Broken Masquerade

I stared into the mirror, and a completely broken woman stared back at me.
 
Distantly, I recalled the memory of my vanity. When I would spend ages in front of a mirror, agonizing over the fine details of my appearance. Carefully applying make up, bushing out my hair… I had been beautiful once, full of life.
 
The woman that stared back at me now couldn't be more different. My dark skin paled from months without sunlight. Hair an untamed rat's nest as I never had the time now to maintain it. One eye milky and blind, the other dark brown and bloodshot. Half my face was marked by deep scars and the other was a blighted and burned wasteland of ruined flesh.
 
Tears stained my cheeks as I continued to stare at a reflection I hated. I hated myself, inside and out and had for a long time now… last night had just been the straw that broke the camel's back.
 
Months and months of not showing my face. Lying daily to everyone I meet. Painfully binding my chest. Dressing in layers of over-thick clothes. Constant stress and worry that someone might find out. The growing danger of Qesir. Even while trying to do good things, ending up slipping all too easily back into old habits. Meeting Talima. Managing Noct as they seemed to lose the small grip on reality they had.
 
My every day had been a fresh wave of stress and agonies, but I endured it through my self loathing. Just punishment for what I've done I would tell myself every time I nearly pass out in the street from heat stroke…
 
But now this? A stack of papers that had set my blood to boil. People I thought rightfully dead apparently alive and keeping busy. Vengeance had tasted sour the first time I thought I had killed that wretched bastard Dominique and his minions… but despite the vile taste, is give anything for another chance at it.
 
The news had been too much for me. Despite Noct's insistence, I had snapped. Revealed myself to our companions, told them the truth and laid myself bare.
 
It may have been an over reaction. A poor decision made in the heat of the moment, after all, I'm known for those.
 
But…
 
It felt
 
So
 
Good
 
Even just for a second, I cast the weights off my shoulder and I could be myself. Actually look my companions in the eye and say what was on my mind.
 
But it was a mistake. The look on Noct's face was enough to tell me that. Noct will not forgive me, and by all rights, Noct shouldn't forgive me at all. I'm the reason Bellamy is dead, I took that from Noct.
 
Our entire reason for coming here was stupid and childish. I told myself I wanted the world to remember the hero my brother could have been… but I was just hurt, lashing out and making wild decisions. I used my mourning as an excuse to run away, to not face my crimes and my parents. I tricked myself and Noct into believing I had some noble cause to do right by my brother… but the truth was I am just a coward and you can't live in a dream.
 
…
 
Feeling a fresh wave of exhaustion, I slink away from the mirror and drop heavily against the bathroom wall. Curling into a ball of self pity, new tears form in my eyes.
 
Oh Bellamy, you perfect, stupid man…. What would you say to me now? I wasted our life not listening to you. Wasted every chance you gave me to put me on the right path.
 
Now you are gone, and your sister is all alone, caught between missing you and hating you for throwing your life away for mine.
 
I am broken… and I do not think I will ever be whole