I've ARRIVED (she has indeed)

Dear Diary,
So I finally left home, and oh. my. god. There are so many WEIRD people in the world. Well, and less weird ones. I met some new people, and two of them are totally fuckable. There's this giant of a woman named Eelora Moonshine (already halfway to having my attention, though I am definitely more of a wine or whiskey person) who has hand that are so strong they could break bone, or at least leave some absolutely gorgeous bruises (yes please). She has the cutest accent and I'd give her a solid 8.5 in the looks department. She'd be so cute laying naked on a bed of leaves and she's probably the type to make ADORABLE noises when she ****** **** **** and couldn't **** ** *** ******. (Okay....keep it in your pants, Eileen) Then there's this woman named Ruby Shadowsomething. She's the stature of a noble and the temperment of someone that'd I'd like to **** ** **** *** **** ** ** ***** **** before she **** ** ******** *** **** ** ***** *** ***** (not that I'd ever would because I love it so) but if I'm lucky she might stick around long enough to **** ** **** *** ********* and **** my ****** until I couldn't walk straight, then (Kat is going to stop here. You get the jiist and she gets very...enthusiastic in her descriptions.)
 
(Let's just skip to the next...no not that one....or that one....both? Wow. Okay....there we go)
 
Anyway, other than that there's a man named Igor who is frankly, ew. But his work is impeccable, from what I've seen, though we do disagree on which stitch is the best stitch. Though it's totally a different material so I kinda get it. Doesn't mean he looks less of the quilt of people. A really gross and funny old quilt that you really don't want anywhere near your bed or wall displays. Again, though, impeccable work. I wonder if I could interest him in trying embroidery.... Then there's this very unintelligent elf (he's a forest elf, so I suppose I shouldn't have expected much) who seems way too into horses, he's kinda cute? In like....a not...sexy way? I'd give him maybe a 7, if I was being generous or were about 3 glasses in.
 
Oh. My. GODS. SERIOUSLY? Who knew adventuring was so HARD?! We went to go find some stupid horse and wound up getting attacked by plants! And while the vines held some promise it just knocked me out in almost six seconds flat! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY THE BRUISE. So. Lame. But whatever, Igor was kind enough to help me get back up (it's amazing, his stitch work is so good I can't even SEE it. And I'm pretty certain he said he did boobs. Maybe I could...ugh. Probably don't have enough money for that. Dammit mom and dad! Give me back my allowance! And even worse, the horse was already dead! How dumb of a quest! It was a pretty awful thing to do to such a creature (and the horse) so we went to go find what killed the pony, which looked like the IGOR of ANIMALS. All the wrong bits in all the wrong places. Then we went down a giant hole (don't worry, I took off my shoes when I found out there was bat shit everywhere), and fought some awful bats. Stuptid things apparently took notes from the plants, because one of the big ones also decided that I was too pretty to live, and I got knocked out in about 18 seconds AGAIN. Thankfully Igor was there to keep me in my beautiful, completely flawless form in tact. As well as Eelara. I MUST figure out what type of liquor she keeps in those pristine breasts, because it is DELISH. We did find a magical dohicky which seemed to be magical hair removal, though it's too bad that it was Eelora was the one to touch it. She had such fine fur. Poor thing went completely bald, knocking her down to a 5 with all those extra folds. Not my scene. Igor (blessed be his hideously crooked soul) was nice enough to offer to make her hair plugs, but we had to go off and try and kill some wolf to do it. We did end up collapsing the tunnel thing the artifact was in (which I am cataloguing where). So we killed the wolf almost no problem, and it would have been totally fine if that stupid beast of a dog didn't have friends. I had to use some of my perfectly wonderful perfume to try and throw the dogs off our scent! Anyway, with the job done and buttercup the horse VERY dead, we got paid, and Leroy's (the elvish simpleton who by absolutely no fault of my own is now convinced that books are evil trees) employer was kind enough to gift us all horses (which is NOT economically sensible, but whatever). She gifted to me my Duchess (the horse). She's kind of a bitch, but I ADORE her. And once she bit me (of all the things to be bitten by. Ah well) she calmed down a bit. She really likes being brushed, which I totally appreciate.