Fear, and Hesitation, my nemesis made clear

Ryancy, i Report to you with bad news, we have stopped the fall of Paybur and saved the remaining citizens. Though we lost one of the great warriors of the last war, Lochland, and the filth that killed him escaped. They are powerful but cowards and will fall to my might, and my party's, we must hunt them down and kill them, for vengeance and to stop there evil. We go back to Faribyr to get more supplies then we head east to save the men taken to make there army, and to report on payburs survival. I hope the sea has been kind to you, and your journey successful, and i hope to see you soon.
 
The female evil casted some sort of magic upon me, making me feel weak, i will pray to the platinum lord for protection the next time we battle. But is there a defense against this black magic? i ask this since you are wise and have seen much, that power made me fall before i cannot allow it to again. The path the platinum lord has put before me is a righteous one, i will wield fear as my weapon, and destroy whoever opposes us to the east, with my friends at my side i feel nothing is impossible, they have proven to be mighty and courageous like the dragons Nandu and Primo, i am honored they have chosen to trust and stay by my side.
 
Personal Journal:
 
The fear i hold is odd, i feel hesitation when i see my friends before me, they dont deserve to die, and i will not allow it. They are each soldiers, willing to sacrifice there life for the many, and back down from no challenge, but if i think about there death i feel no joy, or respect just a hole in my gut, as if i havent eaten for days, and i feel sick. I dont know what this is and i dont know who to talk to about this, i could be seen as a coward for having this feeling. And i feel sad, when we go east i must leave Sila alone in Faribyr, she has duty's there and i cannot ask her to come with me, that would be selfish. Alone with that dwarf, in the forge, all day long, maybe hell be angry with sila and shell kick him out i hope so. I will ask if she will wait for my return and maybe we can eat again, ill ask rowin what nobles wear so i can dress better than last time.
 
I worry for slinger, he is seeing true evil and what its capable of, he is a deadly warrior, but acts like a child. And i cannot let him go on hes own, for he wants to see that evil dragon about he's god, and im sure hell end up dead or worse. Maybe as he see's the platinum lord's might he may turn from that path and follow a noble and just god.