What a fucked up day

Dear Diary,
 
Today was such a weird day.
 
It started this morning. I left my room in a hurry. My left boot was making sucking noices and felt a bit damp. That was weird as I always leave them next to the heater in the toilet. It's the only place with ventilation, so that gives them some fresh air.
 
As I was strolling through the city, people were looking at me while I was walking past them. Might be the sucking noice…
I was on my way to get my new winter coat. The seamstress had been working on it for a whole week and it just got back from the cleaners to get the last blood out of that nice white fur.
 
It was still a long way and the walk did make me thirsty. So, I walked into a pub, ordered a nice cold beer and sat myself down in a corner. “Forbidden to take of your boots”, said the sign and it probably was for the better as I started to remember that that night I went to the toilet for a wee and remembered that I didn’t hear the usual clatter from the toilet bowl, but more like the sound of a bottle being filled up. Oh god… I started to feel a bit sick as I wasn’t wearing any socks.
To overcome this feeling I quickly ordered something stronger. I needed to get this picture out of my head. And it didn’t take long, after a glass or three, that I started to feel all tingly inside. Forgotten were the feelings of disgust while I playingly was pulling and pushing my foot in and out my left boot.
 
I laughed while suddenly two shadows were sitting in front of me. Damn..People! Close to me? But how? Nobody wants to sit with me. Why!? Closely, I examined the one on the right. My glasses were zooming in, had to think, felt woozy, scared and exited at the same time. They started talking, I felt tingly inside, this never had happened to me I froze! Could it be!? Is this an orsmagm… orsagm…ormasm…ORGASM!?
I laughed. The person on the right looked weird at me. Was it a laugh or did I just fart in excitement? They were still talking to me. I put my hands in front of my face. Thoughts were racing through my mind. Had to pinch myself. They were still talking to me! To ME!.
 
“We’re looking for a pilot..”. One said.. Oh boy, oh boy. I am a pilot! I am a pilot! I wanted to scream: “ I am a Pilot, take me, take me, I’m all yours. Do what you want to me. Ohhh, Yes!”.
But I knew I should play hard to get. I’m rich, you know. I’m important and people are always asking favours from me….
 
“Yessss….. Soooo?”. “And why do you think I want to join you”?
 
My fingers were trembling, sweat came oozing out of my pores. Oh god…oh god…oh god…oh god… My knees touched, I couldn’t take it anymore.
 
My mind went blank. I can’t remember anything anymore from that point on forwards. It all went grey.
I know we went to my ship. I heard laughter when they walked around it. They looked like they were walking away, but I dragged one of them into my ship. The other followed quickly with fear in its eyes.
I sat them down and started my ship, someone threw up and half an hour later we left the space station.
 
We flew somewhere and I did hit a few things, but we all survived. Well, physically….