Report: Siege of Lochwood
General Summary
Stiks sits at the bar of the hogs head.. or Demons Den? ‘I really should look at the darned sign one of these times’ He thinks to himself, leaning back on his stool at the bar, stretching his arms wide with an exaggerated yawn ending in a hard thinking head scratch. Leaning forward again he goes back to work, scribbling on a piece of paper for a moment, then pausing and scratching out his words cursing to himself and starting again.
“Whatcha workin on there Plux?” The bartender winks at Stiks as he says this and gives a wide smirk, clearly aiming to ark the man.
Stiks stares back flatly, muttering a “There’s no P…” under his breath, but knowing it wouldn’t matter. He’d drunkenly let slip the name he’d been given at the monastery one night and the bartender had been twisting it in matters of jest ever since.
The bartender continues, “Ya writing a note to yer ma?” but immediately wishes he’d not push his luck as he narrowly ducks Stiks stool as it flies over head.
The rage that flooded Stiks face at the mans mention of his mother was absolute and immediate. “Shut up ya bum!” He leaps over the bar, landing before the man and grabbing him by the front of his shirt. “Don’t talk bout my mum.” He stares the man directly in the eyes, holding him at eye level. Which is slightly crouched for the taller bartender. The tension hangs a long moment, then Stiks drops, or rather allows the man to stand with a bit of a shove.
“I was tryin’ ta write up the report on our attack on the bandits encampment. Our mission to save your rear!” He throws his hands up with exasperation as he says it and turns, grabbing a tankard and pouring a rather full beer. He hefts himself up to sit on the back bar and takes a large swig.
“There we were, settin’ out to take down the bandits headquarters. Plan was, take the head off the snake! Myself, Russell, Patrick, Boss Man, Aunty Bee, and the Kid would go for the leader, Wren or Ren or whatever. We’d go up the cliffs, sneak in from behind after the rest of the militia, Aldric and all, engaged with the bandits outside the main camp. Hope was Aldric and co would pull their attention just long enough to split their forces so we could enter in the back, make swift work of their leadership and then get em all to surrender. Can’t say it worked that way but…” Stiks words trail off, lost in his cup as he raises it to his lips, taking another long pull.
“So there we are at the base of the cliff, waitin’ for the signal!” Stiks jumps up suddenly as he says this, now standing on the back bar, yelling out to the tavern. To his credit, this time he has at least the attention of a few patrons.
He continues regardless of the attention. “So when the signal went up, ya know, yelling and banging and shit. Well and also a big ol’ fire. Anyways we lept to action! Patrick and Aunty went up the cliff invisible, so, I couldn’t actually see em. But, I imagine Aunty Bee got carried up by her meanie bees,” He waggles his fingers as if to mimic the bees, while making a slightly wet buzzing sound with his lips. Not great. “An Patty, he for sure just cartwheeled up that thing like he was strolling in the gardens. Still no clue how he does it. They relayed via a rather complicated system of pointing out shit to the Kid’s bat and the Bat relaying through some sorta mind meld with the Kid and the Kid told us. SO absolutely accurate I’m sure.” He drowns off a bit, then leaps back to attention, startling a patron off their stool. “There were a bunch a beefy bandits up there, and they were mannin’ big ol ballistas. Like a giant dropped their crossbow and didn’t notice. Right about then somone tripped over a wire with some bells on it. I dunno what these bandits were playin’ at, but they musta learned how to set alarms by their knittin’ gram!” he chuckles to himself, those listening mostly scratch their head. “But, we got away with it, cause, bells are dumb and also bandits are too. So then the fires went up and battle began! Or.. did that already… Ahh the battle was on! I took a sig of a climbin’ potion I had on me and scrabbled up the cliff beside Russel, Boss and the Kid who went up on a rope that Patrick had dropped. I got up fastest and went straight to!...” Stiks leaps from the back bar to the front, miming a swing with a club overhead, startiling another patron off their stool and thwacking another’s nose with the end of his finger as he brought his swing down before them finishing his sentence with a mighty but slightly silly roar of “Wackin!”. Without skipping a beat he continues “I got a few punches in on the twerps on the nearest ballista before the others got over the cliff face and joined in. But when the Kid came over, he raised a prayer to Celestine and I was flooded with an incredible strength and speed, like I had pumped a triple serving of the stuff the shorty with Sir Bless-a-lot is always hocking. The battle was intense, but less intense than I had figured we’d face. Guess the bandits were more a pushover than we had thought. Only Russel went down after taking a full ballista to the chest. Which I gotta say was impressive. Anyway the kid was able to restore him and we wiped the floor with the rest of em’ post haste. As soon as we could we jumped on the ballista and turned em against their own!” He mimes aiming a giant crossbow, imitating a great recoil as he lets a bolt loose, “Thwack!” He smirks to himself. “The Kid wasn’t the best shot, so I thought about lending em a hand, but the Boss reminded me to stick with the plan, off with the snakes head!” He draws his finger across his throat as he says it.
“From what I heard Russel’s big nosed round horse Tulips did a hell of a job helping the rest of our force hold their own against the bandits while we were going for the head. Even against what we later found out were some goblin forces we believed to have fled. Well, while Russel Patrick and the Kid were shootin’ at fish Me, Aunty Bee and the Boss broke into the fort with a healthy amount of thwacking by yours truly on the door. Though I do think I got a splinter…” He trails off as he brings his thumb to his mouth and tries to bite at what one could assume is an embedded splinter. He does so for an awkwardly long time before the barkeep gives a “Ahem” from below.
“SO we busted in! Aunty Bee and the Boss swept the scene and found themselves a door up stairs to the bad boss. I had to take a quick breather, but in a jiff I joined and dashed through the door they had shimmied open, and there I saw Wren, er Ren? Their leader! She honestly kinda looked beat, I actually think she mighta needed a hug or something. Turns out she was forced into the whole thing by… by some bad people! They were holding her kids and forcing her into leading the force. Scum, all of em, diminutive, short scum bags. Anywho she ran us through the tale. Baldy had been the real issue, off his rocker picking fights and leading the bandits on raids, and what not. The hell howlers had been spreading lies about demons and shit, same stuff we’d been hearing since the sacking of Backwater. The poo sticks pulling the strings were making power plays, classic tale, and we were all suffering cause of it. US! You and ME! But, we beat those suckers up, and we even found out who the traitor in our mists was, even though it turns out it wasn’t the traitor we assumed who had done the thing that had lead us to assume there was a traitor as the traitor wasn’t even here yet when that happened so really we were thinking there was a traitor before there was a traitor but in the end there ended up being a traitor so we weren’t wrong we were really just right before it was right…”
Stiks pauses, catches his breath, and puts his fists on his hips, striking a heroic pose. “Sooo we crushed it. You’re welcome.” A long silence hangs in the air of the tavern until the bar tender interrupts.
“Right, so, could ya get off my bar?”
“Oh, right sorry, sure. Ah and just another brew if ya don’t mind thanks.” He hops down, and unassumingly sits at a stool close to where his once stood. He drops a gold on the bar. “Cheers mate”
Orated by Stiks
Adventuring Patry: Stiks, Robin Foster, Ryth Venali, Russel, Patrick Smith, Jene Dark
Date: 16JAN22
Report Date
16 Jan 2022
Primary Location
Related Characters
Comments