Ramblings of a Sober Dwarf

We had some... mixed luck. Viertree got injured by a bear trap. Bad luck.
 
The hunter who set the trap helped us set her leg. Good luck.
 
That hunter was instantly smitten with Thistle. REALLY good luck.
 
I'm probably being ridiculous about it, but it is just... a relief to have something so undeniably good happening after almost a week of looking over our shoulders and ghost attacks and bandits. Thistle and Louise are just... cute. It's sweet. Maybe I'm living a touch vicariously through Thistle, but...
 
They're just so cute~
 
Honestly... it reminds me of Dreli when she and Grona had their first ball. She was grumbling the whole time about it, fussing about being fussed over by Mother and I. She kept insisting she didn't want to dance with anyone, even though she was twice the dancer I ever was, making big claims that she'd sooner drown herself in the punch bowl than be caught dead on the dance floor. I swear she made the braiding of her hair take twice as long as it would have just from her fussing alone. Or maybe I made it take longer to spite her, I don't remember. She was being a proper brat about the whole affair. Grona at least was looking forward to the buffet. She kept trying to cheer Dreli up by promising they'd slip away if things were dull to have a chess match in the lounge, but Dreli wasn't having it.
 
She ended up spending the entire night with Tobias Jung, twirling around and looking quite precious, all breathless, dizzy, flush. I never told Mother, but I think she had a hickey the next morning. Grona and I didn't stop teasing her about it for a week and a half, we practically made it a game to see which of us could make her more red, and Vamwaeline was smitten with the whole story, kept asking Dreli if she thought Tobias was dreamy...
 
...
 
Honestly, the first night in Louise's home was the best sleep we've had since before we all ended up in that blasted inn. I learned some more about magic too. Gale and Viertree have been teaching me about the schools of magic, about how we can more consciously manipulate things. All the lessons I never had back during my schooling since I didn't show even a hint of aptitude... or talent...
 
God, I was a mess back then, wasn't I? Desperate to prove myself, to figure out how I wanted to prove myself. Is that what is up with Virdan? He's seemed so... lost these last few days. Ever since the bandit attack. I hope he isn't still shaken up by his concerns about killing. We need him to have his head on straight if we end up in a fight.
 
Charlotte seems concerned too. Honestly, I think the two of us are getting on like two peas. She's probably as excited for Thistle as I am, and then we worked together and figured out how to make Gael, Virdan, and the other Drow look like High Elves. It's been a lot of fun gossiping with her, and she's a right talent with the viol. She's... probably the closest thing I've had to a friend in years. I mean, the others are friendly enough, but... I don't know. Everything is so tense, and Charlotte is just... No idea if she feels the same way, but it has been nice to talk to someone who I feel like would be friendly with me even if we weren't all running for our lives. It feels... natural.
 
She apologized to me for "Story Time". None of that was remotely her fault, but it still felt good to get the apology.
 
We had an uneventful day's travel, then set up camp for the night and put together a hunting party while Thistle and Louise did... whatever they decided to do. It got... weird. Virdan attacked Panlo, then Gael, but then he stopped being a wolf and he took Gael off in the distance. I think they were arguing. It looked heated as fuck. I've seen drunken, jilted lovers act more civilly. Confusing, but none of my business.
 
Sure, maybe part of me is a touch bitter that others seem to be allowed to keep their secrets and I wasn't, but that part of me is... best ignored. Virdan has a right to keep his secrets. If they are even his secrets. I feel suddenly like a lot of things have been happening that I've just been missing because I've been all googoo eyed over the adorableness of Thistle and Louise.
 
I did check on Gael, and he said he knows something about Vamwaeline, but I can't... ask yet. He asked me what I think of him joining, and of his book, and I'm... a bit shocked I'm okay with it. I am. He showed... respect. I trust him about as much as I trust any of the others at this point. He means well. That doesn't mean he won't make mistakes, but... he's trying. I have to respect that, or I'm a bloody hypocrite. Honestly, he reminds me of Dalovum. There's a conviction there, a strength of his beliefs, even when the world seems determined to challenge him. A steel lining of character mixed with solemn purpose and a wry core of kindness that is masked by all of the other shit.
 
God this journal is rambling on. I've never been much of a writer. That was more Thendrem's thing. I used to hate how he'd ramble on about magic this, runes that, the Age of Arcanum blah blah blah... funny, now I'm starting to understand why he found it all so fascinating. I wonder if he ever made it to the Soltryce Academy. He was so disappointed after those first two rejections...
 
I've been thinking about them a lot lately. All of them. A lot more than I have in years. It's like finding out Vam was alive tore out scars I'd forgotten about and now I'm bleeding out inside, bit by bit. I miss having a family, even if I always felt like a worthless member of mine. Tali and "Story Time" made it worse. I just keep thinking about... everything.
 
I made so many mistakes. I thought I did the best I could. Did I though?
 
I...
 
It...
 
Just...
 
Fuck. I'm not even drunk and I'm a babbling mess.
 
*There are a few wavy ripples in the texture of the parchment, as if some sections ended up wet.*