Memories of a journey 2

I always feel guilty about sneaking off these days. I can sit and give myself a thousand excuses: Noct is asleep, the room is locked, it'll only be half an hour or so, etc. Reasonable excuses, but excuses none the less. Doesn't change that I'm bring dishonest…. But unfortunately the guilt hasn't stopped me yet, it's starting to make me hesitate… so perhaps there is some progress.
 
Even as a walk down the silent corridors of the ship, my mind nags at me constantly. Noct probably knows what I'm doing, they can be quite observant. Just choosing not to say anything so I don't feel judged for going back on my promise to let go of my vices. Noct could often be like that, quiet, supportive and forgiving to a fault… part of me almost wishes Noct would actually get angry and call me out.
 
Quite interesting how I can be walking and thinking all these negative things about what I'm planning to do, and at no point do I actually stop myself. Addiction and vice is a funny thing.
 
I glance out a pothole, seeing the dark night sea and sky beyond. It's late… or rather so late it's early. If always had a good sense of time, so if probably put it at around 3am. 3am was an interesting time, so far in the night that few are ever awake but not close enough to dawn that even light sleepers would be beginning to stir. 3am almost doesn't exist to most people.
 
I knew better than to assume the entirety of the crew was asleep. No ship is ever truly asleep, even on a calm night like this. There is always a skeleton crew to keep the ship moving and on course… but at this time of night, enough of the crew would be asleep to grant me some privacy.
 
Stepping out onto the deck, a brief shiver came over me as I pushed the door open. The cold sea air cut through me instantly and I was immediately thankfully for the little warmth the padding of my gambeson provided. As I suspected, at a glance, the deck was mostly clear. At best I could see a very bored looking Helmsman who was more focused on a book than he was on actively steering. A look upwards saw a pair of kicked up feet poking out over the edge of the crowsnest… so it was a safe bet that it's occupant wasn't looking down anytime soon.
 
Not wanting to draw attention to myself, I make my way quietly across the deck, headed up to the forecastle deck. Frontmost deck of the ship and several thick masts between myself and the helmsman should he glance my way. Alone again. Pulling off my helmet, as usual I take a moment to indulge myself in a deep breath. The smell of the sea is new to me still, Tymbren was quite a distance from the coast… not sure if I'm a fan yet.
 
Regardless, I set the Helmet down on a nearby barrel…. I pause for a second, reaching down and turning it so the visor was looking away from me, as if to make it not witness my shame. I then set to my purpose for coming here. Withdrawing from a pocket in my gambeson, a short pipe and a cloth bag. I'd been taking quite a lot of care to keep the pipe clean and the bag well sealed, not out of affection for the objects but to try to reduce any trace of the smell.
 
I'd told myself and Noct that I was quitting smoking 6 months ago when we started this journey together… but I am weak of will when it comes to my vices. I sigh in defeat and self disappointment as I begin the practiced motions of packing the tamp into the pipe. Putting the bag away, I clenched the pipe between my teeth as I closed the bag and started patting around my pockets for a match.
 
"Need a match there, son?" Came a gruff voice from behind me
 
"Ah yeah, if you don't m- SHIT" I was talking before I came to the realization that I was supposed to be alone and suddenly wasn't. Scrambling to grab my helmet and attempt to cover my face, I was distracted by the sound of that deep voice again, now turned to a booming laugh.
 
"No need for that now. Overheard the boys chatting that you and that short friend of yours were mighty shy about being seen without that there tin can of yours... but I couldn't see you if I wanted to" the voice said. Daring to look, I saw its source, a large full blooded orc stood at the other end of the forecastle. How someone that large had managed to sneak up on me I'll never know. He continued to chuckle, making his way over with heavy footfalls, idly tapping a long wooden cane in front of him as he came. The orc was dressed in worn but we'll made clothes, typical of a sailor but one that was both well paid and experienced. He was old for an orc, long white hair pulled back into a ponytail and tusks showing signs of age. Most notably, as he drew closer I became aware of his eyes, pale blue and unfocused, a look I knew well.
 
"... You're blind" I struggled to keep my voice, pipe still hanging from the side of my mouth as I slowly relaxed, putting the Helmet back down.
 
"Aye. Surprises people sometimes… but you spend a long enough life on these waters, and you won't need to see to sail." He grinned with the kind of confidence that only a life of skill and experience can bring.
 
"Right… I don't believe I caught your name?"
 
"Didn't give it. No need for that kind of thing on a night like this." He said, smiling still as he leaned against the railing, it creaking under his weight. He started to pull out his own pipe, a surprisingly ornate piece of work carved in the shape of a lion's head, and pack his own tamp.
 
In a way, for once I was almost glad to not have to give a name. We sat and smoked in silence. The sweet smoke mixing with the salty air in a way that was surprisingly pleasant. The old orc was the first to break the silence.
 
"So… what are you expecting to find in the desert? " the question was blunt and it took me longer than I liked to find an answer.
 
"... I don't know yet to tell you the truth. Maybe just a chance to be remembered? Maybe I want to find something important or do something great. A chance to put a name in history… sounds pretty selfish when I say it out loud" unsure of why I was being so honest to this nameless blind orc, I turned away and drew a deep breath of smoke as I stared out into the dark sea ahead of the ship.
 
"Hehe. You're hardly the first or the last to tell me something like that" again came that booming laugh. When it stopped he turned his head to me, despite him being clearly blind his gaze seemed to pierce through me "there are worse reasons than yours to be setting out on your journey, son. Listen to an old sailor now. No matter what your intentions, if you do good for yourself and for others… then you'll find what you need, even if it ain't what you were looking for"
 
I digested these words in silence…
 
"I think I'm just scared… I don't know what I'm doing" I admitted, looking at the Helmet. I had put it down with the visor facing me, I half expected that the dull hunk of metal was judging me as well.
 
"You should be. Still a dangerous world to be walking into blindly. Lots of horrors in that desert… lot of good too" he mused, taking a deep hit of the pipe again. "But, I don't think the age of heroes is quite past us. Adventures to be had and stories to be told. Something tells me you'll be part of one by the end. Just got to take that first step" he smiled, letting out a cloud of smoke and unceremoniously dumping the contents of his pipe off the edge of the ship. "Get some rest, this ship ain't exactly quite cone dawn"
 
I watched in silence the the orc hobbled off, too at loss for words to even thank the weird old man for his insights. Once again I was alone, my mind still buzzing in thought. I raised the pipe to my lips, hoping for the sweet haze of calm that usually followed a hit… but I stopped. Pulling back I looked at the pipe, the slowly smoldering tamp in the bowl looking back at me.
 
"... Take that first step huh? God damn it" I sighed, a mix of defeat and resolve in the pit of my stomach. With one last look at it, I pulled out the bag of tamp from my pocket and quietly tossed it and the pipe over the railing, watching as they splashed into the water below.
 
Still a long road… but keeping promises is a good first step.