I cannot sleep so I will write I guess

Every night in my dreams I feel my hand stretching out toward my true purpose- not my good hand, even, but my fake one, my new one. The one with His magic, His power flowing through it. In my dreams, I reach my fingers out toward that swirl of darkness and cold and tentacles and I barely touch it before I wake up. I see a face there in the swirl but I do not like to think of who it is. I wake up after very few hours and I lay in camp, or I sit up and look around.
 
I am here because He wants me to be here and I do not say no, no matter my confusion, or rage. I do not often feel rage but I came to the brink of it at Red Castle, and I can taste it in my mouth now as I lay here. It will not let me sleep but fuck, neither will He. He rattles my brain with his visions, his churning nightmares and images of something beyond this mortal plane. He forces my mind deep into the void and when I plead, please, what is the point? What is the purpose? He just does not fucking answer. Why, oh Great One? Why shuffle me to and fro on this path of hardship and uncertainty? Why lead me from my family to greater conquest, only to muffle the translation of that conquest as time marches on?
 
Why stick me with these PEOPLE?
 
I mean, seriously. Like FUCK. Where did half of these people learn their problem-solving skills? Did they at all? I know that I have a need for violence, and aggression, and intimidation, and such, but I know my target at all times. It is never the person standing at my side in combat, and especially not the one who has stood beside me, battle after battle, giving me aid. Bell's dramatics have become tedious, I admit, but for Hail to pounce on her with the intention of harming her? Ridiculous. Nearly unforgivable. Fucking... stupid!! I taste ink and metal in my mouth I am so annoyed!! Perturbed!! CONFUSED!!! WHY CTHULHU CANNOT YOU LET ME HAVE A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP!!
 
Instead I am up thinking about these ridiculous earthly ones and their quarrels. I do not think I behaved like that even as a child. I was not a child for long but I remember. I remember yearning for the understanding of my peers and finding none. Earthly beings squander their mortal lives, their inherent compatibility to one another. They waste their potential. They attach obligation to their families, to their own kind. I am peerless in this world and yet Cthulhu draws me to others, perhaps to find purpose within them and their going-ons. I am not sure what the purpose is with this group. I am glad I got these boots though, because sneaking has proved to not be any easier, no matter how much better my leg feels. Old Bay seems to enjoy the little sneaking tune I hummed, though. I am not sure where I heard it but it seemed like it fit the mood.
 
I do not dislike all of them. I enjoy Glow's company, and her attitude. Ramaia seems to like me and hate me at the same time and I am not bothered by it. Damiel... well I am still not pleased with his sass, or arrogance. I had never encountered an elf before him but I think I would be better off not meeting any more. I have seen in his face before, comprehension, or almost something like empathy- not for me but for himself- when I talk about loss. I am sure he knows it. There must be something within that blunt shell of his, but I will let Ramaia uncover that if she wants to so badly.
 
I am grateful to these people. I cannot say otherwise, simply because whatever they are doing is helping me achieve my greater purpose, according to Him. They helped me knock the fuck out of that bastard chuul and bring back my Father's temple to its righteous glory, so, I guess when I am mad at them I should remember that. Granted, if they had tried to stop me I would have... well. It is fine. They helped, and Cthulhu is pleased. I await my next clear sense of direction ever so patiently, no matter how many nightmares He brings to me.
 
I could go back to sleep now and become engrossed in His visions once again. I do not want to. I know when I close my eyes I will see his face between my fingers, just beyond my outstretched hand. He gets closer all the time, or maybe it is I that moves towards him, inch by inch.
 
Old Bay is asleep on my chest. Can familiars... do that? I hope he does not get nightmares.