A Last Goodbye

While on the road back to Phandalin after visiting the Ravenwood family homestead. (Session 10)
 
Well… it’s true. She’s really gone. I knew in my head that it was true, but being home… seeing her… she’s actually gone. It’s real. Every time I close my eyes I see her… what was left… and I don’t… I can’t… it just… hurts… so so much…
 
But I can’t let that be how I remember her; I won’t let it. I’m trying to focus on what she would have wanted, how much she loved me and wanted me to be good, but… I’m so angry. Why would some stupid god send his stupid pig to hurt Mom? She never did anything to hurt anyone in her entire life, for some god to decide to do this- why? Just because he’s an asshole? It’s not fair. I want to hurt him. Kill his pig, show him how it feels. But… Mom never liked it when I got into fights. She really believed in me, that I could be good. I have to try and live up to her example, make her proud. Go after the pig to get justice and protect the people of Phandalin, not for my own anger and revenge. That’s just… an easier thing to say than it is to actually do.
 
I’m still not exactly sure what happened last night. Was that a dream? A vision? A ghost? Ghosts are one of those things that I know exist in theory, but never expected to actually happen to me. Though, I guess I would have said the same thing once about dragons and gods. I’m going to choose to believe that it was real, one way or another. I’m… glad that I got to show her that I finally did it, at least once. I finally learned magic. And seeing her, talking to her one last time… It really made it obvious how stupid I’ve been. She didn’t blame me and she would never have been disappointed in me. Not for that. She wasn’t proud of me when I left because she thought I was going to become some archmage, it was because I was going. Trying. That’s what was important. I wasted so much time being afraid, time that I could have spent with her before she was gone. I’m… going to regret that for the rest of my life.
 
It’s funny, I spent so long being terrified that going home and seeing it would make it real. Mean that I’m completely, utterly alone. And it does hurt; there’s this hole inside me where she used to be that I don’t think I will ever be able to fill, and it hurts. But… honestly? I feel less alone now than I have in years. After we finished, Raiya said that she helped me because “that’s what friends do”. I’ve never really had that before. Friends. But… I think it fits. Raiya, Flicker, Wolf… they’re my friends. And while no one will ever mean as much to me as Mom, nothing will ever fill up that hole… at least I’m not alone anymore.