Picking up the Pieces

22nd of Camince, 1485

Rest eluded me last night. I sat in the window, watching the leaves dance in the moonlight until the wee hours of the morning. Not even laying beside Grimaldus, his arm draped over me, allowed my mind the rest I sought… In the past, whenever my mind would become a maelstrom of conflicting thoughts and feelings, I would either speak to Filandrel or seek out Ravlor. But what am I to do when Filandrel is dead, in more ways than one, and Ravlor is at the center of this confusion? I decided to do what I probably should have done way earlier, and go speak with my father…
 
I slipped into the workshop when dawn’s first light was filtering through the windows. My father was just beginning to start his work when I joined him, taking a seat on the stool next to his workbench. Adar just glanced up from his current project, a desk or table of some kind, and didn’t say anything. I knew he was waiting for me to start. But, I didn’t even know where to begin, so finally, he asked what brought me out here this early.
 
Finally, I started talking. And once I started, I didn’t stop until I had told him the gist of my entire visit with Ravlor last night. I didn’t go into much detail about what I told Ravlor, instead focusing on what is eating at me… “Doodles said something that’s really bothering me…”
Adar looked up from his carving, an eyebrow raised as he waited for me to continue. “Doodles told me that Ravlor loves me, a lot.”
Adar didn’t seem surprised by this. “And this bothers you?” He asked.
 
“Yes!” I exclaimed. “He never said anything… he told me to go off with Grimaldus… why would he have said that if he didn’t want me to?” I looked at my father helplessly, wiling him to offer me some kind of explanation that would make everything make sense. But, he gave me no such response, he simply stood there, setting down his chisels and waiting patiently for me to continue. “If it’s true, then why didn’t he ever say anything? Hell, he’s never even presented it as a possibility…” my voice trailed off.
 
“Why do you think I play that stupid game with him?” I shrugged. “I owe him, he owes me… if I’m being perfectly honest, I just viewed it as a way to feel like he’d always be around…” I let out a wry laugh. “It’s stupid, really, but I can’t bear the thought of losing another friend…”
 
“Losing another friend, or losing Ravlor?” Adar interrupted gently.
 
“Both? Ravlor?” I admitted miserably. “Why do you think I searched the entire continent to find him when he was taken? And when we were in Crastvongrad, I was willing to do anything Vlatrossi Melkinov demanded, anything, he could have asked of me, in order to get him to restore Ravlor’s eyes and body…”
 
He stood there for a minute, his emerald eyes assessing. I shifted uncomfortably on the stool, straightening Filandrel’s robes that I hadn’t yet had the heart to remove. A part of me felt like a child again, sitting in my father’s workshop, waiting for him to impart some knowledge to me, some advice that may or may not make sense at the time, but usually ended up being right in the end.
 
“So what do you want, then?” He asked finally.
“I don’t know…” I admitted. “I do love Grimaldus, but…”
“But, you’re curious about what could be?” He prompted gently.
I nodded.. “Yes, and I fear what will be… am I just setting myself up for failure?”
“I do love him.” I insisted again, not wanting to give Adar the wrong impression of the situation. “And, when he asked me, it seemed like such a great idea, but… I was… ah… drinking with the Charbelly dwarves at the time… it was right after Filandrel… and…”
“It was in the heat of the moment?” Adar prompted quietly.
“Maybe?” I could feel my face flush with embarrassment. “I do love him.” I repeated. “And he’s saved my life a number of times, and I’ve risked mine to save his…” I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, Ada… I am just a fool, I think… I didn’t see the reality of Filandrel, and now I’m letting the daydreams of a student who fell for the ranger who took pity on her and befriended her, mess with my perception of reality…”
 
He walked over and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You need to give yourself time. Stay a while, and don’t force yourself to make a decision that you aren’t ready for…”
 
I looked around the familiar workshop, so I didn’t have to meet his gaze. Everything here is much the same as it was when I was a child, sitting, perched on this same stool, watching my father work. “Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if Filandrel had never taken me to Egig Ero Fa…” I admitted quietly. “You always wanted an apprentice, after all…”
 
I caught genuine hurt in Adar’s eyes. “I’m sorry.” I muttered, knowing that both my parents had always wanted what was best for me, and no matter how I miserable and confused I may feel at the moment, their decision to send me to Egig Ero Fa was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I grew so much there, learned far more and expanded my horizons so far beyond anything that my father’s little workshop would have been able to offer me. It just didn’t change the heavy weight of responsibility I felt settling on my shoulders… and sometimes, sometimes I wished for the carefree simplicity of my youth. But alas, that is not the world that we live in, and it is my responsibility to my people to ensure that other children have the chance for such a childhood…
 
“Why would he do that?” I asked after a time, my anger rising the more I thought about yesterday. At my father’s questioning eyebrow, I continued indignantly. “He doesn’t get to tell me to leave and then be mad at me when I do!” I didn’t need to explain who “he” was.
“We were just talking like we always do, and I mentioned that Grimaldus asked me to marry him. Then, he just said “congratulations” with a fake smile and walked away.” I dashed my eyes with the back of my hand. “He wouldn’t even talk to me… he asked Doodles to walk me out.”
 
“Can you blame him?” Adar laughed.
 
“Yes! I do.” At my father’s amused look, I explained. “The only time Ravlor ever hasn’t talked to me was when he was taken…”
 
“If he is truly your friend, he will reach out. Give him time…” he urged gently.
 
“I know it’s not fair,” I admitted sullenly. “But still, he shouldn’t have walked away like that…”
 
“No, but I think we all do things we shouldn’t. Give him time…” Adar smiled solemnly. “You are young, and you’ve already experienced so much hardship. Do something you enjoy and bond with the ones you love in a way that doesn’t involve danger for once…”
 
“Ok.” I nodded. He was right. “I don’t want to go to the library… I can’t right now…” Too many memories. I glanced at the current piece of furniture he was carving. “Do you want some help?”
 
“You haven’t asked that since you were a child, and then your mother nearly lost her mind when you hammered your thumb.” But I could tell by the light in his eyes that he was pleased by my request.
 
I forced a slight smile. “I’m not a child anymore… and if you don’t mind Grimaldus being here too, he can heal my thumbs before Amillë ever finds out. Maybe you could even teach him something?” I asked hopefully. “Maybe he could learn to build something instead of just fighting. His whole life has been nothing but danger and hardship…” I was unabashedly appealing to my father’s sentimentality and protective streak.
“You say that I’ve experienced so much hardship,” I continued. “But at least my home has always been safe… Grimaldus has never really had one… and I’m pretty sure he’s never even met his parents…”
 
“Bring him.” Adar let out a heavy sigh. “I might as well get to know this man…”
 
So I did. I found Grimaldus eating breakfast, and once he was finished, I brought him out to the workshop. Grimaldus didn’t complain, and was respectful as he learned something of Elvish carpentry… He either genuinely enjoyed it, or did a good job of hiding his boredom. Either way, I wasn’t complaining – and his healing skills may have come in handy once or twice…