Blue and White
It’s been… a whirlwind. There isn’t enough pages in this journal for me to write about how much happened, or how it happened, or when. Everything blurs together. Faces, names, people, stories, emotions. Its… intense. And it’s crushing me. And…
I learned something about myself I wish I hadn’t known.
No matter where I go here, I am alone.
I got my cloak tailored. They integrated my blue travelling cloak as a lining within my new, white, Den Kryn cloak. The inner blue lining has stitches that show all the damage that cloak took. It shows where the fabric tore away, where the dangers of the wild ripped and tore at me, where the dirt, grime, and sharp teeth of the deep woods bit against me, cut into me, molded me, folded me, strengthened me.
The outside is a brilliant white. The emblem of Den Kryn in full view. Shining, blinding, radiant, impressive, and intimidating.
And nothing could more easily symbolize the struggle I am facing now. The pulls and pushes I get from those I want to be friends with. The judgements and decisions made about who I am by people who watch me walk by.
I want friends. I need friends. But out there, kids my age only see the white. They see that shining, radiant, intimidating white. They shut their eyes. They look away. They turn their backs. I am something so beyond them. So… above them. How could I, this beacon of power and honor EVER relate to their blue selves. To their struggles. To the way that the world has ripped at THEM. Torn at THEM. Bit at THEM. I am pure, and mighty, and high. They struggle. They work meaningless and tedious jobs just to make enough money to feed themselves and their own. They toil with fabrics and sit on top of ruined towers DREAMING of what it could be like to leave. Marveling at a singular moment of bright, brilliant sunlight before returning to their dark, blue, damaged lives. And how could this beacon relate to that? How could I relate to that?
I can. But how can I show them that when I don’t have the chance? How can I open up to someone if they start the conversation turned away or with their eyes shut? How can I show them my hurt if I don’t have the chance to grow to trust them first? How can I, whose father was a JEWEL in King Dwendal’s sword, possibly even explain my life story to anyone my age here? And even if I had the chance, it would only alienate them MORE. Because I DO fucking deserve this, because I DID do something NO kid my age EVER will have the chance to do. And this brilliant white cloak that I wear outwardly, the first impression anyone receives of me, will seem to be a shell around me that’s even MORE impenetrable. How can I make friends with people who view me as that? As a shining beacon of power and radiance.
And then there’s everyone here at the house. And now there’s more of them too. Adults who wear this brilliant white and don’t turn away, but look underneath. They see my hurt. They see my wounds. They see the creases and stitches in the blue of my cloak, and they judge me for it. They actively judge me for it and judge me a child, as someone hurt, as someone damaged, as someone who needs to be prodded and goaded and lead and pushed and molded. They stop me from hiding away, but push me away from doing what I want. They pull me out into the open only to tell me what it is I need to do. They ignore the radiant part of me. They ignore the fact that I AM someone powerful, who deserves respect, and deserves the right to make his own decisions because they ONLY see a damaged, breakable, malleable child. How can I make friends with people who view me as that? As someone who needs to be stitched together and molded by hands that are not my own.
And so there are only 2 courses of action I can see ahead that make me feel… anything like I want to feel.
I can move out. Live with my uncle. Take my mother’s name. Hang up this cloak. Go to school. Be a kid. Tell people the story of how my mother died and my uncle adopted me and I’ve been living with him ever since. Meet people my age. But then I need to give up everything here. I need to give up Charlie and Panlo and Thistle and Ael. Can I do that? I love them too much.
Or I can leave Rosohna. I can find who here wants to head out and go on an adventure. I am sure Ael wants to sort things out with her false sister and I can tell Thistle misses the coast. Maybe we could visit Panlo and Charlie’s Circus, or… find the rest of my family. But I would need them there, and they wont listen to me. They won’t want to go out. They are happy here, and so with this choice I am forcing them to choose between happiness and me. I can’t be that selfish. And I sacrifice my chance at a regular, normal childhood. A regular, normal friendship.
I cant believe I’m writing this, but the happiest days of my life were on the road between Nogvurot and Xhorhas. Where I felt… useful. Cared for. Necessary. Loved. Powerful.
And I spent the whole time being a piece of shit. I spent the whole time letting it pass through my fingers. I spent the whole time not realizing I was going to lose that feeling. I spent the whole time...pushing back.
And now I’m alone. A brilliant white with a damaged blue. Too bright and intimidating for anyone my age to approach, and too damaged and broken for anyone older to navigate.
And that’s why I want to run away all the time. That's why I hide. I shine to bright and I hurt too deeply.
And I'm alone.
Virdan's Journal Ordered oldest to newest
-
Bandages and Wounds
29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
-
Shepherd of the Lost
29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
-
Nests and Webs
30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
-
Nocking the Arrow
30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
-
Squirreling Away
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
-
Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
-
...
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
-
Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected
2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
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Loc
2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
-
The Shepherd's Crook vs. The Chosen's Book
3rd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
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And No One Asked
4th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
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A Scary Thought
5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
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I Don't Cheat
5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
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Flights of Fancy
6th of Sydenstar, 835
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Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ
7th of Sydenstar, 835
-
A Bow and its Arrow
7th Sydenstar, 835
-
Dust, Wind and Bones
10th of Sydenstar, 835
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Dear Panlo
14 Nov 2021 09:36:08
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Dear Charlie
14 Nov 2021 09:36:17
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Dear Ael
14 Nov 2021 09:36:26
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Dear Gael
14 Nov 2021 09:36:36
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Dear Trill
15 Nov 2021 02:40:06
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Dear Thistle
15 Nov 2021 02:40:15
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Dear Virdan
15 Nov 2021 10:58:07
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Blue and White
14 of Sydenstar, 835
29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
3rd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
4th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
6th of Sydenstar, 835
7th of Sydenstar, 835
7th Sydenstar, 835
10th of Sydenstar, 835
14 Nov 2021 09:36:08
14 Nov 2021 09:36:17
14 Nov 2021 09:36:26
14 Nov 2021 09:36:36
15 Nov 2021 02:40:06
15 Nov 2021 02:40:15
15 Nov 2021 10:58:07
14 of Sydenstar, 835
The major events and journals in Virdan's history, from the beginning to today.
Blue and White
It’s been… a whirlwind. There isn’t enough pages in this journal for me to write about how much happened, or how it happened, or when. Everything blurs together. Faces, names, people, stories, emotions. Its… intense. And it’s crushing me. A...
05:35 pm - 21.11.2021Dear Virdan
Ok. * This is dumb.* I hope no one finds this... You did it. Your safe. You saved Tali, Kayrin, and Rholis. You saved Viertree. Your friends are safe. You're safe. You did it. Thank you, Virdan. Thank you for saving your family. Thank y...
03:12 pm - 15.11.2021Dear Thistle
I've written everyone a letter on this team. I told them why I am grateful for them and what I want to do more with them. Whether it's spend time, learn skills, or even learn to be more like them. It was hard. I was honest. But I didn't apologize for...
09:36 pm - 14.11.2021Dear Trill
What we talked about last night... it's been weighing on me. The things Thistle said, the things you said... So I'm taking a step to start working towards really and truly being better. My self-loathing has blinded me to everything I have to be thank...
09:36 pm - 14.11.2021Dear Gael
It's no secret that I have a problem talking about how I am feeling. It's made worse by the fact that every time I talk its an apology or a lie to cover up something stupid. I know you see me as a child. Not a kid. A child. And while I don't appr...
09:36 pm - 14.11.2021Dear Ael
I'm not good at this, but I'm trying to be more open and talk about things I am thankful for in myself and outside of myself instead of apologizing all the time. So this isn't an apology for being myself. I've been myself and can't change that. This is...
09:36 pm - 14.11.2021Dear Charlie
I've realized recently I spend too much time apologizing and regretting and not enough time appreciating what I have found these last 3 weeks. Found in myself and found with all of you. So. This is my first step in tipping that balance. Should I tel...
09:36 pm - 14.11.2021Dear Panlo
It was brought to my attention that I spend far too much time apologizing and not enough time feeling greatful for who I am and what I have. That changes now, and it starts with you. Thank you, Panlo, for being a friend. More than a friend really....
09:36 pm - 14.11.2021Dust, Wind and Bones
I knew I was right about underground stuff. We ran into these skeleton musicians that NEARLY KILLED ME but I guess we're friends with them now? Honestly I don't know. Charlie seemed to like them, and she's a good judge of character I think. So... wh...
04:29 am - 13.11.2021A Bow and its Arrow
So. Trill and Thistle happened. I'm not surprised. I felt it happening that first night. Heck, I WROTE about it the first night we took watch with Thistle. But I don't know if I was expecting it this early, or this quickly. I wasnt worried until...
07:53 am - 12.11.2021Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ
GIRLS NIGHT! Finally I'm recognized as something other than just a little girl that needs to be protected! If anything, I was totally in charge. I was the ONLY ONE who's ever had a girl's night before! We had fun, we talked, we did each others hai...
07:03 am - 12.11.2021Flights of Fancy
I don't think I'll drink again. It was boring and gross and sad and no one wanted to talk to me about anything aside from not being ready to drink and that was mean and belittiling and I don't wanna participate in things anymore I only really drank coa...
12:42 am - 06.11.2021I Don't Cheat
I don't even know how to start this one. How do I... Thistle's not just tabaxi. She's...she's different. And I don't care, but she does. Otherwise why would she hide her ears? I kept her safe. I did what I had to do to keep her secret silen...
04:32 am - 23.10.2021A Scary Thought
Why do Charlie and Ael care so much about relationships. We're RUNNING from who-knows-what but no, let's "set a mood" for Thistle and Louise. Thistle and Louise didn't need any more coaxing... Let Thistle be. I'm sure she can figure out that sort of s...
12:49 am - 23.10.2021And No One Asked
I suppose it's to be expected. I did spend my time trying to help a friend instead of whispering outside. I did waste my time messing up the ingredients. But I've never felt more like a child. At a crossroads, an important one, no one asked what I th...
12:48 am - 16.10.2021The Shepherd's Crook vs. The Chosen's Book
I think I have to rethink some things. Thistle and I talked a bit about my abilities. Not my wildshapes, but my abilities. Sometimes I forget I am inately...powerful... in other ways. She had mentioned that if we come across a group of animals tha...
03:25 am - 09.10.2021Loc
It seems like everyone wanted to take watch with Gael. So there I was, staring down Loc. He's quiet and determined. His words meaured and not wasted. And...there was me. Virdan. Quiet but, in a different way. I thought we'd sit there the whole time j...
12:08 am - 09.10.2021Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected
I spied on Thistle and Trill. I just... I needed to know if they were talking about me. They were. But what I heard shocked me. I was expecting to hear them bad mouthing me. Calling me lazy, or scared, or frightened, or weak, or useless all the th...
04:07 am - 02.10.2021...
Forget it. I don't even know why I keep this journal. Not like I have anything interesting to write about......
11:22 pm - 01.10.2021Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts
I tossed and turned all night. The Corpse Flowers did their work, I hope, but that doesn't mean I felt better immediately. Just the opposite. My stomach was lurching, my hands were clammy, and cold sweats kept breaking out on my forehead. When I did f...
08:15 pm - 29.09.2021Squirreling Away
We woke up to a surprise. Crownsguard marching on the road. We had only one course of action. LEAVE. I was shaking. Stumbling. Scared. My immediate reaction was to grab Rholis and Kayrin and throw them on Bonnie. I nearly casted Longstrider on Bonn...
04:29 am - 25.09.2021Nocking the Arrow
I can't believe my plan worked. Invisible Loc running extra fast, turning into a weasle and disguising Veirtree as myself, and escaping the city. Thistle seemed against my plan at first. Seems like she thought we could just walk out of the place. ...
03:06 am - 18.09.2021Found an image of Rholis from a few months ago. He still carries around that wooden sword Dad carved for him. He loves that thing. He keeps saying he'll use it to slay a great beast. Too bad every time he sees even a spider he freaks out. Maybe when he gets older he'll be able to conquer his fear of bees.
06:07 am - 11.09.2021Nests and Webs
Tali was determined that we stay together. Knowing that the law is hunting for a Teifling and a Drow means we honestly are safer together than we are seperate. We reached Nogvurot and entered the city. The guards didn't seem to even give us a passing g...
06:00 am - 11.09.2021Dont flirt with my fairy!
04:15 am - 11.09.2021Left to Right: Kayrin, Tali, Shendra, and me right before Shendra left for the Eastern Border. Rholis must be out rolling in some dirt or shooting arrows with his friends. It was around this time that I noticed how big Kayrin was getting. I still see her as that little brat but she'd shot up in height those last few months. I just hope her maturity starts growing to match. I hated that suit and haircut. Dad said it's my job to represent him and our family in the best light, and would always have me cut my hair and dress up "properly" for family events and outings. Luckily mom pushed back and let me wear my robes everywhere else and let me grow my hair out. I felt so restricted dressed like a lordling. If you could read my mind in this image you would hear me saying "where did Shendra get that scarf and how can I get one for myself." I'm not sure where Tali got that coat. It looks like one of Dad's old things but I'm not sure. They used to wear that thing EVERYWHERE though. Said it made them feel "official". I never really understood what they meant until I started wearing my robes more often. I used to mock them about that coat but honestly, now, I get it. Sometimes it feels better to wear what you are want to wear. Too bad we had no time to pack before...yeah... One day maybe I'll get this back. I mean, not exactly this. I hate that suit still. But just having Shendra back. Or seeing Kayrin with that smile again. Or Tali wearing that coat and feeling at ease. But now they need me to protect them. And I will.
03:02 pm - 10.09.2021Shepherd of the Lost
Trill woke me up last night and lead me deep into the woods. I was worried. Where was she bringing me? Why was it so far away from the others? She told me I needed to get lost, to clear my head. I disagreed. My family needed me and here I was travel...
06:18 pm - 04.09.2021Bandages and Wounds
Not only did I end up hurt, but Charlie was put in danger because of me. How could I let that happen? I just froze out there.... Jerris Merris? Really? I really thought the Crown's Guard would just.. accept that? Why did I even get her mixed up in all...
01:43 am - 04.09.2021My name is Jerris............Merris
12:45 am - 04.09.2021Trill's home. I guess now it's mine too...
06:22 am - 28.08.2021The list of amazing people following the adventures of Virdan.
Social
Birthplace
Rexxentrum
Current Residence
The Road
Contacts & Relations
Trill (F)- Sprite saved by Virdan from a nasty toad. Trill is naturally curious, which is probably how she got in that toad in the first place ("I was just wondering how it's tongue worked when it SWALLOWED ME!"). Her and Virdan have known each other now for 2 years, since he saved her at the age of 15. They share stories about their worlds and Virdan uses her to vent his frustrations about his younger siblings fighting, Tali's coldness, or the absence he feels after Shendra's deployment. Trill, ever curious, listens and is a bit envious of Virdan's "exciting" life. Virdan is envious of her freedom to do what she wishes, maybe unaware of what Trill has had to sacrifice to earn that freedom.
Trill envies Virdan's complex regular life while Virdan envies Trill's simple explorative life. Trill may just want a home. Virdan wants an adventure. Both had been using each other to get what they want, but now they find themselves maybe with a bit too much of what they were envious about. (Trill and Virdan's siblings, Virdan and his sudden thrust into the wild unknown).
Family Ties
Atrix Zandril (M). Father, age 57 Veteran Adventurer and Captain in the Dwendalian military, fighting spirit, calculating. Scarred but optimistic. He loved Virdan, but realized Virdan's interests and natural skills aligned more with his mother's abilities. He tried to give Virdan space to learn, but was worried about the dangers of the outside world (dangers he had faced in his youth) and felt his son was ill equipped to deal with them.
Chandara Ventros (Chand-Ay-Rah) (F), Mother age 258, Dark Elf, Xhorhas born. Healer. Loving. Taught Virdan all he knows about religion, the Gods, and Druidic arts. She is currently on the run from those who attacked her family with her husband. It was her choice to send Virdan and his siblings out on their own as her and Atrix lure the assassin's towards themselves.
Shendra (F), Sister age 22 Knight in the Dwendalian military, fighting spirit, strong and tough. Defender of the family. Class would be Fighter. Is "one of the boys". She left to join the Dwendalian Army, hoping to achieve similar glory to her father. Her fate at this point is unknown. If people came for his family, it's possible she is in a lot of trouble.
Tali (Non-Binary), Sibling, age 19 Assistant to Chandara, calculating, cold. Excellent Mathmatician. Pretty quiet but not due to shyness. Their looks convey their mood very well. Short, cropped hair. Formal wear. Always well groomed. Tali has a sense of humor and does occassionally crack a smile, but otherwise it is all business for them. They feel their happiest when working on a particularly difficult equation. Good customer service skills, but blunt and to the point when speaking.
Kayrin (Kay-rin) (F), age 13, manipulative, people smart Fights with Rholis a lot, but who could say if he or she starts the fights. Long hair. "I am a princess so do what I say" type. Can be sarcastic and mean spirited, but every attempt to be intimidating or nasty just ends up cute. She hates this and wants to be taken seriously, but as the youngest daughter, often finds herself not getting the respect she desires. They still treat her like a child even as she enters her teens.
Rholis (Roll-iss) (M), age 9, Wooden Sword, pommel horse, “jousts” with his friends. Like his eldest sister, wants to grow up to fight in battle. Loves the idea of slaying monsters, but would probably cry and cower at the sight of a real one.
Religious Views
Nature, spirits, and gods. All dance around each other in a beautiful ballet that creates the world. It is important to respect all three, even the bad ones, as all are necessary and codependent.
Social Aptitude
Shy until provoked or asked about a topic he feels he has sufficiant knowledge of. Spends a lot of time whispering to Trill, who's personality, though opposite, helps pull him out of his shell.
Speech
Quick and nervous.