Personal Log: Stardate 18956.6

Found myself in a bit of a pickle these past couple of days.
 
First I get stuck on a planet with Ensign Wolf, Ensign Von, Captain, and Crewmen Hansel. Then few days later, I invited Ensign Wolf to bake a cake with me, which somehow ended up into a baking session with me, Ensign Wolf, and captain, which somehow ended up into a drunken party with a bunch of other people. Right after that, crewmen Tora finally woke up, so me and Nurse did a bunch of medical work while trying to straighten up Doctor... It was a mess.
 
I'm gonna replicate the serum we got in the planet, but it seems I can't use it for anything useful because of the physical toll it would take on a living being. I'm disappointed. I didn't like controlling an element, but it's a serum that allows you to control the environment with just your mind! I thought that maybe I can make a serum where I can cure cut wounds of more than one person at once using similar mechanisms, kind of like "heal all" skill in rpg games and such! But it seems that's going to be impossible. It would have been fun to be able to cure a room full of people with one swish. Though, I guess we don't even know if such a serum was possible in the first place, but I wish I could have dreamt about it just a bit longer...
 
I'm exhausted, honestly. I didn't even want to go to the party but Ensign Wolf got extremely upset at me. That being said, I found a way to attend without feeling awkward: taking pictures of everyone. I ended up storing the picture in a photo album under captain's bed. I wonder what he'll think when he finds it, especially when there's a bunch of pictures of him being really tipsy.
 
I think I like photography though. The feeling of recording and knowing about everyone else around me while they forget that I exist... I think I'll keep doing it when there are too many people around.
 
Also, screw doctor. Nurse might want to be friends with him, which is good because apparently he likes people whose mother wasn't a drug addict. Let him be court marshaled for making bioweapons, see if I care. ...Except I would because I did help him on that. It was kind of upsetting because I felt safe when I was around him, since he was probably the only person on the electra who talked to me like a normal human. It's just, I'm sure it was a joke, and I understand I was pestering him a bit too much about drinking, but... Hm, it seems I was more bothered about it than I initially thought.... I honestly can't believe how much I've changed since I've been here, and I can't even tell if it's good or not.
 
I never looked back on my past before. And yet, recently, I've been thinking a lot about Willard and caretaker. I even told Crewmen Hansel about how I almost died while falling off the stairs. I never talked about that with anyone. And I didn't think I cared too much about what caretaker was up to when she was in starfleet, but lately it's all I think about when I'm in my bed.
 
I wonder what Willard is doing now? Did he finally forget about me? I sincerely hope he did. He must have, right? After all, I'm not there to excite him anymore. He probably has a lot of people to interact with on his own ship. He probably made a lot of friends... Maybe it's harder for him to make enemies, but I'm sure he must have at least one. Yeah, he must have forgotten about me.
 
And caretaker... What kind of a crew member was she? She may have been a little off around me, but every time she needed to be, she was perfect. Perfect smile, perfect words... Complete and perfect but all she said were a bunch of lies. I wonder if she was like that when she was in starfleet too?
 
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I should just focus on my research.... Oh... I'm going to have to work with Ensign Kepler or whatever on that serum huh...? I really, really don't want to work with people I've never even spoken to... I wonder what we're doing with crewmen Tora's rehab... Is nurse going to take care of it...?
 
There's... a part of me that somehow enjoys all of this. The chaos, the people... But I'm not sure if I'm ready to accept it. The moment I do, I may find myself with the temptation to cause trouble just because I've gotten used to the taste of excitement. Last time that happened, Willard happened... And I know I don't need more of that in my life. But leave it up to me to not have any empathy even to the future version of myself.
 
One thing I should do is avoid Captain. He's the captain so of course chaos follows him. I wanted to avoid him with the party and everything, but he's just too entertaining to watch, I couldn't help myself. Though, considering how upset he got at me at my attempts to put him and Ensign Wolf together, I doubt I'm a good influence on him anyway. Would be nice if he avoided me instead, but that's not possible I think.
 
I also need to set up tea for doctor and nurse. I was worried because I didn't see them interact with each other... and because of doctor's lack of social skill. Turns out, I was worried for nothing. I just need to let them spend time together. Perhaps it's a bad idea to try and purposefully get them closer, considering what happened with captain and ensign Wolf, but I don't even need them to date, I just need them to talk to each other.
 
Yes, this is comforting. Everyone else moving around me.
 
Though, I will have to look up caretaker soon or else I feel like my heart is going to implode... As much as I want to ask someone to look at it with me, it would be for the best if I did it myself.
 
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If you're net neutral, then you'll become one with the universe, huh...?
 
Caretaker, how am I doing? Am I going to be poison? Medicine? Or nothing to this universe?