Seeking Solace

I've found myself in a difficult position it appears. I knew my kind were tumultuous and ever-changing at my age but I didn't fully understand that I would recognize my entire worldview changing within a matter of days, often incited by only a single-incident. I find myself trying to be as great as my father, and more worryingly, find myself falling short. I'm constantly striving to find redemption for my irredeemable actions and acting uncharacteristically. I wish I could always maintain my cold and calculating mindset but I've grown just as emotionally attached to the people of Hollow Oak as the people of my home, causing my actions to oftentimes be driven by emotion and righteousness rather than reason and consideration, but I suppose in that sense I am very much turning into my father.
 
I've also found myself with strange feelings towards an unexpected recipient. A very intelligent Goblin, I dare not write their name out of concern that this journal is one day found by a diviner, but this Goblin has made me feel some... new sensations. I don't know what the emotion is but I often find my thoughts wandering to them and feelings of anxiety building up in my stomach as I talk to them. I think the word for it would be flustered, but my training and abilities should make me immune or at least able to suppress such emotions, I am sorely disappointed in myself for such failures.
 
What doesn't help is that I suspect the Goblin and Lord Vaygrade Hallheart are plotting something against me. I for some reason find myself afraid to investigate the matters further but I suppose for my own safety and the cause of Hollow Oakian people I should determine if this plot is benigh or outwardly hostile.