It is I! The Dread Pirate Sparkos McDavey and holy hell did today get weird. I woke up in a box and some dumb bastard was shouting about being a pirate, which sounded like a sound plan. Except that he was threatening people, which doesn't sound very pirate-like to me. The rotten trout couldn't land a hit against me and I wound up facing my most dangerous foe yet. A dog! It was a hard fought battle and I was able to subdue the creature for questioning. The dog was involved in stealing some stuff from some people who were also there and now Detective Captain Sparkos is on the case!