The Prayer to Lolth

Vitae: Places a bat orchid on the floor
 
I love flowers. There is something about this one in particular that I hold with much value. Part of this is due to my ancestors. My grandfather was a rogue. If anyone ask, I would say he was a good man, but he did things many would consider evil. He saw someone seeking to burn a city to the ground. Instead of stopping them, he helped. He did not just help burn it down, he helped her find closure with the nightmares of her past. When the demon fell, she left the fray. My grandfather sought her out and brought her this exact kind of flower on their first date. He was not a great romantic, but appears that the flowers worked. This flower is different than most. Most would describe it as ugly, I do not. The beauty sometimes draws me away from the nightmares that haunt my thoughts.
 
These nightmares are more than just bad dreams. They haunt me every time I close my eyes. I have tried to ignore them but they don’t go away. They do not go away because I am the reason why they haunt me. I am afraid of not choosing the right path; afraid of disappointing my ancestors; afraid of disappointing myself.
 
If you asked me where I would be happy with my place in the world, two days ago, I would have told you “among the gods”. I sought out god hood, now I question myself more than ever before. I wanted to be a god of reprisal and curses, A god that fought usurpers, but I know that is wrong. When I was a child, my grandparents taught me about the gods. They told me I could worship whoever I chose, but I had to pick wisely since my soul would go to that god’s realm when I died. I gathered all the books and tales I could find, I wanted to know everything before I made my choice. To be honest, I was disappointed. I was worried it was going to be a hard choice, but only two gods caught my attention. One was The Traveler. I agreed with his philosophies. Good and evil is subjective, what some consider evil, other consider hungry. What some would consider a usurper, other would consider a hero. I would defend a demon just as I would defend an angel. The other was you Lolth.
 
All I had was one paragraph, and I knew you were the one. I spent my childhood hiding my feelings for you in worry that I would be treated worse. As you can see, I am a tiefling. My ancestor made a deal that I pay for. The people I grew up with, they were accepting but I was not blind. I saw the way they looked at me; I saw when the checked for their coin purse when I walked by; I noticed when other kids were told to stop playing with me; I noticed when they pretended not to see me. I have been told more information about you in the past three weeks that exceeds all of the information listed in the books of the gods in my home town. I have been told you are at war with every other plane. I have also been told you eat your worshipers. All of the information I have heard in the past few weeks have painted you in Ill light. All of this information has only reassured me that I have made the right choice. They have deemed you evil, they have condemned your teachings. I refuse to let others tell me what is good and evil.
 
I sought this Medusa’s curse as a stepping stone. It was my first step of countless along the path to godhood. I realize now that the reasons I sought such power was flawed. I believe that violence breeds more violence, yet I thought of shaking the realms. I believe good and evil is subjective, yet I was considering condemning those I considered usurpers. It was not until today that I realized this, I have you to thank for that. Penguin knows about your plans to siege Zargos. I know that you sacked the hometown of one of my party members. I am not upset. I was surprised to find that I was ok with everything. Almost every form of civilization is born of taking territory from someone else. If someone would condemn someone else while pretending their homep lace is not in question, they are wrong.
So much has happened and for the first time in my life, I can not foresee my future plans. I don’t have anything more to say other than I have not given up on you. I just need to put my head back together. I wish good fortune for you and your plans with Zargos.