On being Ogren.
....I've noticed since coming here, I think a LOT more. Sit and watch people go by, observe their movements, anticipate what they're thinking. I can TELL my mental structure has changed. I seem to have places for different thoughts instead of them being tangled together in a mad rush to get them out of my mouth.
How do I explain it? It's like, I have a large dirt yard and I can put different thoughts in separate piles and still be able to see them all. I can pick up one, think on it for a moment, then place it back exactly where I found it, then do the same thing to ANY of the piles. ....I have a lot of thought piles. They're all so clear. And when the shift starts, those piles start moving closer to one another, and get forcefields around them. Harder to touch them. Instead, different, specific piles call to me. The thought piles that are always there: Intae and what she means; Mana and the thirst for it; what it would be like to let go and break things. It's harder to touch my original thought piles because they're all crowded together.
When I explained this to Avery during the last shift, he was fascinated. Drew out what I was talking about and it looked similar. But then it leads me to the next obvious question:
What is being Ogren? Like, really, what is it to be Ogren? I see so few of us around, and each of the ones I talk to have different, weird answers. We don't grow up in communities, we're scattered out among the countries. Some of us go nuts, some of us don't, and no one can tell me what the differences are between the two. "Oh I had a cousin that lost his shit". WHY though? Was the pull of Intae too much?
As well, the last guy I talked to said he only sleeps with other Ogren. That he never really thought about it, he would just be drawn to them and not to other Races. Said that unless there was a female Ogren around, he wouldn't even think about sex. I'd thought about it a bit, and... maybe I'm just weird. I haven't felt a draw to ANYONE, Ogren or otherwise. And I know he has to be full of it being ALL Ogren, because the one from the restaurant is married to a Fei'nos.
It's just so strange. I was a bit of a horndog before coming here, but now I don't seem to feel anything about the subject. Sure, I talk about sex, make jokes, talk about the former life, but I don't feel anything about it. Avery asked if I felt any interest when I had Jess on my shoulders for hours, and I didn't. I can recognize she's cute, and I like being around her. Jo is hot and charming. There's just nothing.
But... maybe it's just the last remnants of depression. I mean, it hasn't been that long since Mom passed. I'll just have to give it more time.
....aside from the thought piles, there's... so much more. There's this bit of "higher, confident mind" that sits in my headspace. He's a different kind of Carter, which... now I'm starting to really sound crazy. It's like another Mode. Calm, but powerful. Confident in his magical abilities. KNOWING he could drain and kill other beings of their Mana. On how he could turn that power into spells and rituals. ....I think that's how the others go mad. They listen to that part.
You know.... I think Ogren have a kind of Racial Memory. It was something talked about in a book series I read about ancient humans. That some of the earliest humans had racial memories that they passed on from one ancestor to another, mother to daughter, father to son. Never male to female. If someone had been a Healer in your line as a woman, you would have the memory of how to be a Healer in your lifetime without having to study. You would just remember how to do it. In the books, that branch of Humans died out because there wasn't room for evolution and new concepts. Things were always the way they were. No new hunting ways, no new discoveries.
Ogren are similar, and it's something I've found in the Other Mode. I know how to cast spells and rituals. I know it's more than the crystal the fucking bird gave us. I know how to drag Mana from various things; there's a specific way for each. A tree is different from a flower, is different from fertile soil, is different from a Human, is different from a Fei'nos. You never draw from Kith. Not ever. Kouvael will leave you starving, unless they're like Avery.
I'll have to think more on this. When I think about it for too long, I get spooked about how coldly casual these thoughts can become. I want to stay a good person. I WILL stay a good person, god damn it. I swear.
Carter's Journal Ordered oldest to newest
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Shift Notations
07 Aug 2021 08:23:41
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A new life.
07 Nov 2021 08:08:50
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On being Ogren.
07 Nov 2021 08:39:09
07 Aug 2021 08:23:41
07 Nov 2021 08:08:50
07 Nov 2021 08:39:09
The major events and journals in Carter's history, from the beginning to today.
HUh. My watch says I have three new messages. Haunted watch.
08:39 am - 07.11.2021On being Ogren.
....I've noticed since coming here, I think a LOT more. Sit and watch people go by, observe their movements, anticipate what they're thinking. I can TELL my mental structure has changed. I seem to have places for different thoughts instead of them bein...
08:39 am - 07.11.2021A new life.
A lot has changed over the last 6 weeks since I made my last entry. I've had two shifts so far, the second being way easier to deal with than the first. I think the stress of having the other Screaming Ogren outside the house made the first shift even w...
08:08 am - 07.11.2021Shift Notations
Temperament: Day 7 - First traveler's lodge [Been here 5 days]: - Looking up at the sky often. - Can heart my heartbeat off and on. - Desire to get out of the house and do something. - Desire for meat still increasing (though bread sounds amazing t...
08:23 pm - 07.08.2021The list of amazing people following the adventures of Carter.
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Birthplace
Spokane, Washington, USA
Current Residence
Laperos, Nitha