Oops...

It's been a little bit, hasn't it, journal? I gotta apologize for that, but I think you have to understand that things have been... kind of awful for a little bit of time now, haha...
 
Oh, I don't want to write sad things, because I do not want to cry again. Let's consider the positives and mention the negatives in only a few sentences because yeah... Yeah... I have to be positive. I must. It's the only thing I can really do for my brothers, in this situation.
 
I still desperately cling to the ridiculous thought that things will eventually be alright. Not perfect, not perfect ever again, although nothing was perfect to start with. I want to believe that once my people find a new home then it will bring about the change that my home has always needed. I want to believe that Ros and Lio and my return back to our family will bring about the change that needs to happen between all of us. I want to believe that Lio lied about Father's passing...
 
......
 
Oh, Respen is chirping at me. I'm fine, little wings. I just let my mind wander, haha. This is why I can't stray from my path, see! It's all going to work out alright! It... It has to.
 
Anyway, I do not want to cry again. I'm sick and tired of crying. I also am sick and tired of babysitting Lio, but I understand why I must. He's also here, watching me write, but he can't speak or really do anything since he's tied up and gagged. Poor, poor him. Except, no, not poor him. I'm quite pissed at him still. I have not forgiven him and I don't know if I ever will. How could he possibly think that sacrificing an entire town is acceptable under any circumstance? Has he abandoned our faith? Is everything falling apart and am I the one holding onto something completely stupid? I don't want to
 
No. No, no. No. I.... Positives. Okay.
 
He's giving me a weird look. Don't quirk your eyebrow at me, brother. I guess a positive is that he's okay, even though I really want to punch him in the face just like once or twice or five times. He's alive and he's here and I really missed him and I was so worried about him, so it's nice that he's safe. I just wish he'd stop saying awful things to me and Ros whenever we feed him. I wish he could be released from his bindings and I wish he'd stay with us without trying to escape. There's nowhere he can really go, is there? Unless he knows where our family is at? But I don't want him to go back to them, honestly. I want him to stay with me. I don't want to worry about losing him or oh no. Tears again. Fu
 
not..... that's not a...... bad word.....
 
Gosh gosh gosh i'm such a mess oh man......
 
Um. Now he's averting his eyes because I'm crying. Wonderful. Yeah, I'm a mess, but I've always been a mess, so whatever. I'm weepy and I miss everything badly but you know what
 
(a dark scribbled ball appears underneath the words)
 
There. HAH. Fine. I'm not sure what other positives there are. We're alive. The people in town are nice. The performance went well, even though I accidentally terrified Beef somehow. The sheep was not set on fire, thankfully. I have to return her soon. Maybe Ros will let me go return her if I bring someone with me. He's been really protective of me.
 
Which, uh, well..... I don't really mind, I don't think. I'm pretty scared of uh.... Him dying? Or getting taken away from me somehow? Aha...
 
Yeah. He was impaled. He was so badly injured and I saw him unable to move against that awful monster that hurt him. He's not doing okay at all. I can tell. I don't know how to help him. I'd do anything to help him, to make him feel even just a little bit better, to give him a chance to take a single breath. But I have no idea what to do. He's never been so... Like THIS, before...
 
No, he has been. But it wasn't this bad. It's never been this bad before. If anyone else was here then they'd be able to help him better. Kevril and Jenola always figured out how to help him with his moods. Lio used to cheer him up, but I don't... even know if he knows how... broken he is...? ?? ? is it okay for me to say that about my brother? i know it's how i describe the characters in my plays, but...... he really seems.....
 
oh man. i'm so tired of crying. ugh. UGH. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.