Entry 15

Dear Diary,
 
My uncle used to say "A bad day only lasts 24 hours". It's a little silly but that always helped put my problems into perspective. But after yesterday I think this bad day will last more than 24 hours. Everything went awful at the guild hall. After that sorcerer... did what he did to Rin and Xayah I started shooting arrows at him. I... don't remember everything clearly but I remember shooting at him, and I remember the arrow exploding and him recoiling like I hurt him. I felt like I wanted to hurt him and make him stop, but then also didn't want to hurt him and I just couldn't make a decision. He kept flying around throwing lightning at everyone and the guild members ran away and some attacked us. But I was focused on the sorcerer who felt like pure evil to me. It made my skin crawl.
 
He flew down low enough to throw another lightning bolt at someone. And while my vision was blurred and bright, ears ringing, I knew I had to stop him. I let my bow go and pulled out that foul sword and swung with everything I had at him. Again, I'm not entirely sure what happened. It's like I can see before I struck him and after, but in the middle it's all fuzzy. When I regained my senses I was standing over him on the ground and he looked like he was unconscious but alive. I heard my friends fighting the guild members and I knew this man couldn't be allowed to hurt people anymore. And... I thought if anyone had to do it, I don't want it to be my friends. So I used that disgusting sword for the only thing it's good for and I ended that poor man's life. Malcolm ended up helping afterwards, which made me even more sad. I hate everything about today. The only good thing is that Xayah and Rin were brought back by Reverie and everyone lived.
 
I think the guild people went and talked to the guards or something, I'm not entirely sure what happened. We ended up in that nice Duchess' house for some reason and they gave us money for exposing some people and for killing someone? Are we mercenaries now? I think they missed the point that we were here to speak on behalf of the elves and end the conflict and any violence between the city and them. I still don't trust the rest of the guild council, even if the Duchess says they're okay. They were so quick to resort to violence and kept threatening to hurt us or kill us. I couldn't wait to leave this city and put as much distance between this town and me as possible.
 
The rest of the party had errands to run I guess. They got came back with some new stuff and we were on the road to help fix this curse again. I asked everyone for forgiveness for trying to protect them all the time. I think I finally understand why the Tuatha'an travel all the time and stay together. Because you can't protect everyone. You can't protect them from things that want to hurt them. And you can't protect people from hurting themselves. I don't know what to do anymore Diary. I feel like a failure. I couldn't even do something as simple as staying true to my beliefs. I couldn't even protect the people I care about. I tried to do everything and I did nothing. Whatever I do in the future, I have to do better than this Diary. My new family deserves better than me, so I need to be better than me.