You vs. Fate

When you're not happy with the choices you've made, is it better to blame fate or yourself? Because if you blame yourself you can at least mentally berate and torment yourself for it. And that, after a while, will make you feel better. If nobody else is there to punish you for something you know you shouldn't have done you can just make your own penance and that's that. Takes a while, but at least you can let the guilty part of your brain rest. But if you blame fate you can just be sad about it and mope your way through. When you're just upset about how your destiny was paved out you don't have to deal with all the guilt and the anger. You can just eventually forget it, since it wasn’t your fault.
 
I'll never forget his crying though. Or how the shadow spoke to me. "You are not in control" Isn’t that the whole concept of fate? That no matter what you do, you're always subject to your fate? Of course I'm not in control, "fate" is...or whatever. What makes you know so much about it Shadow Man? And why does that kid need to die? And who needs to be broken? ̶W̶a̶s̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶?̶ Why do you even exist!? How are you part of Jhin!? Why were you there!? WHAT DID YOU MEAN!?
 
He’s not going to a better life, I knew that. I made myself think he was, before. I made myself think I could change Celrin’s mind if I needed too. Does that make me a good manipulator, by manipulating myself? Or does that just make me weak? ̶C̶e̶l̶r̶i̶n̶ ̶k̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶a̶l̶o̶n̶g̶.
 
If fate is in control than I can make all the bad decisions I want, because none of them matter anyway right? I can hurt friends and destroy lives and be selfish all I want because “fate wants it that way” right? And all the bad things I've already done are just intertwined together by a thread that I have no control over, so why worry about it right? ̶J̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶p̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶l̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶u̶n̶t̶i̶l̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶d̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶d̶g̶e̶.̶ ̶
 
There’s a pit in my stomach as deep as the one in the heart of the valley. My heart feels like it’ll never have room for love because shame is all encompassing. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Something isn’t right. ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶S̶h̶a̶d̶o̶w̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶s̶ ̶i̶t̶
 
I do know a few things. I know that I'll never be able to look Meta in the eyes again. I know that Noppa will want nothing to do with me. I know that I've ruined any chance I had with the only friend I've had in my entire life. And if there is a thread, I think mine is broken.
 
-w.