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Virdan Zandril

Neutral Good Half-Elf (Drow) (Acolyte)
Druid 3
17 / 17 HP
STR
9
DEX
11
CON
16
INT
14
WIS
18
CHA
9

Nurturing, young druid being hunted by a Dwendalian assassin. Just wants his family back together.


Campaign & Party

14 of Sydenstar, 835

Blue and White

by Virdan Zandril

It’s been… a whirlwind. There isn’t enough pages in this journal for me to write about how much happened, or how it happened, or when. Everything blurs together. Faces, names, people, stories, emotions. Its… intense. And it’s crushing me. And…
 
I learned something about myself I wish I hadn’t known.
 
No matter where I go here, I am alone.
 
I got my cloak tailored. They integrated my blue travelling cloak as a lining within my new, white, Den Kryn cloak. The inner blue lining has stitches that show all the damage that cloak took. It shows where the fabric tore away, where the dangers of the wild ripped and tore at me, where the dirt, grime, and sharp teeth of the deep woods bit against me, cut into me, molded me, folded me, strengthened me.
 
The outside is a brilliant white. The emblem of Den Kryn in full view. Shining, blinding, radiant, impressive, and intimidating.
 
And nothing could more easily symbolize the struggle I am facing now. The pulls and pushes I get from those I want to be friends with. The judgements and decisions made about who I am by people who watch me walk by.
 
I want friends. I need friends. But out there, kids my age only see the white. They see that shining, radiant, intimidating white. They shut their eyes. They look away. They turn their backs. I am something so beyond them. So… above them. How could I, this beacon of power and honor EVER relate to their blue selves. To their struggles. To the way that the world has ripped at THEM. Torn at THEM. Bit at THEM. I am pure, and mighty, and high. They struggle. They work meaningless and tedious jobs just to make enough money to feed themselves and their own. They toil with fabrics and sit on top of ruined towers DREAMING of what it could be like to leave. Marveling at a singular moment of bright, brilliant sunlight before returning to their dark, blue, damaged lives. And how could this beacon relate to that? How could I relate to that?
 
I can. But how can I show them that when I don’t have the chance? How can I open up to someone if they start the conversation turned away or with their eyes shut? How can I show them my hurt if I don’t have the chance to grow to trust them first? How can I, whose father was a JEWEL in King Dwendal’s sword, possibly even explain my life story to anyone my age here? And even if I had the chance, it would only alienate them MORE. Because I DO fucking deserve this, because I DID do something NO kid my age EVER will have the chance to do. And this brilliant white cloak that I wear outwardly, the first impression anyone receives of me, will seem to be a shell around me that’s even MORE impenetrable. How can I make friends with people who view me as that? As a shining beacon of power and radiance.
 
And then there’s everyone here at the house. And now there’s more of them too. Adults who wear this brilliant white and don’t turn away, but look underneath. They see my hurt. They see my wounds. They see the creases and stitches in the blue of my cloak, and they judge me for it. They actively judge me for it and judge me a child, as someone hurt, as someone damaged, as someone who needs to be prodded and goaded and lead and pushed and molded. They stop me from hiding away, but push me away from doing what I want. They pull me out into the open only to tell me what it is I need to do. They ignore the radiant part of me. They ignore the fact that I AM someone powerful, who deserves respect, and deserves the right to make his own decisions because they ONLY see a damaged, breakable, malleable child. How can I make friends with people who view me as that? As someone who needs to be stitched together and molded by hands that are not my own.
 
And so there are only 2 courses of action I can see ahead that make me feel… anything like I want to feel.
 
I can move out. Live with my uncle. Take my mother’s name. Hang up this cloak. Go to school. Be a kid. Tell people the story of how my mother died and my uncle adopted me and I’ve been living with him ever since. Meet people my age. But then I need to give up everything here. I need to give up Charlie and Panlo and Thistle and Ael. Can I do that? I love them too much.
 
Or I can leave Rosohna. I can find who here wants to head out and go on an adventure. I am sure Ael wants to sort things out with her false sister and I can tell Thistle misses the coast. Maybe we could visit Panlo and Charlie’s Circus, or… find the rest of my family. But I would need them there, and they wont listen to me. They won’t want to go out. They are happy here, and so with this choice I am forcing them to choose between happiness and me. I can’t be that selfish. And I sacrifice my chance at a regular, normal childhood. A regular, normal friendship.
 
I cant believe I’m writing this, but the happiest days of my life were on the road between Nogvurot and Xhorhas. Where I felt… useful. Cared for. Necessary. Loved. Powerful.
 
And I spent the whole time being a piece of shit. I spent the whole time letting it pass through my fingers. I spent the whole time not realizing I was going to lose that feeling. I spent the whole time...pushing back.
 
And now I’m alone. A brilliant white with a damaged blue. Too bright and intimidating for anyone my age to approach, and too damaged and broken for anyone older to navigate.
 
And that’s why I want to run away all the time. That's why I hide. I shine to bright and I hurt too deeply.
 
And I'm alone.

Virdan's Journal Ordered oldest to newest

  1. Bandages and Wounds
    29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
  2. Shepherd of the Lost
    29th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
  3. Nests and Webs
    30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
  4. Nocking the Arrow
    30th Brussendar, 835 P.D.
  5. Squirreling Away
    1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  6. Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts
    1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  7. ...
    1st of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  8. Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected
    2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  9. Loc
    2nd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  10. The Shepherd's Crook vs. The Chosen's Book
    3rd of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  11. And No One Asked
    4th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  12. A Scary Thought
    5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  13. I Don't Cheat
    5th of Sydenstar, 835 P.D.
  14. Flights of Fancy
    6th of Sydenstar, 835
  15. Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ
    7th of Sydenstar, 835
  16. A Bow and its Arrow
    7th Sydenstar, 835
  17. Dust, Wind and Bones
    10th of Sydenstar, 835
  18. Dear Panlo
    14 Nov 2021 09:36:08
  19. Dear Charlie
    14 Nov 2021 09:36:17
  20. Dear Ael
    14 Nov 2021 09:36:26
  21. Dear Gael
    14 Nov 2021 09:36:36
  22. Dear Trill
    15 Nov 2021 02:40:06
  23. Dear Thistle
    15 Nov 2021 02:40:15
  24. Dear Virdan
    15 Nov 2021 10:58:07
  25. Blue and White
    14 of Sydenstar, 835

The major events and journals in Virdan's history, from the beginning to today.

Blue and White

It’s been… a whirlwind. There isn’t enough pages in this journal for me to write about how much happened, or how it happened, or when. Everything blurs together. Faces, names, people, stories, emotions. Its… intense. And it’s crushing me. A...

05:35 pm - 21.11.2021

Dear Virdan

Ok. * This is dumb.* I hope no one finds this... You did it. Your safe. You saved Tali, Kayrin, and Rholis. You saved Viertree. Your friends are safe. You're safe. You did it. Thank you, Virdan. Thank you for saving your family. Thank y...

03:12 pm - 15.11.2021

Dear Thistle

I've written everyone a letter on this team. I told them why I am grateful for them and what I want to do more with them. Whether it's spend time, learn skills, or even learn to be more like them. It was hard. I was honest. But I didn't apologize for...

09:36 pm - 14.11.2021

Dear Trill

What we talked about last night... it's been weighing on me. The things Thistle said, the things you said... So I'm taking a step to start working towards really and truly being better. My self-loathing has blinded me to everything I have to be thank...

09:36 pm - 14.11.2021

Dear Gael

It's no secret that I have a problem talking about how I am feeling. It's made worse by the fact that every time I talk its an apology or a lie to cover up something stupid. I know you see me as a child. Not a kid. A child. And while I don't appr...

09:36 pm - 14.11.2021

Dear Ael

I'm not good at this, but I'm trying to be more open and talk about things I am thankful for in myself and outside of myself instead of apologizing all the time. So this isn't an apology for being myself. I've been myself and can't change that. This is...

09:36 pm - 14.11.2021

Dear Charlie

I've realized recently I spend too much time apologizing and regretting and not enough time appreciating what I have found these last 3 weeks. Found in myself and found with all of you. So. This is my first step in tipping that balance. Should I tel...

09:36 pm - 14.11.2021

Dear Panlo

It was brought to my attention that I spend far too much time apologizing and not enough time feeling greatful for who I am and what I have. That changes now, and it starts with you. Thank you, Panlo, for being a friend. More than a friend really....

09:36 pm - 14.11.2021

Dust, Wind and Bones

I knew I was right about underground stuff. We ran into these skeleton musicians that NEARLY KILLED ME but I guess we're friends with them now? Honestly I don't know. Charlie seemed to like them, and she's a good judge of character I think. So... wh...

04:29 am - 13.11.2021

A Bow and its Arrow

So. Trill and Thistle happened. I'm not surprised. I felt it happening that first night. Heck, I WROTE about it the first night we took watch with Thistle. But I don't know if I was expecting it this early, or this quickly. I wasnt worried until...

07:53 am - 12.11.2021

Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ

GIRLS NIGHT! Finally I'm recognized as something other than just a little girl that needs to be protected! If anything, I was totally in charge. I was the ONLY ONE who's ever had a girl's night before! We had fun, we talked, we did each others hai...

07:03 am - 12.11.2021

Flights of Fancy

I don't think I'll drink again. It was boring and gross and sad and no one wanted to talk to me about anything aside from not being ready to drink and that was mean and belittiling and I don't wanna participate in things anymore I only really drank coa...

12:42 am - 06.11.2021

I Don't Cheat

I don't even know how to start this one. How do I... Thistle's not just tabaxi. She's...she's different. And I don't care, but she does. Otherwise why would she hide her ears? I kept her safe. I did what I had to do to keep her secret silen...

04:32 am - 23.10.2021

A Scary Thought

Why do Charlie and Ael care so much about relationships. We're RUNNING from who-knows-what but no, let's "set a mood" for Thistle and Louise. Thistle and Louise didn't need any more coaxing... Let Thistle be. I'm sure she can figure out that sort of s...

12:49 am - 23.10.2021

And No One Asked

I suppose it's to be expected. I did spend my time trying to help a friend instead of whispering outside. I did waste my time messing up the ingredients. But I've never felt more like a child. At a crossroads, an important one, no one asked what I th...

12:48 am - 16.10.2021

The Shepherd's Crook vs. The Chosen's Book

I think I have to rethink some things. Thistle and I talked a bit about my abilities. Not my wildshapes, but my abilities. Sometimes I forget I am inately...powerful... in other ways. She had mentioned that if we come across a group of animals tha...

03:25 am - 09.10.2021

Loc

It seems like everyone wanted to take watch with Gael. So there I was, staring down Loc. He's quiet and determined. His words meaured and not wasted. And...there was me. Virdan. Quiet but, in a different way. I thought we'd sit there the whole time j...

12:08 am - 09.10.2021

Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected

I spied on Thistle and Trill. I just... I needed to know if they were talking about me. They were. But what I heard shocked me. I was expecting to hear them bad mouthing me. Calling me lazy, or scared, or frightened, or weak, or useless all the th...

04:07 am - 02.10.2021

...

Forget it. I don't even know why I keep this journal. Not like I have anything interesting to write about......

11:22 pm - 01.10.2021

Promises Unfullfilled: A Nightmare in 4 Parts

I tossed and turned all night. The Corpse Flowers did their work, I hope, but that doesn't mean I felt better immediately. Just the opposite. My stomach was lurching, my hands were clammy, and cold sweats kept breaking out on my forehead. When I did f...

08:15 pm - 29.09.2021

Squirreling Away

We woke up to a surprise. Crownsguard marching on the road. We had only one course of action. LEAVE. I was shaking. Stumbling. Scared. My immediate reaction was to grab Rholis and Kayrin and throw them on Bonnie. I nearly casted Longstrider on Bonn...

04:29 am - 25.09.2021

Nocking the Arrow

I can't believe my plan worked. Invisible Loc running extra fast, turning into a weasle and disguising Veirtree as myself, and escaping the city. Thistle seemed against my plan at first. Seems like she thought we could just walk out of the place. ...

03:06 am - 18.09.2021

Found an image of Rholis from a few months ago. He still carries around that wooden sword Dad carved for him. He loves that thing. He keeps saying he'll use it to slay a great beast. Too bad every time he sees even a spider he freaks out. Maybe when he gets older he'll be able to conquer his fear of bees.

06:07 am - 11.09.2021

Nests and Webs

Tali was determined that we stay together. Knowing that the law is hunting for a Teifling and a Drow means we honestly are safer together than we are seperate. We reached Nogvurot and entered the city. The guards didn't seem to even give us a passing g...

06:00 am - 11.09.2021

Dont flirt with my fairy!

04:15 am - 11.09.2021

Left to Right: Kayrin, Tali, Shendra, and me right before Shendra left for the Eastern Border. Rholis must be out rolling in some dirt or shooting arrows with his friends. It was around this time that I noticed how big Kayrin was getting. I still see her as that little brat but she'd shot up in height those last few months. I just hope her maturity starts growing to match. I hated that suit and haircut. Dad said it's my job to represent him and our family in the best light, and would always have me cut my hair and dress up "properly" for family events and outings. Luckily mom pushed back and let me wear my robes everywhere else and let me grow my hair out. I felt so restricted dressed like a lordling. If you could read my mind in this image you would hear me saying "where did Shendra get that scarf and how can I get one for myself." I'm not sure where Tali got that coat. It looks like one of Dad's old things but I'm not sure. They used to wear that thing EVERYWHERE though. Said it made them feel "official". I never really understood what they meant until I started wearing my robes more often. I used to mock them about that coat but honestly, now, I get it. Sometimes it feels better to wear what you are want to wear. Too bad we had no time to pack before...yeah... One day maybe I'll get this back. I mean, not exactly this. I hate that suit still. But just having Shendra back. Or seeing Kayrin with that smile again. Or Tali wearing that coat and feeling at ease. But now they need me to protect them. And I will.

03:02 pm - 10.09.2021

Shepherd of the Lost

Trill woke me up last night and lead me deep into the woods. I was worried. Where was she bringing me? Why was it so far away from the others? She told me I needed to get lost, to clear my head. I disagreed. My family needed me and here I was travel...

06:18 pm - 04.09.2021

Bandages and Wounds

Not only did I end up hurt, but Charlie was put in danger because of me. How could I let that happen? I just froze out there.... Jerris Merris? Really? I really thought the Crown's Guard would just.. accept that? Why did I even get her mixed up in all...

01:43 am - 04.09.2021

My name is Jerris............Merris

12:45 am - 04.09.2021

Trill's home. I guess now it's mine too...

06:22 am - 28.08.2021

The list of amazing people following the adventures of Virdan.