Accuspeak

Hegemony International's latest corporate prospectus is an artfully-crafted 50,000-word magnum opus - that ultimately doesn't say a goddamn thing.
Suzon Chauff, Wall Street analyst

Double-Talk

A

ccuspeak is a specialized patois that's evolved within  Hegemony International. It's not so much a language as it is a vast collection of corporately-accepted terms which hold favor in all internal communications. Amongst Hegemony's management, accuspeak is not an optional vernacular. Those who fail to pepper their speech with the appropriate accuspeak equivalents are frowned upon. Corporate documents are fastidiously checked to ensure accuspeak compliance. Starting with the company's founder, Reginald Howell, and filtering down through all management levels, accuspeak isn't simply considered to be a lexical choice. Rather, it is stridently enforced as the "right" way to speak.

Vocabulary

T

he following is a representative example of accuspeak's chosen lexicon. This list is by no means exaustive, with new accuspeak terms being coined constantly by Reginald Howell and the company's legion of executive managers.

Adjustor: An off-the-books employee tasked with undertaking unsavory and corporately-disavowed tasks.

Bizkit: Hegemony does not speek in terms of "money" or "dollars" or "profit". They speak in terms of bizkits.

Bizkit Factory: Any market vertical that is particularly profitable.

Canadian: Although this term can refer generically to any Canadian citizen, it's commonly used within Hegemony as a slur.

Consolidation: Any corporate initiative designed to utterly wipe out a competitor.

Culling: Hegemony employees are not "fired" or "terminated". They are culled.

Enlightenment: The process of leading those outside the company to accept and agree with Hegemony's objectives.

Gepetto: An employee tasked with coordinating off-the-books payments (i.e., "grease") to local officials.

Gnome: A member of Hegemony's accounting staff.

Grease: An off-the-books fee paid to local authorities to to eliminate resistance to corporate objectives.

Grunt: A contract employee.

Hangman: Someone tasked with the removal of employees who've been culled.

Heathen: A demeaning term often used in Hegemony's corporate headquarters in Kingston, Jamaica, to refer to a native Jamaican.

HER: A member of Hegemony's Human Enterprise Resources staff.

Herald: A member of Hegemony's marketing staff.

Hobbling: The process of demoting an employee.

M&M: One of Hegemony's middle managers.

Market Synthesis: A state achieved when any market vertical has been thoroughly monopolized by Hegemony International.

Meat Puppet: Any Hegemony employee who is neither a clone (an M&M) nor an android (a HER). Can also be used to refer to people, in general.

Mesmerfile: Any corporate document designed to satisfy outside auditors with vast amounts of vague and useless information.

Mole: One of Hegemony Lab's corporate scientists.

Plebe: An intern.

Reprogramming: The process of adjusting suboptimal attitudes of Hegemony employees.

Road Block: Any politician or public figure who opposes Hegemony's objectives.

Sheeple: Any customer of Hegemony International, although the term is also used to refer to all potential customers, or even the general non-Hegemony population.

Spinster: A member of Hegemony's public relations staff.

Tribunal: An ad hoc performance review.

Troll: A member of Hegemony's information technology staff.

Pronunciation

ACK-you-speek