34th High Tide, 9047

It's finally happening. I've been lounging around this city for almost 2 weeks trying to feel again but I just seem like an outsider. At least there's drink to make me numb... but today the job I came here for is supposed to commence. I don't know what it entails and I could care less. I just need an excuse to either die trying or find a purpose. A purpose- what a joke. I already had one and I threw it away in an act of cowardice. Why I ever thought I could be a paladin of fucking Eldath is beyond me. I'm a coward through and through. I hate killing. I don't even know if she listens anymore; I can't imagine why she'd care after I gave up so quickly.
I can't let these people see me. They just need to see some faithful fool who got himself killed, I don't need to tell them what's wrong with me. I don't even know how the average person would react if they found out they were travelling with some half-assed corpse that forgot how to die and stay that way. None of that matters. I'll try not to form attachments and maybe I can keep these people at arms reach. Gods help me if I start to care. I never know how to shut up when I start to feel for people. Let's hope it's a quick end.