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I found this journal in the house Rhees made for me. I don't know why she left it for me, but maybe I can try to put some thoughts on paper and keep my shit together. Alcohol is making me talkative.
 
I woke up a couple days ago -- Osmi 11 -- and I panicked. I went from normal life to killer in a moment and then I woke up to Rhees alive again and Ciri was there and it was so loud and nothing made sense. I stabbed Ciri. They were able to talk me down, but I don't even know if this is real anymore. The Gauntlet fucked with my sense of reality: I woke up and yesterday was years ago and today was months from now and everything was a lifetime or two ago. I can't even understand how I could figure out what's real; if the Gauntlet can make me forget, then it could make me have fake memories -- I might not even actually be Kelvos.
 
They talked me down. I wasn't in the fire anymore and I could finally let go and shut down. I wanted more than anything to just lay down and finally let go; the naga was killable and I did my part. I got that itch in the back of my head again and the restlessness creped back and I wanted that naga's head: I wanted to fight and kill it. I decided to turn off, stop thinking, and wait for the fucker. A lot of what happened is a blur and then Freya whispered in my head, "it's heeereee..."
 
I hate to admit it, but it felt so fucking good to have a sword in my hand again. My mind was empty and I could funnel all that suffering on some disgusting filth that deserves it more than me. I think I might be an addict. I need to fight and bleed or nothing feels right; I felt it before the Gauntlet but now it's always there like I need another drink of violence. Every fight makes me want it again and more and again and more... I didn't see Rhees fall and I didn't care that Ciri got swallowed: I just wanted to hit the fucker one more time. I'm just glad I snapped out of it enough once Ciri blasted that snake open -- I was able to get to Rhees before the acid permanently blinded her.
The Gauntlet really made it clear that if this really is real, then I can't be who I was anymore.
 
I was able to talk to Rhees and say a lot that I haven't been able to since I left. She took the apology better than I did. When I looked at her I was back in the fire again and I broke. I don't think she fully understood why I broke down. How do you tell someone "I killed you without a second thought and without a feeling" without being a piece of shit? I don't want to be that part of me, but he's the one that got me this far.
 
Today was good. I cooked up the Tavern Classic: pot roast. Besides the lies in the Gauntlet, I haven't been able to cook for family, drink, laugh, smile... it's been too long...
Had a heart-to-heart with Sirna. I'm glad I kept it together through that because I can't let her see me break. She doesn't know what evil is and is going through some teenage issues that a father should have helped her through when she was actually a teenager. I tried to tell her, but the words just didn't work right. I talked about the one dream in the Gauntlet to let her know that I see her as if she were my daughter -- an older sister to my kids. If I could adopt her without it being weird, I would. I don't think I said anything right to her, but she at least joined the family dinner after that.
 
I missed Rhees' smile. I forgot how much alcohol hits her, but it was good to see her happy with this new little family I've found. Her laugh is louder than I remembered.
 
Just in case I start to forget, I want to write down the dream in the Gauntlet.
I had been struggling with sleep: no dreams, just lie down, close my eyes, then wake up and get back to work. I confided in her as I would and we got me away from the tavern for a few days. That first night she gave me a brew to help me sleep and dream specifically. The next night she gave me some hard hallucinogens, but this isn't about that.
I was sitting at a new tavern with the family. Rhees was beside me with her muddy boots on the fucking table again, but I was comfortable in pajamas with my slippers right there next to her boots so I let it slide. We were joking and laughing and sharing stories while the kids played. Bron was with his sister -- a blue tiefling with antlers and horns, who I now remember was Sirna -- learning how to use a sword (we insisted he start with a dagger though). Belle was sleeping on a big wolf -- Garmr. I remember bagpipes. Jein was out on a spa day and I can only assume Ciri was with her. I can only assume we ate pot roast that night.
I was in a Gauntlet that gives you your every desire and that was the only thing I could dream of. It caused a lot of confusion without the context of who these people were.
 
I'm getting tired and am going to try to sleep in a bed again. I think I'm drunk enough to not have nightmares.
Maybe if I can stop feeling restless we can take a break and be a little family for a bit...
 
I hope I don't dream. I feel like if I do it'll be that dream again except I'll be in armor and slipping away before they notice instead. If I get back the Kels and Durs line...
They deserve a normal life that I can't give them.