The Unexpected

I haven't slept in days.
 
I tried, believe me I did. I wrote a letter to my family telling them I was okay, and it was probably the first time I had to lie to them in a long time. I didn't want them to worry. I was there not only for me, but for them, and if I showed any sign of trouble, my mother would immediately send for me. She's a very stubborn beast (exactly where I got it from), and I know she doesn't want to lose another family member to the darkness, whether it be physically or mentally. And I am definitely in the latter portion.
 
What's extraordinary about everything that's happened is how little I've responded to it. After my battle with Garnet, I admit my willpower was shaken. And this was despite me KNOWING that if I participated in this tournament, that I would be at a complete disadvantage. I came to Ioth to learn magic, as I relied more on my brute strength. After battling Cuper, using only what I had, I had more faith in my abilities. But after encountering Noir? No. It wasn't the same of losing that got to me. It was the shame that I didn't expect my mentality to be so open, so fragile. The idea of being controlled in such a way instilled a terror in me I couldn't even describe. I didn't know how to react.
 
And with Sven's "betrayal" and the Kisjan fighting to find a leader, I have still decided to fight on in a way I knew how. I found joy in the simple things. I continued to cook. While journeying into the Undercroft with my friends, I was able to mentally store a new recipe for a roast dinner. Instead of barging into battle, I sat back and watched. I listened. And learned. I realized that I didn't have to ALWAYS save everyone, that sometimes you need to watch closely what is happening. Impulsiveness only got me so far, and looking back, I knew I was just blinded by all the insanity that happened so far that I couldn't even begin to figure out how to heal. Truthfully, I don't think I have still.
 
So again, the simple things. New recipes. New flavors. New magics. I know I may not be nearly as skilled as Garnet or anyone else with her background. But that was the lesson I learned. A rather simple one, really: the best offense is a good defense. I learned more skills and magic in order to defend myself rather than attacking all the time. I admit I feel slightly ashamed as this lesson was the very reason I wanted to attend Ioth in the first place, and I almost forgot about it.
 
And then something weird happened. I was at my desk, scribbling, the sky darker than ever before. Then I heard the groans. The cries. My heart froze. I calmly took another bite from my plate of meat pies and peeked out my door. I saw Hilde rush towards Aoife's room. I began to follow, but I had a feeling that the same pies I was using to calm my racing brain were gonna be useful here. I stuffed them into a container and made my way out into the hallway.
 
WHAM. I hit an invisible force and the container flew out of my hand. Thankfully, my pies didn't fall out and I was able to "see" one of my classmates, Slaag, in front of me. Well, it's more like I heard them; they were trapped in the hell that seems to be surrounding me. I comically found their mouth and fed them a pie. They were calmer, but the hell didn't ease. It's as if they were staring down a demon itself, but the drugs prevented them from reacting in any other way than coolly. Close enough. I tried to feed as many people as I could, and yet the nightmare seems to continue. Aoife and Hilde explained to me what happened, and I processed just enough in order to keep helping people. If I got deeper into what happened, if I went there, I would go feral. I have grown tired of these events, tired of everything happening and I just want the apocalypse to just stop toying with us and face us so we can deal with it head on instead of these horrible games.
 
I'm this close from just letting the rage take over. If it wasn't for the pies, I would have. I should go and find Cuper and see if he has anything...stronger.