Lament for Childhood

I often find my mind wondering to my childhood during my trances. I recall walking the riverbank with my siblings playing tag or hide-and-seek. They would always whine because I could win those two games easily, but then we would wrestle and I would always loose that, the only times I was found was when Evgenii got the dogs of the region to help her, and that lead to me quickly learning how to cover up my scent. One particularly fun wrestling match between me and my dear older sister Ivan resulted with me having a broken arm, Freya would never let either of us ever hear the end of it, while my father Oskana, just quietly went to work and mended my arm. I recall the only time my father was ever quiet was when he was helping other people, beyond that he was loud and joyous. I had always been able to detect an underlying sadness in my mother and father, one my siblings seemed to never pick up on, I suppose it has to do with my Psionic talents, or because me and them have known similar early childhoods. Oskana and Freya have always used their strength to help others, and I wanted nothing more in the world to be like them. Most of my siblings wanted to be as great carpenters as my father or wished to break their own paths through the thick foliage of life. Me and my sister Evgenii were the only two interested in subjects of justice outside of our little community. She wanted to bring justice to nature, so that every child could play along clean riverbanks with thier siblings or get a sense of awe and appreciation for life as they watch birds fly out of the nest for the first time. I went off to join a war I had no business being in.
 
I've lost that wonder and love for life sometime during the war, I can't even say exactly when it happened, it was likely a long process. All I gained from that period of my life is a heavy soul and a body so battle-worn it repulses me to look at. My father used to tell me what happens to your soul when you die, late at night after my siblings have gone to bed, he'd only tell me this because he knew I was worried about my soul going to the Spider Queen. He told me that regardless of what god you worship before you go to their paradise you are placed at the bottom of a vast mountain, and to reach your final resting place you must carry the weight of the souls of every person you wronged in your mortal life, but that you would have the help of every person you've done right in your mortal life. I know that if I were to die today, or three centuries from now, my strength and willpower would be no match for the ocean of souls I've tormented in those 3 short years, even with the strongest man I know, my father, helping me along the way.
 
I often find myself in a precarious situations now, I never feel like I'm doing enough for the people around me. I feel as if I'm in a room full of hourglasses, constantly flipping each and every one, because if even one empties to the bottom my life and soul will be damned.
 
Kavaki save my soul. And Freya please don't forsake me.