The Intricacies of Magic

A lot of people look at me and it's fair for them to see me as a brute.
 
All brawl, no brain. I get it; I've gotten those looks since I was younger. You can't really get by in society, growing at a rapid pace, watching your snout elongate and your height skyrocket in the blink of an eye, without at least some people thinking all you're good for is a fight. And they wouldn't be entirely incorrect. It's what I was born to do. My father raised me as a fighter. He taught me how to track and hunt. And the most important thing is that I was good at it. My weekly haul from the hunts were always fruitful and we never starved, despite the fact that we were constantly on the move.
 
But when it comes to magic? Clueless. It's why I came to Ioth in the first place. I didn't think such a thing was something I could access. And more to the point, why did I need magic? All magic did was cause my family pain; it took my father from me. Maybe in my head I simply didn't want to touch it because I was scared of what it would do to me. But as I started taking Gulm's class on Spell Matrices, a much more sinister feeling was brewing in my chest.
 
I soon became worried of what I would do with this power.
 
My mother raised us well. She taught us the importance of regulating power and skills, to always do the right thing, even if it costs our lives. I don't blame her for teaching this; it's literally what our father did for us, so we could live on. And it's a principle I have held close to my heart, as it never let me down. As long as my conscience was clear, I knew I'd be all right.
 
Ioth has nearly destroyed that illusion.
 
Everything is more complex, more complicated. I can't...punch my way out of a situation, as it were. Which is fine, it was a main reason why I was transferred to the Grove. And as always, I went in, head held high, ready for the challenge. But I realized where my power lied. I wasn't so surprised at this; the warmth in my heart that I felt when tapping in was very clear. My source was my heart, the epicenter of everything that I hold dear, my friends, my family, even my enemies who have helped me grow stronger. But how to expel it? What was to be my vessel? I was stuck on this for a very long time until it came to me.
 
The Bardi B. light.
 
It was one of the first things that was given to me, by my very first friend, Hilde. How could I not use this as a conduit; it has been a part of me since then. When I channeled the power into it, an intense light glowed from it. I couldn't understand the pattern; I had to ask Gulm to help me. I'm still waiting to decipher this. I never knew I had something like this in me.
 
So scary and beautiful. I want to understand this more.