne, took after her father. Strong, dutiful and adventurous. Nothing could quell her spirit. It was after her 14th fight in the street that Atrix knew she was meant to train as a Knight of the Dwendalian Empire. Their second child, Talia (Goes by Tali), had a incredible talent with numbers. They serve as their mothers aid. Accepting payments, making appointments, and planning their family's financial future. The third child, Virdan, developed a love for nature. His connection to animals reminded Chandara of her connection to healing. Both connections were formed from nature. Chandara took a vested interest in her son's development, training him and teaching him stories of Gods, creatures, and nature from her home country. Her stories of Sehanine interested him most, as he saw in those stories his parents and their unlikely love. Despite the legality, Virdan would study Sehanine slowly becoming something of an acolyte. Virdan would be gifted 2 more siblings. Kayrin, 4 years his younger; a girl with an uncanny ability to read people, and Rholis, 7 years younger, a boy who's life goal, for now, is to slay monsters. Atrix (M), age 57 Veteran Adventurer and Captain in the Dwendalian military, fighting spirit, calculating Chandara (M), age 258, Dark Elf, Xhorhas born. Healer. Loving Shendra (F), age 22 Knight in the Dwendalian military, fighting spirit, masculine. Talia (Non-Binary), age 19 Assistant to Chandara, calculating, cold Virdan (M), age 17 PC. Druid, nature loving. Nurturing. Kayrin (F), age 13, Calculating, manipulative, people smart Rholis (M), age 9, Wooden Sword, pommel horse, “jousts” with his friends. Like his eldest sister.(edited) [2:11 AM] When Virdan was 15, he was exploring the woods outside of Rexxentrum. His father had forbidden him from traveling into the woods after discovering Virdan would sneak out there at night. Chandara though, would always find ways to let Virdan sneak off at night. Some magical, some practical. This particular night though, Virdan heard what sounded like tiny, little screams coming from a pond under a waterfall. He ran to the sight and saw a toad with two legs sticking out from its mouth. Virdan took his walking stick and gave the toad a stern pat on the head. Out of the toads mouth popped Trill, a sprite. Virdan was amazed by the creature, and began asking Trill question after question about spirtes, their life, and their abilities. Trill, who had never seen a drow before, was equally as in awe about Virdan. The two began meeting at night to swap stories about life in their homes. The war broke out in Virdan's 17th year. Virdan knew trouble was brewing when Shendra announced she was to be deployed east. But she promised Virdan that should he need her, she would be there before leaving for the front. She promised she'd be there, but when Virdan's world collapsed a few short months later, she was no where to be found. The empire had tolerated Atrix's unorthodox marriage for years, but the war with the Kryn Dynasty evaporated that tolerance. Awoken by shouting, Virdan rushed downstairs to find his father, sword drawn, holding back the door. Chandara grabbed her son and rushed him down into the basement, pushing him towards one of his mother's secret exits to the woods.“Go. I'll be right behind you” she promised. Virdan burst into the woods to find his sisters and brother. They seemed lost, but Virdan knew these woods better than anyone. He helped them hide near the pond he had met Trill, in a small cave beneath the falls. They hid for what felt like hours before their mother and father arrived. Atrix was bleeding from a wound on his stomach, and Chandara was bleeding from a cut on the head. Virdan wanted to help heal his father, but Chandara refused. She explained that an assassin, a former brother in arms of Atrix, had been sent to arrest the family and kill Chandara. They had to keep moving, but worse, they had to split up. Surely the assassin could follow the tracks of two bleeding lovers dragging each other through the forest. “Keep them safe, my sparrow” Chandara told Virdan before hoisting Atrix on her shoulders as she had all those years ago and carrying him to safety. Virdan and his siblings huddle up under the falls, deep in the cave, and kept silent. Footsteps, quiet and lithe, could barely be heard rustling in the leaves by the pond. The assassin, Virdan's father's former ally, had followed his parent's trail to this location. He stopped by the river, listening and looking for any sign that the two lovers had crossed. He began walking towards the falls. Suddenly, from somewhere in the woods on the otherside of the pond, came a muffled scream and the sound of rustling leaves. The assassin bounded across the water, jumping rock to rock making barely a sound, chasing after the noise. Trill appeared suddenly in front of Virdan's face. She smiled and whispered “Now we're even”.

Gender Identity

(He/Him)

Education

Druidic education from his mother, and a bit of combat training from his father (though not the best at physical combat). Attended school in Rexxentrum with children of other military leaders etc. Recieved training from the Shepherd which completed his entry into the circle of the shepherd.

Employment

Worked for a short time at a nearby shop though he only worked there to have some of his own pocket money. Otherwise he was training with his mother or attending school.

Mental Trauma

Very recent issues regarding the attack on his family and a bit of survivor's guilt. Feels like he should have done more to protect his mother and father.

Intellectual Characteristics

Mindful of others, constantly watching out for others in need. Not a great speaker in social situations but is wiser than his years.

Morality & Philosophy

Nature based. Things kill and things die. Sometime's death is necessary for life to flurish again. You need to hunt to eat sometimes.
Despite that though, doesn't want to be a killer or anything. Very morally "good", but those morals will compromise to help his family and those he cares about (example: stealing from Charlotte).

Personality Characteristics

Motivation

Protecting those he loves and others mistreated or oppressed.

Savvies & Ineptitudes

Pretty socially inept. Finds it difficult to engage in conversation when he feels he has less to say/less power in the conversation. Has a ton of natural knowledge and knowhow, but doubts himself a bit on his abilities.

Social

Contacts & Relations

Trill (F)- Sprite saved by Virdan from a nasty toad. Trill is naturally curious, which is probably how she got in that toad in the first place ("I was just wondering how it's tongue worked when it SWALLOWED ME!"). Her and Virdan have known each other now for 2 years, since he saved her at the age of 15. They share stories about their worlds and Virdan uses her to vent his frustrations about his younger siblings fighting, Tali's coldness, or the absence he feels after Shendra's deployment. Trill, ever curious, listens and is a bit envious of Virdan's "exciting" life. Virdan is envious of her freedom to do what she wishes, maybe unaware of what Trill has had to sacrifice to earn that freedom. Trill envies Virdan's complex regular life while Virdan envies Trill's simple explorative life. Trill may just want a home. Virdan wants an adventure. Both had been using each other to get what they want, but now they find themselves maybe with a bit too much of what they were envious about. (Trill and Virdan's siblings, Virdan and his sudden thrust into the wild unknown).

Family Ties

Atrix Zandril (M). Father, age 57 Veteran Adventurer and Captain in the Dwendalian military, fighting spirit, calculating. Scarred but optimistic. He loved Virdan, but realized Virdan's interests and natural skills aligned more with his mother's abilities. He tried to give Virdan space to learn, but was worried about the dangers of the outside world (dangers he had faced in his youth) and felt his son was ill equipped to deal with them. Chandara Ventros (Chand-Ay-Rah) (F), Mother age 258, Dark Elf, Xhorhas born. Healer. Loving. Taught Virdan all he knows about religion, the Gods, and Druidic arts. She is currently on the run from those who attacked her family with her husband. It was her choice to send Virdan and his siblings out on their own as her and Atrix lure the assassin's towards themselves. Shendra (F), Sister age 22 Knight in the Dwendalian military, fighting spirit, strong and tough. Defender of the family. Class would be Fighter. Is "one of the boys". She left to join the Dwendalian Army, hoping to achieve similar glory to her father. Her fate at this point is unknown. If people came for his family, it's possible she is in a lot of trouble. Tali (Non-Binary), Sibling, age 19 Assistant to Chandara, calculating, cold. Excellent Mathmatician. Pretty quiet but not due to shyness. Their looks convey their mood very well. Short, cropped hair. Formal wear. Always well groomed. Tali has a sense of humor and does occassionally crack a smile, but otherwise it is all business for them. They feel their happiest when working on a particularly difficult equation. Good customer service skills, but blunt and to the point when speaking. Kayrin (Kay-rin) (F), age 13, manipulative, people smart Fights with Rholis a lot, but who could say if he or she starts the fights. Long hair. "I am a princess so do what I say" type. Can be sarcastic and mean spirited, but every attempt to be intimidating or nasty just ends up cute. She hates this and wants to be taken seriously, but as the youngest daughter, often finds herself not getting the respect she desires. They still treat her like a child even as she enters her teens. Rholis (Roll-iss) (M), age 9, Wooden Sword, pommel horse, “jousts” with his friends. Like his eldest sister, wants to grow up to fight in battle. Loves the idea of slaying monsters, but would probably cry and cower at the sight of a real one.

Religious Views

Nature, spirits, and gods. All dance around each other in a beautiful ballet that creates the world. It is important to respect all three, even the bad ones, as all are necessary and codependent.

Social Aptitude

Shy until provoked or asked about a topic he feels he has sufficiant knowledge of. Spends a lot of time whispering to Trill, who's personality, though opposite, helps pull him out of his shell.

Speech

Quick and nervous.

Nurturing, young druid being hunted by a Dwendalian assassin. Just wants his family back together.

View Character Profile

Alignment

Neutral Good

Age

Date of Birth

23rd of Fessuran, 818

Birthplace

Rexxentrum

Children

Current Residence

The Road

Gender

Male

Eyes

Blue

Hair

Black and White

Skin Tone/Pigmentation

Light Blue, almost a peach on cheeks.

Height

5' 9"

Quotes & Catchphrases

"My name is Jerris....Merris"

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Blue and White
14 of Sydenstar, 835

It’s been… a whirlwind. There isn’t enough pages in this journal for me to write about how much happened, or how it happened, or when. Everything blurs together. Faces, names, people, stories, emotions. Its… intense. And it’s crushing me. And… I learned something about myself I wish I hadn’t known. No matter where I go here, I am alone. I got my cloak tailored. They integrated my blue travelling cloak as a lining within my new, white, Den Kryn cloak. The inner blue lining has stitches that show all the damage that cloak took. It shows where the fabric tore away, where the dangers of the wild ripped and tore at me, where the dirt, grime, and sharp teeth of the deep woods bit against me, cut into me, molded me, folded me, strengthened me. The outside is a brilliant white. The emblem of Den Kryn in full view. Shining, blinding, radiant, impressive, and intimidating. And nothing could more easily symbolize the struggle I am facing now. The pulls and pushes I get from those I want to be friends with. The judgements and decisions made about who I am by people who watch me walk by. I want friends. I need friends. But out there, kids my age only see the white. They see that shining, radiant, intimidating white. They shut their eyes. They look away. They turn their backs. I am something so beyond them. So… above them. How could I, this beacon of power and honor EVER relate to their blue selves. To their struggles. To the way that the world has ripped at THEM. Torn at THEM. Bit at THEM. I am pure, and mighty, and high. They struggle. They work meaningless and tedious jobs just to make enough money to feed themselves and their own. They toil with fabrics and sit on top of ruined towers DREAMING of what it could be like to leave. Marveling at a singular moment of bright, brilliant sunlight before returning to their dark, blue, damaged lives. And how could this beacon relate to that? How could I relate to that? I can. But how can I show them that when I don’t have the chance? How can I open up to someone if they start the conversation turned away or with their eyes shut? How can I show them my hurt if I don’t have the chance to grow to trust them first? How can I, whose father was a JEWEL in King Dwendal’s sword, possibly even explain my life story to anyone my age here? And even if I had the chance, it would only alienate them MORE. Because I DO fucking deserve this, because I DID do something NO kid my age EVER will have the chance to do. And this brilliant white cloak that I wear outwardly, the first impression anyone receives of me, will seem to be a shell around me that’s even MORE impenetrable. How can I make friends with people who view me as that? As a shining beacon of power and radiance. And then there’s everyone here at the house. And now there’s more of them too. Adults who wear this brilliant white and don’t turn away, but look underneath. They see my hurt. They see my wounds. They see the creases and stitches in the blue of my cloak, and they judge me for it. They actively judge me for it and judge me a child, as someone hurt, as someone damaged, as someone who needs to be prodded and goaded and lead and pushed and molded. They stop me from hiding away, but push me away from doing what I want. They pull me out into the open only to tell me what it is I need to do. They ignore the radiant part of me. They ignore the fact that I AM someone powerful, who deserves respect, and deserves the right to make his own decisions because they ONLY see a damaged, breakable, malleable child. How can I make friends with people who view me as that? As someone who needs to be stitched together and molded by hands that are not my own. And so there are only 2 courses of action I can see ahead that make me feel… anything like I want to feel. I can move out. Live with my uncle. Take my mother’s name. Hang up this cloak. Go to school. Be a kid. Tell people the story of how my mother died and my uncle adopted me and I’ve been living with him ever since. Meet people my age. But then I need to give up everything here. I need to give up Charlie and Panlo and Thistle and Ael. Can I do that? I love them too much. Or I can leave Rosohna. I can find who here wants to head out and go on an adventure. I am sure Ael wants to sort things out with her false sister and I can tell Thistle misses the coast. Maybe we could visit Panlo and Charlie’s Circus, or… find the rest of my family. But I would need them there, and they wont listen to me. They won’t want to go out. They are happy here, and so with this choice I am forcing them to choose between happiness and me. I can’t be that selfish. And I sacrifice my chance at a regular, normal childhood. A regular, normal friendship. I cant believe I’m writing this, but the happiest days of my life were on the road between Nogvurot and Xhorhas. Where I felt… useful. Cared for. Necessary. Loved. Powerful. And I spent the whole time being a piece of shit. I spent the whole time letting it pass through my fingers. I spent the whole time not realizing I was going to lose that feeling. I spent the whole time...pushing back. And now I’m alone. A brilliant white with a damaged blue. Too bright and intimidating for anyone my age to approach, and too damaged and broken for anyone older to navigate. And that’s why I want to run away all the time. That's why I hide. I shine to bright and I hurt too deeply. And I'm alone.

Dear Virdan

Ok. * This is dumb.* I hope no one finds this... You did it. You're safe. You saved Tali, Kayrin, and Rholis. You saved Viertree. Your friends are safe. You're safe. You did it. Thank you, Virdan. Thank you for saving your family. Thank you for saving Viertree. Thank you for every step you took that lead you to where you are right now. Thank you for learning and continuing to learn about nature, friendship, and survival. Thank you for the last three weeks of struggling. It was hard but thank you for not giving up. Thank you for proving time and time again that you had the strength to make it. Thank you for protecting everyone the best you could. Thank you for not shutting down and seeing this through. Thank you for being cautious when you needed to. Thank you for getting stronger. Thank you for being you. *This is stupid.* Thank you for standing by your friends, and thank you for making a difference in their lives. Even if it's small. They care about you. They worry about you. That's it. Thank you for making new friends. Seb and Vera seem to like you. Keep it up. Don't be dumb. Be yourself. *Why am I writing this* I want you to keep working to get stronger. I want you not to give up on your friends. I want you to enjoy your life, your freedom, your safety. I want you to stop looking over your shoulder like everyone's out to get you. I want you to be stronger. I want you to open up. I want you to trust those who've fought alongside you to keep your family safe. I want you to be more selfish. I want you to be stronger. I want you to learn everything you can. I want you to cook. I want you to shoot bows. I want you to keep trying. I want you to be stronger. I want you to make more friends. I want you to start a garden. I want you to decorate your room. I want you to be stronger. I want you to go out there and have fun. I want you to be a better brother to Kayrin. I want you to talk to your uncle. I want you to find a home for your siblings. I want you to be stronger. I want you to keep fighting. I want you to learn more about the druidic arts. I want you to go on more adventures with your friends. I want you to be stronger. I want you to move on from Iyla. I want you to find out what happened to Shendra. I want you to find out where Mom and Dad are. I want you to save them, if you can. I want you to be stronger. I want you to be like Gael. I want you to be like Charlotte. I want you to be like Panlo. I want you to be like Ael. I want you to be like Thistle. I want you to be stronger. But most importantly: I want you to stay with this team. *I can't believe I feel like I have to do this.* You deserve this. You deserve the white cloak, the Kryn Family broach, the house, the family you've made, the money and rewards that are coming your way, the prestige, the honors, the attention, the praise, the help, the love, everything. You deserve it. You deserve to feel good about it. *Gods, this is ridiculous* No, stop, its not ridiculous. Shut up Virdan. You deserve to thank yourself. You deserve to want things for yourself. You deserve to care about yourself. You deserve all of this. You do.

Dear Thistle

I've written everyone a letter on this team. I told them why I am grateful for them and what I want to do more with them. Whether it's spend time, learn skills, or even learn to be more like them. It was hard. I was honest. But I didn't apologize for anything. I didn't backpedal or lie. I just said what I was thankful for, and what I want. And that was really really difficult. But I wanted to write something different for you. Something different at first, and then go into those things. I am jealous of you. Your strength, your honesty, your bluntness and ability to say what's on your mind. Your care for others. Your indomitable will and strength not only in the face of physical danger but emotional dangers as well. I really, really look up to you. You are my best friend, Thistle. And yeah, that friend list includes Trill. Everyone in this group constantly talks down to me. They talk over me. They don't ask me how I feel or why I want to do what I want. They stop me, they hold me back, they don't talk. They just say no. And that's a great tactic for raising a child who wants to touch the stovetop. Or a dog that is trying to piss on the floor inside the house. But I am a person with a brain. And yeah, its thick, but if I'm just told no, then I start looking for worse ways to do what I want. People often missinterperet what it is I want to do. When Quana caught me sneaking out, I wasn't trying to leave, or run away. I just wanted space for you/Trill and Zintris/demon person. I was overwhelmed and wanted to breathe but didn't want to worry anyone. Plus, I didn't believe anyone would let me just walk out. So I snuck out for a second. But when I got caught, and treated like a child, I went into defense mode. I said things I am not proud of. And things I don't really mean. But regardless, this isnt an excuse and this isn't an apology for last night. This is all to say that YOU don't do that to me. And you are the only one in this group who doesnt. And I didnt realize that until I spent a day with other people who treated me like you do. Seb and Vera together made me realize that, yeah, my opinions matter and my choices, even the ones that seem bad, can be asked about and understood with a caring word and simple question. I was thick. I was dumb, because I forced a narrative onto you that you were treating me like everyone else does. But the second I stepped back and met more people who treated me differently it was like getting slapped in the face and I realized: "Thistle treats me like this". And that felt FUCKING great. So thank you Thistle, for treating me like a kid but not like a child. For caring about why I do things and what my intentions are. For questioning me, but letting me come to my own conclusions. For really, truly caring about helping me grow up instead of telling me to shut up or telling me just to listen. Thank you for valuing me past that. There's so much more to thank you for. Thank you for the bow. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for sharing things with me about yourself. Thank you for protecting my family and putting yourself in danger alongside me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I am worth it. Worth being here. Worth having your friendship. Worth being a part of this team. Worth myself. Now for what I want. I want to go out and buy something for myself, but I want you to come with me. I have a few ideas of what I might like. I want to stop hurting you, and I want to take the steps to start feeling better about myself. I want to give you and Trill time to explore what it is you have going on in a meaningful way. I want to spend time with you too though. I want to get better with my bow. I want to see the ocean with you. I want to go adventuring again with you. I want to fight alongside you more. I want to ask you for advice if I ever find someone to...be with. I want to hunt more. I want to understand each other more. I want to stay in this house with you. I want to stay on this team with you. I want to stay on this team BECAUSE of you. I want to be like a family. I wanted to tell you all this last night but I was tired, I was wet and cold, and I couldn't think past the realization that I'm the cause of all the good that's happened over the last 3 days. Thank you so much for making me realize that. And thank you for being you Thistle. Truly. I wouldn't be here without you. -Virdan

Dear Trill

What we talked about last night... it's been weighing on me. The things Thistle said, the things you said... So I'm taking a step to start working towards really and truly being better. My self-loathing has blinded me to everything I have to be thankful about and that isn't fair to anyone. All I do is apologize, but now it's my time to be thankful and selfish. Thank you for being my friend the last 2 years. Thank you for pushing me to explore. Thank you for giving me the confidence to do anything. When I feel you sat on my shoulder I feel like I can talk to people, make friends, be myself. Thank you for being with me all these years. Thank you for caring about me, even if I don't understand why. Thank you for being the reason I am here. But now I want to be selfish. I miss you, Trill. And I hate that, because I want you to go and hang out and spend time with whoever you want, and I hate that it makes me feel upset to see you and Thistle together when you both care so much for each other. And then I hate feeling that way, because I care about you both and am happy for the both of you, and then I do things to sabotage that for NO REASON and feel even WORSE. I'm not apologizing. I'm just.... letting you know where I am. It's so confusing. My two best friends are dating and I don't know how or when is good for me to be your friend and give you space. I've... erred on the side of giving you two space but that's only caused me to get angry and sad because it makes me miss you but also makes me jealous to see you every time I do. It's wrong, and terrible, but I want to work on it. I want to find that balance that makes all three of us happy. I want you to spend time with Thistle. I want you to spend time with me. I want you to spend time with everyone. I want you to have fun, but I want you to not only just fool around with Thistle too. I want you to talk, and have conversation and have fun outside of kissing and however and whatever else goes on. Thistle is honestly my favorite person here. I want you to know her even better than you know me. And I think she wants that too. I want you to know that I made new friends without needing you there. Seb and Vera from next door. I hung out with them and talked with their friends and I could hear your voice in my head but I was just being me. And that was scary but also really validating. And while it's scary to think I have slowly outgrown the need for you to be with me constantly because I miss you, I think I may be starting to. That is NOT me asking you to leave. I want you to stay with us. And I want to stay with this team too. This was hard to write. I never would have written it if I never met you Trill. Thank you -Virdan

Dear Gael

It's no secret that I have a problem talking about how I am feeling. It's made worse by the fact that every time I talk its an apology or a lie to cover up something stupid. I know you see me as a child. Not a kid. A child. And while I don't appreciate that, I know it will take me growing in maturity to get to the point where you stop viewing me that way. That will take time. And we have things to discuss about us, but that isn't what this is about. This is about showing my appreciation to everyone who's been there for me so far. Thank you, Gael. For helping me keep my family safe. Thank you for your calm mentality and deduction skills. Thank you for being a problem solver, and for viewing the world analytically and unbiasly. Thank you for keeping Thistle's secret safe until she was ready to show us. And thank you for needlessly putting yourself in harms way whenever danger rose up. I've been told to talk about what I want to. Not from you, but in regards to us. I almost hate to admit this, but I want to be more like you as I grow older. I want to be someone who can help. I want to be someone with answers and solutions. I want to be someone levelheaded enough to face problems in front of me with calm and ease. I want to be able to speak like you do. Easily, fluidly, directly. I want to grow up and mature. And even if I disagree with how you got to where you are, again, a conversation for another day, I know it will take me years of work to get to that point and... I want you to be there as I take those steps. I want to stay on this team with you. You are capable. Magic or no. Don't forget that, Gael. -Virdan P.S. I will never admit these feelings in person, and probably will never admit to them again in general. But it's the truth.

Dear Ael

I'm not good at this, but I'm trying to be more open and talk about things I am thankful for in myself and outside of myself instead of apologizing all the time. So this isn't an apology for being myself. I've been myself and can't change that. This is just a way for me to start moving towards being something better. Thank you, Ael. For always keeping us safe. We faced a lot together. The group and the two of us. Thank you for trusting us with your story. Thank you for helping me protect everyone I have left. Thank you for doing whatever it took to keep us safe. Thank you for being the strongest person here. I mean that. I know a lot of things are going on right now for you, but whatever is happening with Velina, the Bright Queen, and your sister, I have no doubt that you will figure it out and solve it the best way possible. Even if you find it by stumbling on the solution blindly or through clever planning. I trust you and know you will do the right thing for yourself and Velina. And thank you for being kind to Kayrin and Rholis. They mean the world to me, and you showing them card tricks and keeping them entertained while on the road meant a lot not just to me but to them as well. I am also trying to find out what it is I want. Not from you, but from myself and from the people I am close to. I want to continue to be there for each other as things get messy. I want to walk side-by-side into whatever is ahead of us with one of the strongest sorcerors I know. I want to introduce Velina to Rholis and take them out to do things around Rosohna with you. I want to talk sibling advice and help each other be better siblings. I want to gamble with you and play games. I want to learn more about you as a person seperate from the fighting and our adventures and your sister. I want to stay on this team with you. So thank you again for keeping me and mine safe. And thank you for sticking with us through all of this. -Virdan

Dear Charlie

I've realized recently I spend too much time apologizing and regretting and not enough time appreciating what I have found these last 3 weeks. Found in myself and found with all of you. So. This is my first step in tipping that balance. Should I tell you all to your faces? Probably. I'll get there one day. Charlie, ever since you helped us out on the road to Nogvurot; taking pity on our situation, walking with us, playing music for us, and generally being your wonderful self, I have slowly started seeing you more and more as family. Family is really important to me. I think I've made that clear. And you've become a part of that for me. You fit in the same place in my heart as Shendra and Tali. You are someone I can look up to, but who doesn't look down on me. An older cousin or maybe even an older sibling. Of everyone here you are always the one to approach me and ask for my opinion, my feelings, my reasonings. I really appreciate that. Deeply. Thank you for taking the chance on me. If you hadn't we wouldn't be here in Rosohna. And there's more than that too. Thank you for being the heart fo this group. We're all lost in a lot of ways, but having you with us has been absolutely refreshing. Not that you don't have anything going on. I can tell from your face yesterday that something is up, but your general attitude and personality is, I think, really important for a lot of us here. We all love and care about you, Charlie. I have been thinking about what I want a lot more. Not from you, but from myself and for myself. I want to learn how to play some sort of instrument. I don't know which, or how I could even learn, but it seems like such a nice release for emotion when I'm feeling really pent up or can't express how I feel. I want to start spending more time together. I want to be a part of your life and I want you to be a part of mine. I want to be there for you like you were there for me in Nogvurot, or in the wilds, or on our way to Rosohna. I want to stay on this team with you. You are a good storyteller, a great musician, and an even better friend. Thank you, Charlie. -Virdan

Dear Panlo

It was brought to my attention that I spend far too much time apologizing and not enough time feeling greatful for who I am and what I have. That changes now, and it starts with you. Thank you, Panlo, for being a friend. More than a friend really. An ally, a buddy, and a warm smiling face. Thank you for being there for me when I need someone to just unwind with. Whether it's getting lost in Grimgolir, throwing darts on the back of a huge turle, or practicing wildshapes together. My time with you is always spent happy, laughing, and rejoycing. You've never once said or done anything to cause me hurt, physical or otherwise and I really, really appreciate that. You have a natural nack to bounce me right back into shape after a dark day or an episode of self loathing. I want to keep hanging out, and playing darts, and learning all I can about your outlook on life. I envy your outlook on life a lot. I was also told to ask more for what I want. So... I want to get to know you more. I want to go see shows with you and get lost in Rosohna and find cool, new people and places. I want to learn about all the animals you had at the circus, and how they were trained and brought into acts. I want to spend more time with you in general. And now that we are resting, I am happy that we finally have the time to do that. I want to stay on this team with you. You are a good friend to me Panlo. Thank you. Virdan

Dust, Wind and Bones
10th of Sydenstar, 835

I knew I was right about underground stuff. We ran into these skeleton musicians that NEARLY KILLED ME but I guess we're friends with them now? Honestly I don't know. Charlie seemed to like them, and she's a good judge of character I think. So... whatever. The craziness that happened there... I thought we were in trouble. Really in trouble. And I gave it my all. I... couldn't match BOTH of their winds, but I was able to help Thistle and Gael and Panlo get up close without being pushed back. They're all... stronger than me. At fighting, I mean. But... without me I don't know if they would have been able to make it. And... that felt... Good. Really fucking good. Gael and I aren't...perfect. I still disagree with his way of life and how he got where he is, but I can't deny that we are able to work well together. He said he thinks my magic is useful and wishes he could do magic like me. And um... I don't get that. He's older and stronger. It's... annoying. I don't really add up to anything compared to him I guess prowess wise. He cheated to get it, yeah, but I'm still not... I have a lot of work to do. But... I finally have the place to do that work. We are in Xhorhas. We are safe. We are... I am... I broke down crying in the stables on the back of this turtle thing. Franklin and Bonnie seemed worried. Thank the gods they can't speak to the rest of the party. It was ugly. It was happiness, relief, fear, sadness, mourning, celebration, everything rolled up in one. Happiness and relief that my family is safe, fear of what's ahead of us, sadness and mourning for those I had to leave behind, for those I need to forget or accept the fact that they are gone. Either...really dead or just... I'll never see mom and dad again... or Shendra... But then... celebration. We are SAFE. I did it. We did it. Without everyone here; Charlie, Thistle, Gael, Panlo, Ael, Loc, Viertree, and even Tali, Kayrin, and Rholis we wouldnt have made it. Oh... and without Trill too, I suppose... I don't want to write about Trill. Honestly...haven't seen that much of her... I guess that's how everyone felt a few weeks ago.... But... besides that... for now... I can't feel anything but relief, and peace, and hopefullness. Like... every weight on my shoulder has been lifted (yes even Trill's, which is not a happy loss, BUT I'M NOT WRITING ABOUT IT). And Kayrin seems closer to everyone. Well... closer to Viertree specifically. That's really good for her. She was always distant from all of us. Seeing her have a good rolemodel she can look up to is reassuring. I hope....I hope Viertree cares for her too. I know things here in Xhorhas are different from home, and Kayrin needs a mom. Or an Aunt, or whatever. I... still don't know what happens next. and I think that's what I'm most scared about. Who else am I going to lose? I don't know if I'm needed here now. In cities, in politics, mixed up with Kryn Dynasty stuff. I don't... I'm going to miss the wilderness. I'm going to miss a lot of things... Everyone has someone else now. Kayrin and Vietree, Thistle and Trill, Rholis and Loc, Panlo and Charlie, Ael and Gael even get along really well too. I've got me. But I care for all of them... and I wanna... protect them. Even if it hurts to like... see everyone pairing off and finding fast friends or... more than that. I'M NOT GOING TO WRITE ABOUT IT. I'M NOT. NO NO NO NO NO. That's it.. That's all. All done. We're safe. Whatever happens next... happens next. Thats it. And I guess I'll still be writing here. To you. And... you'll never get to read this. But... I hope you know I'm writing to you. Thinking about you. ...

A Bow and its Arrow
7th Sydenstar, 835

So. Trill and Thistle happened. I'm not surprised. I felt it happening that first night. Heck, I WROTE about it the first night we took watch with Thistle. But I don't know if I was expecting it this early, or this quickly. I wasnt worried until Ael made me worry about it... Why didn't Trill stop by and say hello, at least. Why didn't she just... make sure I was ok like usual? I was doing good today. I want her to know that. I want her to see that. I've prepared myself for her leaving. I'm not afraid of it anymore. I just wish she'd give me the time to show her that... that I'm ready for her to leave me. That I'm ready for her to fly off and that I don't need help anymore. I... dont feel that way already. I don't...feel ready for her to leave just yet... that was a lie... But today was good. Panlo and I hung out and it was... nice. The girls found us a way through the mountains that's safe, and that's wonderful. I bought Thistle a gift, and I hope she likes it but I don't know what to get somebody. It's a dumb little thing but it reminded me of her and she deserved something for her birthday even if she thinks she doesnt, and she can wear it discreetly. Plus, she got me a bow, so I'll get her an arrow. I wrote to her. It read: "You gave me a bow, and I realized that in a lot of ways I am as directionless as an arrow. You push me to do better, and help me be a better person, and so when I think of my bow I think of you not only because you gave it to me, but because you help me, like an arrow, realize my potential, direction, and power. So, if your bow gift reminds me of you, I hope this reminds you of me. Thank you for being you Thistle. I'll keep doing my best to hit my targets. Happy Birthday, Virdan" It was stupid and sloppy and the metaphor was dumb, but I mean it. Thistle means a lot to me for helping me out like that. I'm... a lot more confident when around her. And thats why I'm really happy for her and Trill. Like... REALLY happy. And I think... I think I know nothing will change between me and Trill and me and Thistle. They'll still be my friends and Trill will still be there for me and so will Thistle, but they'll be there for each other too. It... scares me a bit that I may be losing my conscience to Thistle, and like, I'll miss the devil on my shoulder, but.... do I need that? Have I needed that? Can I ... do this on my own? I don't know. But we'll be in Xhorhas TOMORROW. We'll be safe... finally... tomorrow. And there will be more travel but... We will be safe. And...and I can finally relax. I hope... I hope we stay together after this. I hope we stick together. I want to say with Charlie and Ael and Panlo and Thistle. And I want to keep fighting along side them, and learning about myself alongside them, and... they just...they're all I have now. Mom and Dad...Iyla...Shendra... They're gone. I... I know they are... I only have this group... And I need to protect them.

Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ
7th of Sydenstar, 835

GIRLS NIGHT! Finally I'm recognized as something other than just a little girl that needs to be protected! If anything, I was totally in charge. I was the ONLY ONE who's ever had a girl's night before! We had fun, we talked, we did each others hair, and TRILL KISSED THISTLE?!?!? I mean, I know some girls like girls, thats not why I'm shocked or anything, but like, HOW DO THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER? Virdan's so protective of Trill like... to the point where I only met her when we ran away! He's known her for 3 YEARS and I only just met her last week and now she kissed THISTLE? That's CRAZY. It was nice though. To be around girls and just... pretend everything's ok for a second. To take a breath. To talk and be girls and play. I even thought about Shendra without crying.... Fuck... now I'm going to cry. I can't let Rholis see... I had trouble being around the other girls though at the baths. I... I'm still a kid and my... body shows that. Everyone else is so cute and womanly and.... adult. I dove into the water without taking off my make-up cause I didn't want to be seen as a kid anymore, and I couldn't even take my towel off. Uhg... GROW DANG IT! But we talked a lot, and it was nice! Charlotte talked about this girl she liked, and Thistle told us about how she had to leave home at 13. I had to leave home at 13 too, and Thistle's seems like she's doing really well! I mean, she was hiding her ears and tail which I think is dumb cause like... my brother turns into a spider sometimes (Yuck), but other than that and being a little scared she's very brave and strong, and maybe I can be like that too! I'm.. pretty sickly... but (guess what) I DID MAGIC TONIGHT! I MADE LIGHTS! Veirtree is... interesting. She acts like she's my mother but not the way my mom ever did. My mom... she payed a lot of attention to Virdan and my dad payed a lot of attention to Shendra and Rholis (his two little fighters), so I never really had like...that. And I don't know if I liked it? Like. I am 13. If I wanna say FUCK I will say FUCK. and If I want to say SHIT, I will say SHIT. I just... dont like saying those things usually. But like, it was fun to say them with Thistle cause when Thistle says FUCK it sounds funny and different. I don't.. need another mom. I need MY mom. Fuck...now I really am going to cry. I can't let Tali hear. Also, everyone told me to be nice to Rholis. But like... ugh. maybe I'll try. He's gross, and we fight all the time, but he's my brother and I do care about him... And Also, everyone seems to care about Virdan though. I just wish they were better at telling him about that. I almost told Thistle everything Virdan's told me about stuff, but she's hanging out with Trill and I don't want to interrupt that in case they are... kissing again... *which I find kinda exciting for themandmaybeonedayI'llfindsomeonetokiss!* And also also, I got carried away and told everyone about Iyla. That's not cool of me, but I think a lot of Virdan's sadness comes from maybe never seeing her again. Maybe. And I think if they know that then they can help him. Maybe. I don't know. Either way, it was a fun day! I got to know everyone better and I feel more like I matter. Less like I'm just along for the ride and more like... a part of this group. And even if I got sad about things, or felt out of the loop sometimes, or didnt understand anything about the Lacsidan or whatever, I still got to 1) Be invisible, 2)Run a Girls night, 3) Hang out with some really cool girls, 4)Watch a romance unfold, 5)Say FUCK when I wanted, 6) talk a bit about myself, and 7) Learn that even when we get to Xhorhas all the girls want to hang out with me again. And that's the nicest thing to happen to me since... well... ever. I know Virdan is leaving behind Mom and Iyla. I know Tali is leaving behind their career and ambitions. Rholis is losing all his friends, but honestly... I've only gained things since leaving. I feel like I have real friends now, not fake ones. I feel like I'm learning things now, not just hanging around, and even if Vietree is being weird, I feel like I have a mom and sisters now. And... that's really exciting. And I'm genuinely happy. Even if some scary guy is trying to kill us. I hope Virdan feels this way sometime too.

Flights of Fancy
6th of Sydenstar, 835

I don't think I'll drink again. It was boring and gross and sad and no one wanted to talk to me about anything aside from not being ready to drink and that was mean and belittiling and I don't wanna participate in things anymore I only really drank coasue Gael was going to and he keeps stepping in wth my frends and Iwant them to be my frinds and talk wit me and be my friends too sdo I have to particpiate in ways like this to stay in their sites so that they dont forget abgout hte little kid who's following them around and trade up to the full grown full dark elf with the magic book and all the answers an d who can actualy be a produtive membr of the team adn they all really like eachother more than any of them like me and its just abig trade up form sad stupid kid to adult with all the ansers and thistle wanted ot put me to bed like achild and she sat with me and only mym oms ever don that when I was sicck and I wasnt sick I was jujt woozy and I still am and I didnt do anything wrong but I got put to bed like a child and thye are all still going to have fun without me and im just in bed pretending to be alseep and writing this down so that they dont worry thistle stayed for hours and it was hard ot pretend to be asleep adn wiat for her to leave so Icould just get my thoughts out in a plac eI feel safe too which is here alone in my mind casue im just a kid wiht kid problme snad everyone elses life is os complicated and sad and imine's just boring and sad and no oone wants to heare bout htat everyone wansts to hear bout themselves an dtheir secrets and their books and their life and im the only one who doesnt wanna know I miss shendra and I want her to tell me everythings going to work out and we'll meake it to xhorhas and we'll be happy and mom and dad are safe but shendra isnt here and gael knows where she is and I hate that becsauae shendra told me everything and was the onlty opeson wocared wabout what I was doing or thinking cause eveyrone else is too busy telling me waht they think is good for me like thistle being lik e"go to bed, im gonna force you" or trill being like "go out and have fun and break open the shell of protection yo u have around yourself" andn tali's teling me not ot break into suspicious rooms and ael is telling me to break into suspicious rooms, and charie, bless her tho, keeps telling me how to be and think adn the onlyo onew who doesn't tellm e waht to do is panlo bu tI think thats cause panlos just kinda oblivios. I donno what eany of this means. I hotae bening in a town thats undregorund I feel so trapped and there is no windows even if you look and im worreid the whol eplace is going to collapse aorund me and ill be stuck in the ground just like that assasin wanted me to be expeact now I'll be trapped unground in a bar with gross drinks and eveyrone telling me what to do and who to be and when to stpop. maybe it woudl be beteren if everting colapsed around me aloneand I was just stuck on my own to figure out evryintg thats going on and then jstb e stuck on my onw nad not have to deal thwiht any of this anymroe cause im underground mand my head is squished but a rock. they keep omakng me feel lie a child, when all i want ot do o si be thier frined and keep them safe. thatsa lal I walnt.

I Don't Cheat
5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

I don't even know how to start this one. How do I... Thistle's not just tabaxi. She's...she's different. And I don't care, but she does. Otherwise why would she hide her ears? I kept her safe. I did what I had to do to keep her secret silent. Gael knows. I know. I think Panlo just thinks we saw some cat-people. Bless him... But Gael knows. And, I mean, of COURSE he knows. But I saw him smile. He was ready to dig into her life. To talk with her about it. To spy, and investigate, and pry into her life without even have gained her trust. Or any of our trusts. I argued with him. And... It made me feel so much better. Not because he agreed with me, he didn't. But because I got this out of my head and out in the open. My issue isn't that he has a book with knowledge. It isn't that he's arrogant, maybe he deserves to be. Its ENTIRELY that he doesn't respect people's secrets. He doesn't understand that you don't... investigate friends. You spend time with them and earn the RIGHT to learn their secrets. He doesn't understand that, and I wanted him to. I don't doubt he's useful, or that he wants to help. I just think his way of... insisting for knowledge over the wants of others is wrong. You can learn people's secrets when they CHOOSE to share it with you. Not just when you want to. ______________________________________________________________________________ I spoke with Gael after everything. Thistle said I should apologize, and I did. And then it became fireside story time round 2. He told me about his sister, her death, his dreams, and... I think he wanted to draw a connection between the two of us, because he asked me for Shendra's name first. Maybe he did. A little bit. But, he turned it around in his Gael-ish way. He offered me information about Shendra. And... the fact that he did bothers me. I think I've made it clear. I do NOT want book help with this. I want to experience it. Learn it naturally, here. And I won't change my mind on that. I hope he understands why. And I hope Trill can learn to respect that. I don't cheat. _____________________________________________________________________________ Thistle gave me a bow. It's... mine. Which is... nice. I didn't think Thistle liked me much. And I don't deserve a present like this. But this is mine now. And it's beautiful, in a way. And now I want to give Thistle something but what? I don't know what she wants or needs or even cares about. It both warmed my heart after the day I had yesterday and also completely froze my mind because I don't deserve this and honestly don't know how to return the favor. But for now, Thistle's secret is safe. And that's what matters. _____________________________________________________________________________ And we finally made it to Grimgolir. I don't like it. You can't see the sky or the sun. Everything's stone and everyone's drinking. I just want to sleep and head out. I.. don't like cities. I don't like bars. And I don't want to be here for long.

A Scary Thought
5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Why do Charlie and Ael care so much about relationships. We're RUNNING from who-knows-what but no, let's "set a mood" for Thistle and Louise. Thistle and Louise didn't need any more coaxing... Let Thistle be. I'm sure she can figure out that sort of stuff on her own. Plus it's not like Louise is coming to Xhorhas with us. Why do all this if getting attached is the opposite of what will be helpful once we leave Grimgolir. Having fun is one thing, but losing someone you care about... And asking me about hitting on Charlie? Charlie is a wonderful person, sure, but she's about the same age as Shendra, one, and also I don't really understand girls. I don't understand about... It's not that I've never found a woman attractive before. I think. I have thoughts. Of course I do. Sometimes. But I don't know if those thoughts have anything to do with s...3...x. Maybe. I had that strange thought about Thistle a few days ago, but it wasn't about THISTLE it was about the structure of Thistle. The musculature, the cat-like movements, her shape. It was not...about her sexually. It was mostly... jealousy? I don't know what I mean by that... It's scary. I should talk to Tali...

And No One Asked
4th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

I suppose it's to be expected. I did spend my time trying to help a friend instead of whispering outside. I did waste my time messing up the ingredients. But I've never felt more like a child. At a crossroads, an important one, no one asked what I thought. When we had to make a HUGE decision about trusting a stranger, no one asked what I thought. When it came time to reveal ourselves to this stranger, no one asked what I thought. And now I'm stood in a stranger's home, my full face on display. A face I've been hiding from EVERYONE but this group of people since the attack. And just like that, here I am. Revealed. And NO ONE ASKED. The life of MY family at stake. No one asked. The safety of my secret is at stake. No one asked. The future of this group at stake. NO ONE ASKED. What am I supposed to make of THAT? Is it because I have, for the most part, been worthless to this group? Is it because I am not respected due to my age? My inexperience? My race? My insecurities? My faults? My weakness? My indecision? Did I bring this onto myself? Did I make them see me as someone just... not worth asking? And Gael taunts me. "We have something we need to discuss with you". Oh, DO YOU? Discussion. I hear discussion and I know what that means. You 'discuss' with children. You 'discuss' with people beneath you. You 'discuss' decisions you've ALREADY MADE with people who's decision you DON'T want. They didn't want to ASK me, they didn't want to TELL me beforehand, they just wanted to DISCUSS with me after. I don't know what's worse. That they didn't trust me enough to bring me in, or that the decision they came to is the one I WOULD HAVE MADE. I WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT and they will NEVER know because NO. ONE. ASKED.

The Shepherd's Crook vs. The Chosen's Book
3rd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

I think I have to rethink some things. Thistle and I talked a bit about my abilities. Not my wildshapes, but my abilities. Sometimes I forget I am inately...powerful... in other ways. She had mentioned that if we come across a group of animals that it would be my job to help us get past them. Turns out we did. And uh... I did a terrible job at it. I hardly know how to talk with people much less animals. There was a group of snakes that really didn't want to talk. I failed that and it nearly destroyed me. The one example Thistle could think of regarding my usefulness and I utterly failed. But then the group came together and tried to find a way around the snakes. And I knew I had the ability to help. And that felt good. It...still felt bad because I couldn't do MY thing... but it felt nice to be part of a team effort to solve a problem. And I have to thank Thistle for giving me the...balls...to even try. Thistle said something I disagreed with though. She said Gael got where he is through hard work and through years of study but... his book tells him everything. It knew us, it knew the items we found, he's connected to some being (kind of like I am in a way), but that being just....GIVES him the answers. That's cheating. And it really...pisses me off. Cause I TRY EVERY DAY to be better and I FAIL 90% of the time, but this guy is just.... I thought I liked him. I though he was calm and collected and confident. But I just can't get over the fact that I spend every day falling on my face and LEARNING from it when someone can just... have a book. I have a crook. The tool of a working man. The tool of someone who struggles in the sun. A tool of someone who's JOB it is to protect his flock every day. A book is a symbol of the elite. It is selfish. You read, you learn. It benefits no one but the reader. It's not a tool, it's a crutch. And then it goes back on its shelf. Locked away to collect dust until the reader is dead and the pages crumble away. And that's why I'm better than Gael. Because I try. I fail. I try again. I work myself to the bone to crawl out from the muck that has been my past and work for that. And I respect myself for that. Woah... that's new... I kind of owe Thistle that. She kept showing belief in me, even if she does that annoying "You can do it, Virdan" garbage before I fall on my face and embarrass myself. But this is how you get better right? The RIGHT way to get better? You fail and fall upwards until you're as strong as Thistle or talented as Charlie or nimble as Panlo or powerful as Ael. Hard work and failure. And friends at your back to lift you back up. And that night... I hit the target. I let the arrow fly and it hit the target. Here I come Xhorhas.

Loc
2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

It seems like everyone wanted to take watch with Gael. So there I was, staring down Loc. He's quiet and determined. His words meaured and not wasted. And...there was me. Virdan. Quiet but, in a different way. I thought we'd sit there the whole time just... staring at the fire. But of course Trill had other plans. I asked Loc to train me with fighting stuff. I felt so natural today as the wolf. No one could touch me. No one could hurt me. And I could finally defend the people I care about. I... want to feel that way in my own body. I want to feel natural with Virdan the same way Virdan feels natural as a wolf, or a squirrel, or a weasel. If I could learn to move myself correctly. Hold myself correctly. Then maybe I could make progress on everything else. On my training as a Druid, on my journey to Xhorhas, on my form with the bow, on my friendship with Trill. But Thistle got bored of me. I don't blame her. I showed no interest in the bow and...it's mostly because I can only think about Trill leaving me when I look at Thistle. She reminds me so much of Trill and I kinda hate that but at the same time Trill and I were friends so maybe there's hope that Thistle doesn't hate me. But enough about that. I have nothing better to do on these watches but learn to control my own form. My drow form. So I can move like the wild as myself and as animals. I just hate how hard it is to fail. But Loc is patient. And he doesn't sugarcoat my mistakes. He knows when I fail, how I failed, and what I need to do not to fail. No "you've got this Virdan" no "you can do it just keep trying". None of those statements that make me feel horrible to take the next shot with someone believing in me just to have me miss again and again and again. Instead it's "Watch your footing. Straighten your spine. Your form is off.". No expectation of improvement. No expectation that the next swing will be the perfect one. Just constant reinforcement of form and theory. Like how my mother trained me. I'm going to ask Thistle if she can train me again. Maybe. I really should. But I just hate bows.

Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected
2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

I spied on Thistle and Trill. I just... I needed to know if they were talking about me. They were. But what I heard shocked me. I was expecting to hear them bad mouthing me. Calling me lazy, or scared, or frightened, or weak, or useless all the things I think about myself but instead... They were just trying to find a way to cheer me up. They value me. I... Their ideas were soooooo horrendous though. I already suffer from crippling self doubt. I'd suck at charades apart from animal impressions (I bet I could nail most of those), and I don't know what "bearing it all" at a hot spring party in the mountains would do for my self image. I'm skinny and unfit. I bet Thistle's built. Like... six pack and muscles and feline... I shouldn't be thinking of that... But they both wanted to help. And that felt...really reassuring. Maybe I misread their intentions regarding each other and myself. The stress of the last week of my life is really...a lot...and I just don't... want to trust anyone... Maybe I should just...relax a little bit. Maybe I can TRY to just relax a little bit. Yeah... I can try. Maybe. ------------------------------------------------- I didn't trust Gael at first. Of course I didn't! A random stranger in the middle of nowhere with a drawing of us in his weird book? Who's Fern? Why is Fern interested in finding us of all people? I have so many questions, and it seems Ael did as well. But our questioning was cut short by a bandit attack. They had taken Thistle captive, as well as Viertree. Ael immediately jumped into action and honestly, I was ready to go too. I told Trill to help Thistle out. Thistle is powerful, and even though I knew my family was in danger, I knew having Thistle free would help them more than focusing on them. My theory turned out to be correct as Thistle proved useful in helping my family while I focused on the leader. She played a sour note on some pipes and scared Panlo, Gael, and Thistle but I... somehow braved through it. I don't know how but, with my family and friends in trouble, I was focused only on stopping her from hurting anyone. I like being a wolf. A lot. I felt powerful, fast, sharp of mind, focused. I feel like I can work together with everyone better. Sense things better. It was... intense and a little bit frightening. I almost killed her. If Rholis, Kayrin, or Tali had been hurt I don't think I would have been able to hold back... I... dont have a problem with killing. Maybe. Ael killed a bandit in the heat of the moment. I don't think I blame her. She was protecting Rholis and, like I said, I would have done the same if I could. That scares me though. I... haven't killed a person before. Animals, yeah. Ghost shadow things? I mean... I tried? But people? I... would have. I almost did. That's... scary. And new. And something I think I'll have to figure out. Maybe I should talk with Ael. It's... mean to say but she's killed before... Gael seems... simple. I mean, he has a weird relationship with a Fern...thing? She has a library or something? Sounds Fae-ish to me. Maybe Trill knows... I uh...kinda want to be like Gael when I get older. He's calm and collected. Pretty sure in his abilities, aware and respectful of his faults and weaknesses. I like that. I hope I get a chance to get to know him better. Maybe even learn to be like him a bit. After the fight everyone said I did a good job. I uh... I didn't like that. It was awkward and felt forced. Like... I know Trill and Thistle are trying to get me to feel better, but...I dunno I felt like maybe everyone was trying to hard? It felt nice coming from Gael, because there's no way that he could have been involved in that... ego stroking plan of Trill's and Thistle's. But eveyrone else? I dunno. I know I did a good job. I actually FELT like I did. But it was embarrassing to have everyone stand around me and compliment me. I uh... didn't like that. But at the same time... I felt useful for once. Really useful. And that's... confusing. Earlier today Kayrin pointed out that she felt everyone views her and I as children. I think I always felt that way too. Now though? I protected Ael, I defended my family, I took down a target that had scared even Thistle (although I think that fear was magical. Have to look into that...). And after hearing Trill and Thistle talk, even if I had snuck into that conversation, and hearing the way Gael talked about me... Maybe I do command more respect than just a child. Maybe I am more than just another mouth to feed or body to defend. Maybe I'm meant to be here, protecting these people, stopping bandits and making decisions. I feel 10 feet taller and 10 years older. And I think maybe...maybe everyone else sees that too. I really want to get to know Gael. It's dumb to say but I can't help but see parts of myself in him and vice versa. Good parts and bad parts. And... since I am growing up still... I think it would be nice to have some guidance from him. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I made these new friends. Even if they are unexpected. Even if we are, as Thistle put it "freaks and weirdos". I always felt like a freak and weirdo. Maybe I just found my pack.

...
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Forget it. I don't even know why I keep this journal. Not like I have anything interesting to write about...

Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

I tossed and turned all night. The Corpse Flowers did their work, I hope, but that doesn't mean I felt better immediately. Just the opposite. My stomach was lurching, my hands were clammy, and cold sweats kept breaking out on my forehead. When I did finally fall asleep, my mind was wracked with dreams that flowed one into the other like rivers and creeks. I was being held by the Shepherd, but when I looked up her face was my mothers. I heard a banging from behind her and tried to warn her, but all I could do was bleat like a sheep. My mother's face contorted in pain as she screamed. I felt her scream reverberate through me, shaking deep in my chest. Her head spun around her neck and turned towards me again to reveal Tali's face; screaming and in pain. The head kept turning, and each time it faced me I'd see a new face. Kayrin, Rholis, Trill. I was dropped to the floor as the figure of the Shepherd before me bowed over in pain and clawed at the dirt. Behind them the shadowy figure of the assassin that had burst into my home or the one that had attacked Veirtree and Loc plunged a knife over and over again into the Shepherd's back. The sick sound of splitting flesh always accompanied by a scream and a turn of the head. Now Charlie, next Panlo, then Ael. I tried to move forward but Death Dogs blocked my path. Their eyes red and the wounds we had inflicted on them bleed and smoldered. I reached for my crook or my Quarterstaff, but both were gone. I pulled my hood over my head, hoping if I couldn't hear or couldn't see that the torture would stop, but it didn't. I felt something wooden in my hand and looked. A bow. The Shepherd's figure reached towards me. Thistle's face now. The face was angry, not in pain. "Just DO something, Virdan!" Thistle's face shouted at me. I could see the shadowy figure raise it's arm. Its knife dripping blood mixed with an oozing dark shadow. I raised the bow as the Shepherd's head turned again, showing me my own face. I nocked an arrow and pulled back the bowstring. The shadow plunged the dagger downward as I let loose the arrow. The string snapped and my vision went black. I fell backwards and plunged into darkness. I hit the floor hard in an alley in Rexxentrum, lying on my side. Three boys I knew from my youth stood around me. Two hurled insults; vulgar words I had heard too often whispered towards my mother and me. The third kicked at my stomach. I rolled over, letting his blows fall against my back. Any moment now Shendra would arrive and send them running. She always did. She was always there to defend me. She promised she'd always be there, that when the time came when I needed her most she would find me. But as the kicks kept coming and the shadows grew longer I knew she wouldn't come. I had to do this on my own. My crook lay near me in the alley. I reached for it and the kicking stopped. I planted it into the ground and hoisted myself up slowly, my back to the three boys. When I turned, I could see the three of them were made of shadow. No light lingered in their eyes. The ground in the alleyway sprouted corpse flowers and dark stains spread across the dirt from the feet of the three boys. I swung wildly at the boys with the crook, but it passed through them as if they were made of smoke. The boy who had been kicking me grabbed my face. I could feel the shadowy smoke of his hand fill my lungs. My eyes rolled back in my head and my body shook. I woke up in my bedroll at camp. The fire had been put out and everyone was resting still. I reached over to gently ruffle Rholis's hair. It felt rough. He remained still. There wasn't a sound in the woods. I suddenly felt like something was wrong. Who was taking watch? Why was everything silent? I rolled Rholis over only to be met with a skull. A spider crawled from its eye socket. I got up and noticed a large dark bloodstain on the bedroll. I looked around frantically. Everyone's bedroll had the same dark mark. Everyone's body replaced with skeletal remains. A skeleton sat up in a tree and Trill, alive and unharmed, sat sobbing on a branch next to it. She flashed me the look she had when she discovered I had stolen her poison, this time her face wet with tears, and she flew off. I tried to call after her, but my voice caught in my throat. I tried to run towards her, but my legs tripped against each other. I fell and crashed into Tali's remains and their bony hands wrapped tightly around me. The skeletons sleeping around the camp roused themselves. Clothing hung loosely from their bones. Their hair attached to clumps of scalp. They approached me, surrounding me, reaching for me. And I knew that this had all been my fault. I slept and in my sleep something had happened to them. I screamed Healing Word over and over again but I couldn't save them. Everyone laid their bony hands on me and pushed me downwards. Tali's bones sunk into the earth below me and the cold dirt hit my skin like ice. I didn't stop. I tried every healing spell I knew. I cried out their names. I screamed for Shendra or Mom. Nothing worked. And soon I was alone. Buried. Cold. A piercing light split the darkness. A sword shone brightly in front of me. I grabbed it and was propelled upwards. I erupted from the earth in a field of corpse flowers. The shadowy assassin was hunched over, feeding on the Shepherd who lay dead in the flowers. I stabbed downward, putting all my strength into the point of the sword. The sword pierced into the assassin. They fell and rolled onto their back. Shendra's face looked up at me through the assassin's hood. Blood and shadow pooled from the wound I made through her body and stained the corpse flowers a deep red. Shendra's voice, mixed with a deep, masculine voice, issued forth. "I will always be there. When the time comes. I will find you." When I finally awoke I rolled Rholis over. He was fine, if not a little angry that I disturbed his sleep. Our watch was posted. The forest was alive with the sounds of bugs and nocternal creatures hiding in the trees. I clutched my crook closer to myself and rolled around, feeling a hard rock press against my flank somewhere below my bedroll. I reached to it, pulled it free, and threw it into the trees. I settled myself, and hoped I could fall asleep before being awoken to travel again.

Squirreling Away
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

We woke up to a surprise. Crownsguard marching on the road. We had only one course of action. LEAVE. I was shaking. Stumbling. Scared. My immediate reaction was to grab Rholis and Kayrin and throw them on Bonnie. I nearly casted Longstrider on Bonnie to get them out to safety, but before I could I noticed half of us were hidden in the trees. I grabbed Bonnie and pulled her towards the treeline and didn't realize I was right in the line of sight of the crownsguard. I froze, even as Bonnie and the kids ran right passed me into the tree line. What could I do to protect them if we were seen? What could I do to distract the crownsguard.? Could I fight them? Is there a spell I could cast? Before I could move, I was invisible. Viertree had saved me. I was greatful. Really, I was. But again I felt that guilt and humiliation like I felt the night before with the bow. I almost got us caught. But in a way it's good to know we all have each other's back. Maybe the mistakes I make can be covered by others, and the mistakes they make can be covered by me. Speaking of.... Tali was angry that I snuck up on the crownsguard disguised as a squirrel. They told me they couldn't stand losing someone else. Don't they realize that I snuck up because of the same fear? If those guards were after us, or were going to search the tracks we left behind in our haste we would lose everyone. I learned they didn't think our camp was anything to investigate. I am glad they didn't want to, but I had to make sure. If they were going to follow our tracks I needed to make sure I had the time to prepare and warn the others. Luckily I was safe. But I told Tali we can't be focused on what ifs but on whats happening now. What we're moving forward towards. Our present dangers, not our past ones. They accepted that. I think I filled in a blindspot of theirs. I hope I did. Tali and I decided we should learn everything we could about our crew that we could. I spoke to Panlo and they spoke to Ael. Panlo seems... just like Charlie. Cheery, happy to help, and wholly pure of heart. I think. It was a... bizarre conversation. Full of dragons and wildshapes and... I got a good read on him. Another one in the trust pile. Then Tali threw a wrench into everything. They announced that they believed we should share our stories together around the fire. I can't tell everyone my story. I can't. My family is in incredible danger, and if they know that we might attract the attention of even more forces: Crownsguard and Righteous Brand and others.... If they knew the dangers me and my siblings bring to them as well as the dangers Viertree and Loc bring... I'm afraid they'll leave us. One of them already has. I don't want others to leave. Levin left already and even though I don't know why... I don't blame him. This is a lot and..... I couldn't stand scaring Charlie away. The warmth and care she's shown Rholis and Kayrin, her attitude and outlook on the world, I just.... I don't want to lose that connection. It's my bandage over the wound of possibly having lost Shendra too. I need her to stay. But Ael....poor Ael... I know what it's like to have a secret you can't tell. I know the pain of revealing yourself to people you can't trust. I know the fear you can have of yourself and your story. She NEEDED not to talk about her past. She NEEDED not to let others in. And I can understand that. And while I can't trust Ael fully yet because of her silence on her own story and silence on her own motives, I knew I needed to help her squirrel away from the campfire story circle. And if that meant coming clean about myself, a story Tali or Rholis or Kayrin or Trill could easily share if I refuse...than thats a sacrifice I was willing to make. I don't trust Ael, but I know who she is now. She's like me. Scared of her past, worried about her future, unsure about the way others will respond. But that wasn't all I sacrificed tonight... I may have damaged my relationship with Trill even more than Thistle and her damned bow training ever could. I stole from her. I broke her trust to help Ael. I made her upset. The look she gave me is all I see when I close my eyes. It's all I see when I blink or turn around in the dark. I betrayed her, and when she needed that poison to protect herself she had none... At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Trill decided I wasn't worth it. If she decides I'm too much effort or that I'm too afraid or too selfish. I keep thinking about myself, and too busy thinking about what those like me need and want that I don't think about what we all need. What Trill needed. She needs a friend who respects her and can do everything she can do. Maybe she needs Thistle more than she needs me. Maybe she needs to avoid me so I stop hurting her and betraying her and embarrassing myself in front of her. At least I made her laugh though. I bet she enjoyed the image of me beating Ael with a quarterstaff. I could never beat Ael in a fight though. I'm too weak. I thought this was enough, but then the death hounds arrived. I thought that was bad. But then we fought the ghost. Or... rather... Thistle, Charlie, and Ael fought the ghost. I was... worthless. I had wasted spells on my stupid gambit to get Ael out of the story circle. I had wasted time trying to pick flowers to cure my own disease. I was starting to feel like dead weight, and Charlie really suffered because of it. I almost lost Charlie and I couldn't do anything about it. I need to do better. I need to be better. At least I was able to heal the desease. At least I was able to make enough medicine to heal Thistle and Loc. I made sure they drank first. They both do so much to protect and help our group. If there wasn't enough medicine for me afterwards... I would be willing to make that sacrifice. It may even help the group not have to support my weight... We found a sword and honestly, I hate that I found it. I wish someone else found it so I didnt have to awkwardly give it over to Thistle. I hated touching it. I don't deserve it at all. I didn't deserve to find a prize. I don't deserve a reward. Trill checked on me at night though. Just to see that I was healthy and feeling ok. I'm happy she checked on me. I know I'm losing her, but I'm glad she's not gone just yet. I needed her to check up on me and she did. I just hate thinking that I'll lose that soon.

Nocking the Arrow
30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

I can't believe my plan worked. Invisible Loc running extra fast, turning into a weasle and disguising Veirtree as myself, and escaping the city. Thistle seemed against my plan at first. Seems like she thought we could just walk out of the place. My initial impressions on Thistle have been mixed. On one hand, she seems to know how to handle herself. On the other, I can't help but feel that she's hiding something from me.... but Charlie and Panlo were able to convince everyone my plan would work, and remarkably it did. We picked up Franklin and Bonnie on our way out of Nogvurot. Both animals seem nice. Their original owner told us that Franklin can be ornery but him and I got along really well! Bonnie seemed a bit aggressive towards Thistle despite being the "good" one. I took that as another sign that I should keep an eye out on Thistle. Animals are pretty good judges of character. Levin still worries me as well. He's some sort of cleric, but (after getting a quick look in his bag as a weasle) I noticed he had 3 different holy symbols and a really pure looking feather. Is he hiding something about himself too? All of this has been really fast, and I don't really know what to think of everyone having only known them for half a day. I trust Charlie. Without her I don't know if I would even be here. I'd probably still be in the forest outside Rexxentrum, fighting to keep food in Karyin's and Rholis's stomachs. Her friend Panlo seems trustworthy as well. I don't know much about him, but seeing how Charlie trusts him gives me comfort. Veirtree and Loc have gone through the same thing me and my siblings have. I feel like we have that shared experience to bond us. I haven't gotten a read on Ael yet. There was something to do with her family name? I've heard it before but don't really know that much about her situation. She seems reserved, but also has gone out of her way a few times already to protect Kayrin and Rholis. She seems interested in protecting them, so.... I took first watch that night with Thistle and Trill on purpose. I don't know much about Thistle and her stubborness about the escape plan and inability to handle Bonnie had me worried. I'll admit, it is mean of me to think this way. I would hope no one would think these things about me. But I thought if I took watch with Thistle maybe I could get a better read. I think I did. Thistle spent the first part of our watch hunting with Trill. I can't help but feel a bit jealous. Trill is my friend but I never shared a hunt with her before. Trill thrives while hunting, and watching her and Thistle take down those two deer was...impressive to say the least. I haven't really seen that side of Trill before, and seeing Thistle so easily bring it out kind of scared me. I know Trill is one for action, and I don't have a problem with hunting for food or anything, but... I don't know. Maybe it was just jealousy. Trill is my best friend and I guess... I don't want to lose that. Thistle spent the next part of watch teaching me to shoot arrows. I... have little to no interest in the bow. I only went along 1) because I think it may be a useful skill to have while travelling to Xhorhas, and 2) I .... wanted to impress Trill. To show her I CAN go on hunts and participate in that part of her life too. That I wasn't useless and that Thistle wasn't the only one who could hunt with her. I failed that, though. I couldn't even hit a tree from 10 feet away if I tried... And now... I don't know... It seemed like Thistle really wanted to teach me. Like... I didn't feel any malice or get the impression she was trying to embarrass me. I think she really wanted to help. But as I shot more and more arrows into the dirt, every time I nocked the arrow and released it sideways, every time the bowstring cut at my wrist or snapped against my cheek... I ... I felt humiliated... And I know Thistle didn't mean to do that to me. I know it was my incompetence with the bow that embarrassed me but... She reminded me of Trill. A lot. Pushing me to try something I'm really not good at. Pushing me to expand my horizons outwards and pick up a new skill or try a new spell. Pushing me to grow as a person by experiencing new things, even if they're uncomfortable. Her and Trill are a lot alike and that's what I learned about her during our watch. And that just worried me more. About Trill and me losing touch with one another. About Thistle and Trill's budding friendship. I keep imagining Trill sitting on Thistle's shoulder. I keep imagining Thistle whispering to Trill's invisible form. I keep imagining my shoulder empty... my friend moving on... Trill was the only weight on my shoulder I wanted to stay there, but I worry that with all this extra weight there isn't room for her anymore... I don't want to nock an arrow and miss again. I don't want to love someone and lose them again. I don't want to protect someone and fail again. I don't want to carry someone and have them fly away again. I don't.... I want my parents back.. I want Shendra back. I want Trill on my shoulder and my mom's staff in my hand. I want my home back. I want my life back... But here I am... traveling to Xhorhas. I've nocked the arrow, I've pulled the bowstring, and now the arrow's started to fly. We're the arrow, and Xhorhas is the target, and.. right now... I don't know if I've missed. I should sleep. It's nearly daylight and my watch has ended. I'll just... curl up near Rholis and Kayrin. Through all of this...I hope we can find a place to be a family again. I hope this arrow hits its mark.

Nests and Webs
30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

Tali was determined that we stay together. Knowing that the law is hunting for a Teifling and a Drow means we honestly are safer together than we are seperate. We reached Nogvurot and entered the city. The guards didn't seem to even give us a passing glance. Maybe the guards aren't after us. I feel braver, but I am still on my guard. Anyone could be after us. Kayrin grumbled about feeling hungry. Turns out Goodberry only goes so far. Tali and Rholis wanted to eat something new too. Charlie gave us some options and Tali nearly jumped at the chance to try Marquesian food. We went to the Sweet Chili Pub and sat in the back. I kept my hood up, but no one seemed to care or pass me a glance. A group entered and one of them recognized Charie. Panlo was his name, and they... worked at the circus together? Mom was going to bring us to the Circus. We had tickets.... Dinner went without a hitch though. The group of new friends seem... well, to be fair they are weird. Ael exploded at the mention of the MythrilSpine. I think maybe she's hiding her heritage like I am. We went up to bed and my family seemed happy to have somewhere to sleep that wasn't a knotted tree or bed of leaves (although I almost prefered sleeping in the wild). Seeing them with full bellies of good food, talking with new friends, smiling... It was a lot to process. Things felt... ok. I didn't trust everyone at the table yet, but some of them: Charlie of course, Panlo, and Thistle are nice. Weird, but nice. Ael and Levin kind of scare me. I feel like there are secrets there and I don't know if I have all the answers. Also Ael was a bit weird about drow... I know there's a war but... I dunno. Maybe I just misread the intention. Since they all seemed nice after the.... well I'll get to that. Viertree and Loc, as I would learn they were named, were staying at the inn. They are the two Charlie and I were mistaken for on the road. I had to know what they were up to. Why were they being looked for by the Righteous Brand? I could hear Trill's voice in my head. I had to find out. And now I had the tools to do it. I turned myself into a spider and snuck beneath the door. I have to admit, that felt pretty cool. Turns out they are diplomats from the Kryn Dynasty. Why are the Righteous Brand looking for them? Just then, an assassin came into the door. He went to strike at the woman, Viertree, and I sprung on him and sunk my fangs in. How did I have the courage to do this? Where did this instinct come from? Is it me? The Spider? Or maybe it's seeing an unnarmed person being attacked. The assasin struck her down, but I was able to heal her quickly to keep her alive. Those new allies of mine showed up and together we drove away the assassin and saved Viertree's life. The assassin though. He wore the same clothes as the man who came after my family. Who are they? A few of these new allies seem to know who they are. Why are they coming after me? and why are they coming after Viertree and Loc? Why is the Empire attempting to take out people from Xhorhas? I was able to convince Tali that we should travel with Viertree, Loc, and the others to Xhorhas. Kayrin and Rholis will be safer there. And once they are there, I can come back and find Mom and Dad. I can't believe I stood up to Tali and convinced them to come along to Xhorhas with me. I can't believe I fought off an Assassin. I can't believe I saved someone's life. But... Here we are. And it felt... it felt good. I protected people, and I liked it. I think Shendra would be proud. We plan on heading east off road. If we can make it to Xhorhas, we will be safe. But I will come back to find mom and dad. I must. We head out soon. I think with this group we can make it.

Shepherd of the Lost
29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

Trill woke me up last night and lead me deep into the woods. I was worried. Where was she bringing me? Why was it so far away from the others? She told me I needed to get lost, to clear my head. I disagreed. My family needed me and here I was travelling around the forest. I found myself surrounded by little lights. Trill said they were whisps. They flew towards my wound but didn't hurt or feel like anything. My fears started to subside as the whisps floated through the air. They seemed so peaceful and I guess that peace leaked into me. But then I saw my hands. Well, my hooves I should say. Wool grew all over my body and I found myself on all fours. I tried to call for Trill, but only a bleet escaped my throat. And then she was there. The Shephard. She calmed me down and lifted me onto her shoulders. We travelled to a cottage beneith a mountain where she healed my wound. She told me I wasn't like them, her sheep. I told her I wanted to protect my family the same way she protected her flock. She smiled, and told me we had a lot of work to do. I found myself in my normal form with a Shepherd's crook in my hands. There she trained me for 7 days. I herded her sheep, tended to their wounds, and managed their feeding and sleeping schedule. I worked on the farm, building their shelters and cleaning after them. After a few days, the Shepherd began teaching me more magical means to protect her flock. I learned about the power of totems, guiding the spirits of animals to aid me and mine in times of need. And on that seventh night, I went to sleep next to the Shepherd and awoke in camp, as if the entire experience was a dream. I believed it was, until I saw the Shepherd's Crook laying in my bed roll next to me. I feel...more prepared. More...sure of my self and my ability to protect my family. And Charlie too. I know now that I have the strength to face what's ahead. And while the scars of my past are still there, etched clearly across my chest, they've strengthened me. With my crook in hand, and my mind set, I know I can protect myself and mine. I know I can.

Bandages and Wounds
29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

Not only did I end up hurt, but Charlie was put in danger because of me. How could I let that happen? I just froze out there.... Jerris Merris? Really? I really thought the Crown's Guard would just.. accept that? Why did I even get her mixed up in all of this anyway. I should have stayed in the woods... Trill says the danger is all part of the fun, but I don't see what's so exciting about getting stabbed with a shortsword... If anything good came out of today it was seeing Kayrin and Rholis smiling to Charlie's music and playing Name the Animals with me (even if Kayrin was being sarcastic and Trill was making up animals). Even Tali was enjoying themselves there. For a moment things felt...normal again. Maybe this is all worth that alone. I would take a thousand sword slashes to the chest if it meant feeling that feeling again and knowing my siblings are feeling it too. Maybe that's what it will take. A thousand wounds. Shendra could face it but... can I? I don't know... I miss you, Shendra. But know that we aren't alone. Charlie's got our back. I don't know why, and I don't know for how long, but I'm really glad we met her. She's about your age, maybe a little older. She isn't like you really, but having someone there around your age is... comforting. For a second I felt like you were with us again. Like you didn't go and enlist but...learned how to play music and sing instead. And turned pink. And could... turn green? So... like if you were a different person entirely who was named Charlotte...or Charlie... or Lottie? I don't know exactly what I mean here, but it made me happy and then made me sad at the same time, kind of like looking at a bandage. You're happy to be wrapped up in something, but you know underneath your skin is torn and bleeding. Charlotte made me feel like my heart was whole again, for a second, but then I remembered why it was broken in the first place and that broke it more... Maybe I'm glad things turned out the way they did though... still embarrassed and guilty about Charlie getting hurt, but glad all the same. I don't know...Maybe this is what Trill was talking about. Adventure and exploration means you have to get hurt a little to enjoy the good moments. Is this what dad felt before he met mom? He was hurt when he met her. And he always said she was worth it. Maybe....Maybe I found something similar. Maybe my wounds will heal under these bandages and when I take them off I'll realize there isn't a wound anymore. There will still be a scar... but maybe it won't hurt as much. Maybe...maybe I can heal.

Virdan Zandril

Virdan Zandril

Physical Description

General Physical Condition

Mental characteristics

Personal history

Gender Identity

Education

Employment

Mental Trauma

Intellectual Characteristics

Morality & Philosophy

Personality Characteristics

Motivation

Savvies & Ineptitudes

Social

Contacts & Relations

Family Ties

Religious Views

Social Aptitude

Speech

Blue and White 14 of Sydenstar, 835

Dear Virdan

Dear Thistle

Dear Trill

Dear Gael

Dear Ael

Dear Charlie

Dear Panlo

Dust, Wind and Bones 10th of Sydenstar, 835

A Bow and its Arrow 7th Sydenstar, 835

Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ 7th of Sydenstar, 835

Flights of Fancy 6th of Sydenstar, 835

I Don't Cheat 5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

A Scary Thought 5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

And No One Asked 4th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

The Shepherd's Crook vs. The Chosen's Book 3rd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Loc 2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected 2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

... 1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts 1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Squirreling Away 1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Nocking the Arrow 30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

Nests and Webs 30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

Shepherd of the Lost 29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

Bandages and Wounds 29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

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2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

...
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts
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1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.

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30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.

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