A Chaotic Mind

Finally, we have reached a moment of rest, but the weight still rests on my shoulders like it did in the depths of the dungeon. I have learned so deeply these last few days that the life of a paladin is a very lonely one, as the others that surround me have very little understanding of the forces and ideals that drive me to do the hard things. It is a conviction so deeply embedded in my heart that I offer to stand in front of fearsome foes and take the hard road to keep these people who attempt to call themselves my friends alive and unscathed, but they still do not understand the pain that their lack of understanding causes. A Ylyndar does not back down from the challenges presented before them, but the chaos in my mind, so easily directed towards those around me is beginning to tear me down.
 
The words etched into the stone floor of the dungeon that brought me so much dread could only be opened through my word, through the divine magic of a paladin. That command gifted us a small flute, one that I know will aid us in future travels, especially if we travel to the den of the hydra, but it will be given to someone else by my hand when the time comes. Until then, I hold on to the treasure, protecting it from the ideals of the others in the party that find little value in material things that do not further their lot in life. I know that when I step away from traveling with the main group in the next few days, the item will find itself tucked safely in the bags of Khalsinn, one of the few that I fully trust in the group.
 
We left the dungeon, Zandar calling his men to arms with the aid of our magic. With that, the Night Guard turned on the cultists, allowing us to make our way through the castle and to our eventual destination. We scattered throughout the battle in the great hall, each taking their perceived best way through the chaos. For a moment, I felt elated at the prospect of battle, of battle done in the way that I had spent so many years learning. With a brief spell spoken over Yldris and my bow held tightly, I found myself reaching down from the back of the white wolf for the hand of the dragonborn, swiftly bounding over the battle and making our mark on the changing of the tide when he took my hand with excitement.
 
The second floor posed a much more interesting strategic problem, but for our group, it was of no consequence. With the authority that I felt lacking for so long, I sent Craea, Zalkin, and Narinn to the teleportation circle that would lead them to a position of ambush on the higher floors while Zandar, Cross, and myself made the forward assault. It was electrifying to finally have a plan heard and followed, especially in the heat of battle. I knew that I would not be able to compare to the master of guards, but my lance was at his service and we would follow through.
 
As I touched on my divine magic to lead me through, I sent a prayer to the great tree, whether heard or unheard, I will not know. It brought solace as the battle continued, even if my lance was not nearly as deadly as the axes of the dragonborn. We made our way to the final floor, our destination in sight. That was when we saw the true might of the vampire wizard. While I could never hope for such power or the ability to use time stop, I hoped for the ability to command such authority and such ability.
 
I had quipped once before to the cultist cleric that the lord of this town needed a much better healer, a paladin perhaps, and that has come to pass. My abilities at least saved the lord in the moment, and that is all the reward I wish to have. Zandar graced us with weapons far beyond what we deserved, but I was grateful nonetheless. The others search for a greater reward from the lord and his city, but I cannot partake in that. We did our duty and that should be enough.
 
I find myself withdrawing from this group as time goes on. They push the boundaries of my morality and then question why I seem so harsh. I cannot in good conscience continue on with them until I have found more confidence in myself and my beliefs if I am to be questioned at every turn. Some should heed my words, for if they do not listen, the divine magic of the paladin will no longer be available to them. Paladins help those that are in need, but even my father did not survive the Eldritch War without being selfish with our abilities. Maybe it is time to fall more to the ideals of my father and brother than those of my mother. Only the gods will know.