Monetized Boredom

<Eo turns on her phone camera, which is currently resting on a makeshift stand of... whatever she could get her hand on. It may or may not actually be borrowed from her crewmates. As a result, the camera angle is a little awkward, and it takes Eo a few tries flying back and forth to figure out where her frame is, but she's only a little off-center by the end of it.>
 
So... I don't know if I'm actually going to post this or not. On one hand, it would be really cool to post vlogs about the crazy stuff we get up to. Lots of good stories, and a lot of content that no other streamer can do! ...On the other, I am just a little wanted, so maybe posting my face along with stories about what I'm up to is maybe just a little bit kind of a bad idea. But! I'm still gonna make them. Because space travel is really boring and I have nothing else to do. Maybe when we hit Rucarecho I can convince Ze- uh. The Captain to get some editing software and a rig to put it on so I can make something decent out of this. Or maybe MUUT can make one? I'll have to ask. Oh! Maybe I could make one of those virtual avatars and use that! Yesssss. Like some sort of tall, goth... furry thing. With giant tits. That'll get the numbers.
 
...I'm gonna edit that part out.
 
Anyway, introductions! I'm. ...not actually going to give my real name just in case I do end up deciding to post these. You can call me... Po. No, that was dumb when I used it on Doth and it's still dumb now. Po Tato. Really, me? Ugh. Uh... P...p-p-p-Pim? No. Pam? No. That already exists and I don't want to incur the wrath of The Final Pam. This channel is too young for that grade of beef. Pimento. No, that's a cheese. Different letter, uh. R? Ru-... Re-... Renard? No, that's not original... Rena? Bleh, that sounds like a human name. Ribbit. No.
 
<This continues on for an uncomfortably long amount of time as she starts to float about the room, going in and out of frame until eventually she suddenly flits to right in front of the camera.>
 
I got it! Rumblebee. Because the martial arts I'm training in is named after bees. Gonna get me a whole bee-themed avatar and it's gonna be so cool-
 
Ahem. Hi! You can call me Rumblebee, and I'm a wanted criminal! ...Should I say that? Eh. If I post it, it's gonna be under a couple dozen proxies, so as long as I'm vague about details it'll be fine~ Plus, if I wait and post everything a few weeks, then it's all outdated intel anyway. Or maybe I'm just making it all up for some grand narrative ARG down the line and I'm just copying the headlines for clout? You never know!
 
But yes, I'm currently wanted by the Adamantine Authority for... things. Lot of things. I do crime. It wasn't by choice, mind you. I-... well, okay, the first crime was by choice, but then they were huge assholes about it and inflated the charges so much that I decided, hey, if they're going to try to give me life in a maximum security prison for hitting one politician, why stop there? So I broke out of prison and now here I am a couple weeks later having formed a pirate crew and finished out first big job! Which is what I want to talk about today.
 
So, I've never really been a religious person. Not that I didn't believe in gods- I've met enough clerics and seen enough magic in my time to know that much, but I've never really stood behind one. And honestly? Kind of glad I didn't. Because people can do some pretty horrible stuff in the name of a god, and also divine identity theft is a thing that can happen. We took a job from this one pope lady- had this grand, fancy, giant-ass cathedral devoted to Torm. And yet, the city outside that cathedral was... Well, let's just say they considered themselves lucky to have running water. It was bad. They gave everything they had to the church and lived like peasants. You would think a good god like Torm would be against that sort of suffering, right?
 
Well, turns out he was. Because that pope wasn't with Torm. It was an evil god pretending to be Torm. Of course, we couldn't just leave things like that, so what started as a treasure hunt turned into an exorcism- ...do you exorcise gods? Or is there another term? Banish? Expel? I dunno. Not important. We had to get rid of bad god juju. Which sounds absolutely insane now that I say it out loud, but that's probably a good thing that people don't believe me.
 
We did get rid of it, though. And by "we", I mean the cleric in our group, who I'm gonna call Doc because they keep us alive. And they did that here. Doc's a cleric of a different god entirely, not the evil god bitch, and not Torm. But apparently their god was so mad about the divine identity theft that it appeared above Doc, and grabbed the piece of the evil god that was possessing the pope- Just grabbed it in its bitch-ass face- and slammed it into the ground like it owed them money. One shot, bam. Gone. Meanwhile our muscle- I'm gonna call her The Rock because she's built like one- went after the pope herself, who was trying to fight us from the back of this hell-horse nightmare thing. The nightmare horse tried to jump over The Rock, but the Rock said fuck that noise, grabbed the horse, sat it down, and bitch-slapped it across its stupid nightmare face. Then the horse kicked back- like, full, flaming, giant horse kick right to The Rock's face, but she tanked it, shook it off, and just kept squaring up like the nightmare didn't throw hooves worth shit.
 
I might have a crush. Just a bit. Can't help it. The Rock's hot. Hot rock. Could fry an egg on her abs.
 
...I hope she never finds out about this.
 
<A moment of awkward silence>
 
The Captain was there, too. He... well, he's a magic boy so he tried to do magic shit to grab the pope and her horse with a rock hand, but apparently possessed popes are slippery? Honestly, it's a bit unfair to him. Normally the Captain's kicking ass just as much as the rest of us- just last week he he managed to explode two gargoyles after they tried carrying him away just by clapping his hands, but I think he was having an off day. It's okay. He's still a good captain. I grew up around a lot of politicians, and this dude could talk circles around all of them- he managed to get us past guards by convincing them to quit their jobs and go adventuring together. While they were on duty. In the church. It was awesome.
 
But I'm just rambling now. Never did anything like this before. I mean, both the crimes and the vlogging. Though I guess it's not really a crime since we liberated the city from the clutches of an evil god? The Adamantine Authority certainty thinks so, though. They're angry, but only because Evil Pope was in with them, and when we got rid of her, they lost their grip on the planet. So they're calling it crime to have an excuse to go after us. They're assholes like that. Fuck the police.
 
So yeah. Now we're headed to other places. I'm not gonna say where, but stay tuned~ I'm going to try to keep posting these, and once I get to a place where I can get a proper setup- I can do Let's Plays on top of talking. Keep things interesting. Thanks for watching, and like and subscribe if you want! Honestly, I have no idea where I'm gonna do with this, but we'll figure it out! Turns out I've got a lot of time traveling between planets, so hopefully that means I can put some actual production quality into these when I have more than just my phone. Byee~!