Scars Unseen and Unsaid

Eventually, they had to return home. To their lives, to their homes - Cardinal and Maelie to their manor, Kevan to his home with Hayden, and Arinelle to her Temple. Even Miranda went to her books, turning to the puzzles in an effort to recover her footing.
 
And then he was alone - in the night that was usually his safety and his haven. Alone as he rested, as much as he did anyways, with the silence of the night around him and nothing but the company of his own mind.
 
Lately I've been feeling so ashamed
By these thoughts I'm hiding in my brain
'Cause I've been holding them down but they twist me violently
I'm hanging by a thread tonight, but this time I don't wanna be saved
 
So let me fall, let me break
Under everything unsaid
Just let me die 'cause I can't take
Living with what's in my head
If I surrender, surrender
To the monsters in me
If I surrender, surrender
To the monsters in me
Will it set me free?
 
It had taken him and used him. He had not been strong enough to fight it, not strong enough to control it, and not even strong enough to keep it from rifling through his memories like an errant file. He could feel it, in a way, like a film over his mind. Not over his skull nor his head nor his skin, but a... residue... of sorts left on him.
 
This thing had left its mark on him in a way no one would ever see. It had made him watch as it had moved his body, spoke with his words, and carried on with his life.
 
And all his training, all his focus, and all his dedication.. and he'd been powerless to stop it.
 
What's the point of holding on like this?
When no one seems to care if I exist
There is no agony like being strong when no one knows you're sick
So sick of hearing, I should stay when I know I would never be missed
 
So let me fall, let me break
Under everything unsaid
Just let me die 'cause I can't take
Living with what's in my head
If I surrender, surrender
To the monsters in me
If I surrender, surrender
To the monsters in me
 
He'd let them down, some part of him whispered. It it his hunger, murmuring evil into his ear? Was it the mental presence that had laid over him with psychic suffocation? Or was it simply his own voice, for once, realizing that perhaps he was not nearly so clever as he thought. That perhaps it did not matter how many sessions he took with Nel or how he meditated to be one with the shadows that birthed him. It did not matter what magical knick-knacks he had acquired or how well he could see in the dark or even blind.
 
He'd failed. He'd almost failed his mission, his loves, his mother - everyone.
 
He'd simply failed. And some monstrous thing had walked away with his body, his voice, and his life. And even though it was dead now, a stain upon the carpet that would be already be gone...
 
Some part of it was still here.
 
If you could see under my skin
You'd realize why I hold it in
Why it's a fight I don't wanna win
Why it's a fight I don't wanna win
If you could see all my abuse
And spend a day inside my shoes
You'd realize why I just wanna lose
You'd realize why I just wanna lose
Will anyone believe the hell of being me
Before I decide to be the dying proof?
 
His mind warred against itself - he wanted to be strong. He wanted to be strong enough to save them all - to keep them safe, to be the stable place of security for each of them. And, certainly, he knew they were the same for him - and yet. How could he be strong enough for them when he wasn't even strong enough for himself?
 
The body didn't move - in these meditations it might as well have been a corpse in truth; and yet he could feel his arms and limbs moving under someone, no, something else's control. He could feel the casual disregard and negligence that creature had held for him - he wasn't a person, he wasn't even an enemy - for this creature, he was a vehicle. A thing to be used until it no longer suited.
 
And in the dark and stillness of the night - the night which was his by birthright, blood, and shadow - he felt the psychic slime of the thing still upon him.
 
So let me fall, let me break
Under everything unsaid
Just let me die 'cause I can't take
Living with what's in my head
If I surrender, surrender
To the monsters in me
If I surrender, surrender
To the monsters in me
Will it set me free?