Happily Ever After....? Not in my afterlife!

Thinking back hard enough I've never felt anything "real" towards anyone. But then again, can I really feel anything anymore? The closest I've ever been to someone is being blood bound to them. One of them I didn't know was happening which I stopped when I found out which is Carlisle. I still need to find him and repay him for what he did to me...And the other is by accident which was some random guy.... I didn't even do that one on purpose, it just stupidly happened which Carlisle showed me how to break thankfully. I was foolish....
Currently I'm bound to Maximillion which isn't bad but I haven't broken it yet. I think I'm holding on to a fake emotional connection it gives me. I love the thought of love, the thought of my happily ever after I never got. Yeah maybe that's it. I just want something to hold on to for once. I am getting to know him but he found something out by accident, kind of... stupid things happen when you let your guard down. But at least he's a gentleman, a stupid one but a good man none the less.
I know one thing for sure, I need to break this bond soon I just don't have the time but I think I'll do it after I get the hang of blood sorcery.
I'd rather be staked again before feeling anything like love towards anyone other than Adrian.
He is the closest I'll ever be to someone again. I miss my old life, I miss the sunlight and warmth seeping into my skin. I'm almost jealous he gets to enjoy things I can't. I'm actually happy for him, he can have all the things I can't. He can have a family unlike me...! He can go out and have fun, enjoy things like a normal person. Like drinking a nice glass of iced tea on the porch on a swing in the sunlight. Oh how I miss that. Even having friends to be with and share things with. Meanwhile I'm surrounded by men... and not in a good way... not bad but not good. At least they mean well... still I hate them for all having great ties with their sires. It's almost as if they need to be around them.... pathetic, I hope to never be like that again.... its all stupid Royce and Carlisle 's faults I'm like this.