A Journal Entry Dated Sept. 7, 1813

Dear journal,
 
Nicholas searched my room tonight, for a voodoo doll (long story), and boy did he leave it a mess. All my things strewn about. He was in a hurry, I guess, but once again I am left to clean up after the nobles.
 
I started to tuck you back in under my mattress, but felt drawn to you, little journal. (Hopefully I can trust Nicholas to have not read anything. He wouldn’t have, right? Maybe you need a new hiding place. )
 
I don’t want to write about this, but I need to have it out with myself. Let’s get this over with.
 
Dominic told me he is in love with me. With everything else going on (and there is so much going on!), I’ve given him almost nothing in response.

There are so many reasons why this is a bad idea. Like I told him, I can’t secure him any advantage in society. I am clearly still a danger to the family, and I’m a terrible influence. I can’t be trusted to play nice in public, and I still forget that whatever decisions I make reflect not just myself but the entire Sterling family. I don’t think I’ll ever fit in, playing the stupid games of society — can you imagine me, bearing heirs and hosting tea parties? Ordering servants around? Making small talk with other nobles? It sounds horrible.
 
Even with all that aside, I think I’m afraid. My mother gave up and abandoned me to this world, and every thought of her is a constant reminder that I’m not someone worth staying for. Everyone since has left me or forced me out. What if Dominic, too, decides that I’m not enough for him? I’m not sure I could stand knowing his love and then losing it. What I want to do, as always, is keep him at arm's length. He can’t hurt me if I don’t let him in.
 
But by the goddesses. Don’t I get excited when I see him? Don’t I always find excuses to be near him? If I’m honest with myself, did I try and put that egg on the Brewwick witch’s dress purely for “justice’s” sake — or was I just jealous? Can I sit back and watch Dominic court other women like I told him to do? Do I trust myself not to interfere?
 
I don’t know if I can. I care for Dominic, and I want him around me. I trust him more than most, and I worry about his safety. Whether that’s love or selfishness, I couldn’t tell you.
 
He is tall, and handsome, and comforting, and a little strange. He doesn’t feel so beholden to the rules of society like the others do. He is loyal and good. Tonight with Lucy, I got angry and turned on her with my knife, but he stayed calm and comforted her. When he felt useless, he didn’t run away. He stayed and held me when I was upset, even after everything I did in my dark moments. Maybe I need that, his example of goodness. Steadfastness. Light.
 
But then I’m back at the beginning. I can provide him nothing in return. Do I let him lift me up at the cost of dragging him down? Ugh. Little journal, I thought you would help, but you haven’t helped at all. I’m still confused.
 
I find myself wishing to talk to Oliver about this. I wonder if I’ll ever get the chance. I wonder what he’d say. (I bet it would start with him telling me to stop taking away all Dominic’s bread. Which is, of course, no fun.)
 
Dove
 
PS - I can’t help it – my mind keeps turning to Berig. I hope he is okay. I wonder how involved he was with the events that happened 3 days ago. I’m glad he warned us about the ordeal, but desperately hope it didn’t cost him anything. I should have written something to him.