I Need Help

I thought I was doing okay, but I'm really not.
 
Auntie Polly visited us yesterday and, after a nice conversation, she told Ciri that her sister was in danger. No one hesitated: we packed and ran. I couldn't talk Rhees out of going and I immediately fucked it up.
 
I asked Ciri for the letter I had written. "To Family." "If you are reading this, I am dead."
Fuck.
 
I said a lot in those letters. I really hope they can find enough peace to stop and actually hang up their weapons some day.
 
I put too much responsibility on Ciri. She didn't deserve all that I've asked of her, but I don't have anyone else. I can't look Rhees in the eyes and she's the only other person I can be vulnerable with.
 
I really fucked it up for Sirna. Right now, she can't even go home because of me. If I died, they could've sent the Gauntlet back and said I did it without their knowledge. Now we're enemies of the state and I don't know if I can fix it. Cameron says if I get the Gauntlet to one of the royal families, all will be forgiven but I don't know if I trust it.
I was so proud of her facing her fears and now all I just worry that I'm becoming one of those fears.
 
Skipy... you're too young to be doing this. I get that you're an ancient dragon, but you lost that memory and experience. I'm sorry I'm asking you to grow up so fast.
 
Rheesa...
I can't. I try to remember what I wrote and my chest hurts and my throat burns and I can't see or breathe and that restless itch starts screaming in my head and the fire's back and Freya is asking me to make a choice and t
I can't.
 
I don't remember what exactly happened, but I heard them whispering when I went back to the tent. I was yelling for Freya, I think. I can assume I was back in the fire alone and trying to get out.
 
I do remember Ciri bruising my jaw though. I spun around ready to fight again and... there was no fire. I saw Ciri and I was back and I
I keep looking at the words and I don't know what to say. I broke. I fell into a mumbling mess a few steps above curled into a fetal position. I'm glad. I would've killed her if I didn't.
 
Rhees gave me some tea to sleep and I went out fast. I barely remember crawling into the cart. The day was a blur until watch that night. I knew I wasn't sleeping, so now I'm writing and waiting for Ciri to wake up so I can make another mistake and hope she can keep my head on straight.
I'm not okay. I don't know what to do. I need to be better and I don't know how.
I'm scared. I don't want to hurt this family too.
 
I just need to keep it together long enough to help Ciri's sister. After that if I'm not better I should turn myself in to the crown. I can't keep fucking up these kids' lives.
I'm sorry if I have to run away again, Rhees.