Iron Wine and Dine

The evening was chillier than Tobias  had anticipated. He’d moved into Mythrite yesterday, finding a quaint lodging up in Eronia. His supply of wine had run dry on the way in. The sun was still up, stuck saying it’s goodbyes, hovering like a drunk uncle at the front door. Tobias trudged along, pausing to figure out where he was. He pulled his black fur cloak around himself. He looked like a curious groundhog, rooted in a subterranean tunnel. Tobias wasn’t sure which street he was supposed to be on. He knew it was somewhere along the border of the Minor and The Halberd , but Tobias had come to learn that the distinction was hard to make. He looked for the large brick shithouse that the tavern owner had mentioned. He wasn’t sure how literally he should take the information. Tobias breathed in the cool evening, absorbing the nature of his surroundings. Dirt covered denizens shared beverages and smoked leaning against their homes. A man pissed on the corner of a wooden house, aiming at a black spot of mold growing at the base. The smell of urine and arboreal rot wafted in the air. Talk drifted from life before Mythrite and life after they finally struck mythril. They all talked like it was their destiny. Tobias gazed down the front of his cloak, fixating on a silver button that hung loose. There was more than one way of striking it rich. Tobias finally noticed the brick outhouse, and continued down the road. He spun in a circle, arms high, flourishing his cloak. He spotted a small house that, like most of the buildings around it, was as dirty and leaning as its inhabitants. This one, however, had a gnome shaped door and a grape vine growing in the window. Lanterns were still on in the small shop or house, Tobias couldn’t tell which. He crouched to almost half his height, squeezing through the door, and heard a bell toll after it closed behind him. A cheerful gnome greeted him. Tobias asked about his favorite wine, his uncle’s favorite.   Tobias and his uncle could often be found in one of two places back in Neverwinter. First was his uncle’s living room, where Tobias would listen to his uncle prattle on about previous adventures. A task that grew more tedious every week. The second was the Lucky Lavender Tavern, his uncle’s stomping ground and eventually his own. After moving in with his uncle, the two spent nearly every night there. It’s where Tobias learned the way of the world: that money was just shy of friendship. That no matter how much the tavernkeep loved his uncle, a tab would eventually come up. One night Tobias tried to keep pace with his uncle and his Uncle’s friends. He spent half the night flappy his cloak like a stupefied bat. His bladder was the first to cave. A cold Neverwinter night greeted Tobias, pushing his long hair back. A black cloak sat loosely over his shoulders. He leaned against the stone of the tavern, watching his piss flow down the wall. He could still hear his uncle laughing inside. Tobias giggled or hiccupped, he wasn’t sure.   “Unfortunately, I don’t have much stocked other than my own. Would you like a sample?” The gnome darted behind a desk, vanishing from Tobias's sight. She reappeared with a small chipped mug full of a ruby red liquid. Tobias noted it had a distinctive shine, like thick ink. He took the mug, sloshing it around. It flowed like wine should, dismissing his fears of its odd nature. A small shrug shook his long cloak. He took a sip from the metallic liquid, in hope that it would quench his thirst. It tasted like sweet iron, akin to someone making tea from an ingot. Tobias was delighted, it was the first time he had felt a wine was distinctive. He would normally just drink what his uncle was drinking, which often meant drowning in regret. Taste was always secondary to effect.   “How do you like it? Names Julia  by the way.” She said, waving her hand at Tobias.   “Tobias.” He replied, rolling his tongue in his mouth. “It’s the most distinctive wine I’ve ever had.” He stated, feeling for the coins in his pocket. “Can I have a case?”   “Of course! If you ever need a resupply, feel free to bring the case back. And we can get you topped up.” Julia picked up a box from behind her, she knew a recurring customer when she saw one. “Anything else I could get you?”   “Do you know of any taverns nearby? I live over in Eronia.”   “Ah.” She said, holding her hands at her waist and inspecting the toe of her boot. “I’ve heard of a new tavern, the Uphill Lounge . You’d probably pass it on your way home. It’s on the border of Eronia and the minor.”   “Thanks, Julia! See you around!” Tobias exited through the short door. Julia smiled, sitting down on a barrel.   “See you around Tobias.”   Tobias opened the front door of the Uphill Lounge. The smell of wine and cinnamon candles wafted out. The place grew quiet. After a brief moment the patrons returned to their conversations. Tobias signaled to a host and sat down at a table. Within a few minutes a dancer stepped on stage, wearing a bright flowing dress. He stared at them. Others glanced over, dipping to and from their discussions, but Tobias watched. The way their hand traced a halo around shimmering hair. Lamp light bounced off the everchanging folds of their dress. Tobias and the dancer locked eyes. They continued to dance, the lamps casting heavier shadows as the sun fell.   Tobias’s and Selussa’s faces were lit by candlelight, the cinnamon had been replaced, a new pumpkin candle neared its end. The candle light flickered across Selussa’s hair, as if they were still on stage. The two shared a bottle of wine, hands emerging from the dark to lift wine to parched lips.

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Sep 25, 2020 02:28

To begin, most of the story seems to just be a report of what’s happening rather than being filled with intriguing language that draws in the reader. The first paragraph especially is slow-going. It’s sentence after sentence describing Tobias walking through town. The sentences themselves vary little in length and either use plain language or similes that didn’t fit the scene in my opinion (“hovering like a drunk uncle” and “rooted in a subterranean tunnel”).   Going back to the notions of reporting, the sequence of this story’s events is bland and uninteresting. Tobias walks through town searching for a wine his uncle liked. He remembers some time with his uncle. He tries the wine. He buys the wine. He goes to a tavern and meets a dancer he likes and shares the wine with. The end.   None of these events seem significant in any way. They seem like normal life. They don’t reveal anything about Tobias or why I should care about him as a reader. The flashback showed the most promise for characterization. I thought I would learn why his uncle matters to him so much that he’s searching for his favorite wine. However, all I learned is that Tobias and his uncle drank a lot together. If Tobias cared for him so much, what was his name? Why do they drink together? Is there an event or memory that really cemented their bond?   In addition, the transition between events were jarring. After a very long first paragraph, I am thrust into a flashback to back when Tobias was with his uncle in Neverwinter. Right when I think the story will continue this “flashback narrative,” I am thrust back into the present story without warning. Then after a dull conversation with a character not relevant to the story (Julia), I am thrown into Tobias’s interactions with a character that seems to be more important in the story than the uncle (Selussa) only to have the story end before anything comes to fruition. The story should have ended when he got the wine.   I would recommend selecting any single portion of this story and expanding on that portion only. There is a lot of potential here. Maybe Tobias was looking for the wine and when he found it, thought back to a moment before Mythrite that really demonstrates his bond with his uncle which makes up the bulk of the vignette, then the story ends with a neat little resolution back in the present (maybe something like the Tale of Iroh in the Tales of Ba Sing Se episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender). Or maybe the story can be about a meaningful moment between Tobias and Selussa, something that reveals what kind of people they are. You had a lot of potentially interesting storylines, but you glazed over all of them where you should have chosen one and magnified.