Perfectly un/happy

CW: Implied thoughts of Suicide
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gyANphz_Kk
 
The plan had been simple.
 
Vodacce and the people there had set him on the path with the skills he would need to hunt from the shadows. The monster that laid the curse on him was out there in the shadows somewhere and the monster that killed his mother lived inside him.
 
The plan had been simple. Find the monsters... and kill them.
 
Would anyone notice
If tonight I disappeared?
Would anyone chase me
And say the words that I need to hear?
 
That I'm no burden
Not so worthless
Bent so much that I just might break
All-consuming
So confusing
The questions that keep me awake
 
The lights of his city shone out from the rooftop of the Parliament building; it was one of his favorite places. High enough to watch the city and the people moving about it - calm, cool, and quiet. He'd brought Arinelle here, once, out of a mad and careless desire to simply find some way, some reason, some pretense to spend more time with her.
 
He'd told her one truth - he'd peeled away one layer of the masks he wore and, to his surprise, she had not turned away. He could still remember the feel of his lips on hers and that momentary blinding brilliance of their kiss that silenced even the hunger in the back of his mind.
 
His eyes shifted from the brilliance of the lights to the shadows at the base of the Parliament building.
 
Would anyone care, would anyone cry
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?
Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight
 
It just might save my life
Would anyone want me
If they knew what was inside my head?
Would anyone see me
For the person that I really am?
 
The near relief on Cardinal's face lived burned into his mind if for no other reason than he did not understand it. There was much of her, like himself, still cloaked and shrouded, still hidden and kept locked away. She understood that some stories moved at different paces, but like the rest of him he could see all too well the look of horror and shock that could live there if they knew the whole truth. And yet...
 
And yet his fingers remembered the sense of her skin under his fingertips and the way she curled against him, soft, and warm, and trusting. To earn her trust was no mean feat, he knew. And yet he knew he was lying to her - even as he told her there were secrets yet unsaid.
 
The plan had been simple. Find the monsters. Kill the monsters.
 
I won't lie
So hard to hide
I've never felt worthy of love
I would give up
Everything I have
Just to feel good enough
 
He would need to tell Maelie, he mused as he contemplated the fall. What had started as mere passion, the drivings-on of the Hunger, had become something more. She saw the good in him, wanted to see something for a future he did not himself see. Trust, and the depth of emotions he did not quite understand how to express, had bloomed where passion and connection had sparked.
 
It would be only right to tell her - and would allow him to at least explain the differences that her perceptiveness had already begun to pick up.
 
Would anyone care, would anyone cry
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?
Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight
It just might save my life
 
He'd told Miranda almost everything. And yet she did not understand the depth of what drove him or the Hunger that lurked behind his eyes. How could he explain the rising tide of fury, rage, and animalistic response in the middle of their argument. She'd realized, clever one she was, that his actions had been to try and force their father to disown him - and they had argued.
 
He regarded the stories long drop slowly. It would be the simplest thing to step into the air and simply fly.
 
Would anyone notice
If tonight I disappeared?
Would anyone chase me
And say the words that I need to hear?
 
The plan had been simple. Find the monsters. Kill the monsters.
 
The plan had not allowed for Alex to discover who he was and love him regardless.
 
The plan had not allowed for passionate nights that turned to tender mornings with Maelie.
 
The plan had not allowed for how Arinelle's contrast, her light to his shadows, would call to him like a moth to a flame.
 
The plan had not allowed for Cardinal's simple kindness to cut through every layer of armor he'd wrapped himself in.
 
The plan had not allowed for Miranda to suddenly be a woman of poise, intellect, purpose, and courage where a young girl had once been.
 
He slowly stepped back from the ledge, looking out over the city. Somewhere, in the darkest shadows of the deepest pits, that monster was there. And all the others he would find and drag into the light along the way. The shadows of the long fall would wait for another night - there was work to be done, still.
 
But what right did he have to be happy? To feel peace? When so many monsters still walked the face of the world and the image of his mother, taken from a locket he'd hidden as a child, still burned brightly in his mind.
 
Would anyone care, would anyone cry
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?
Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight
It just might save my life
 
Would anyone want me
If they knew what was inside my head?
Would anyone see me
For the person that I really am?