Aboard the Jackdaw

by Inara Edhelhael

Twentieth-fifth day of Arborus, 1485

This journaled account is one that I shall strive to write in a more orderly fashion than the last, which is frankly little more than ramblings and rantings drawn from my thoughts, experiences and memories, all written down in the back of my spellbook… back when I didn’t expect to see my one hundred and fifty-third year…

I am quite pleased with this journal that I found in Runestone before we set sail… it will be far more practical for my purposes than the back pages of my spellbook. I wasn’t thinking about the longterm when I did that.

We have been aboard the Jackdaw for a couple of weeks now. It seems as though it’s been forever since I was last on a ship crossing the ocean, even though it has been just over a year… so much has happened since that voyage to Latria that I almost feel as though it was another century. Odd as it is, so much has changed… I daresay I have changed…

But is it such a bad thing? To change? I’m afraid that I don’t know the answer to that…

There is no denying that I have changed much in this past year, perhaps it is the amount of time that I have spent in the company and camaraderie of humans, or perhaps it stems from Filandrel’s betrayal… perhaps I will never know. Maybe I am not meant to.

I am so accustomed to spending my days analyzing and researching everything that I encounter… and I am well aware that I am still quite young for one of my race, so perhaps the very questions that burn in my mind and heart are those that others have already found their answers to… Filandrel, Epherion, Othver, all of the older elves whom I’ve talked to seem to be so sure of their path. Even Ravlor seems more sure than me, although our last few conversations raised more questions in regards to him… questions that I cannot think about right now. Especially not after last night…

Is it wrong of me? I know I’ve thought in the past that if Grimaldus were to have offered a night, before we faced Mustafat and the bendeth, I would have took him up on his offer without hesitation. So why do I hesitate now? Why do I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as though I am making a grave mistake? If I look deeper into my thoughts, I know the answer. It is just hard to admit it to myself. I am afraid.

I’m afraid of what may happen if I end up loving him too much. He is a man. And, he is not particularly young at that… so he is going to die. Ravlor gently hinted at it, but encouraged me to follow my heart because otherwise I will spend the rest of my life wondering. The Princess was far more blunt… men die. All of the years of their lives pass in what is to us, merely a season. I do not think I even want to know what Filandrel would say… I can imagine it quite well enough.

But even with this knowledge of the inevitability of loss… why do I still feel drawn to him? I feel as though he is a will-o-wisp and I am a lost traveller in the woods...
My instinct is to pull away, to distance myself from the inevitability of more pain, but that would be unfair to Grimaldus, and myself… for would it not be better to have whatever time together the fates allow, than to not even give the potential for love to flourish?

I have tried to broach this subject with Meriwald, for he is the only one I feel I can talk to about this matter, but he just deflects the subject - much like he does whenever I bring up his possible connection with the intoners...

It is questions like these that are keeping me from my meditations at night… I am already haunted by memories, and I fear that any memories I make with Grimaldus might break me in the future. If Ravlor was right about “the pillars of love starting to form”, I don’t know what I will do when those pillars inevitably shatter with death…

Sometimes I wish I could be a bit more like a human, (I’ll never let them know that though), with their unique ability to live life fully in the moment. My people always seem to be looking to the past, or, less often it seems, to the future… but for now… Grimaldus is heading this way. I think I might try to adopt a bit of the human practice of living in the moment…

Continue reading...

Aboard the Jackdaw
25th of Arborus, 1485

On Eastern Shores and Swamplands
6th of Solae, 1485

Journey to Alfarid
7th-9th of Solae, 1485

A Hafla
10th of Solae, 1485

The City of Wei Jang
11th of Solae, 1485

The Axiomyte
12th of Solae, 1485

History and Memories
13th of Solae, 1485

Library
14th of Solae, 1485

Fuck This City…
16th of Solae, 1485

Letter to Grimaldus
18th of Solae, 1485

Our Next Move
18th of Solae, 1485

A Journey Home
18th of Solae, 1485

Sins, Guilt, and Monstrosities
19th of Solae, 1485

At a Loss
20th-21st of Solae, 1485

A Cursed Land Under a Cursed Moon
23rd of Solae, 1485

Eclipse
24th of Solae, 1485

On the Road to Rafulkarn
25th of Solae, 1485

The Beauty of the East
26th of Solae, 1485

Rafulkarn
27th of Solae, 1485

Consequences
28th of Solae, 1485

Kurvajai and Conversations
1st of Camince, 1485

Crumbling Amid Ashes
2nd of Camince, 1485

Ashes on the Wind
3rd of Camince, 1485

Ashes and Memories
4th of Camince, 1485

Sand and Storms
6th of Camince, 1485

Ashes of the Serpent
9th of Camince, 1485

Hasim, the Axiomyte, and Filandrel
10th of Camince, 1485

Letter to Ravlor
11th of Camince, 1485

The Council
11th of Camince, 1485

Fort Mahogany
12th of Camince, 1485

Of Endings and Broken Hearts
16th of Camince, 1485

Return to Alcarin
18th of Camince, 1485

Burial beneath the Boughs
20th of Camince, 1485

As the World Falls Down
21st of Camince, 1485

Picking up the Pieces
22nd of Camince, 1485

Time Will Tell, In the End...
28th of Camince, 1485

Aboard the Jackdaw

Continue reading...

Find your way!

Resources

WHO WE ARE

LEGAL

Get the news

Listen to our Podcast

Our Allies